Bed time for 11 year old

What is a good bed time for a child with adhd who only attends school at 1 40 pm-2 40 pm my idea was about 9 or 930 pm because he is not getting up to be in school at 8 am . Also I figured it's close to a normal bed time if he was in school full time but I'm getting issues from the mom about that time as a idea?

[BLC89]

Hello Fatherrk,

What I have learned about sleep is that the most important thing is to be consistent. Choose a bedtime and wake time and stick with it even on the weekends. Having kids sleep in really messes with their internal clocks and reduces their quality of sleep.

If mom thinks it should be earlier than 9 or 9:30 maybe a compromise of your son physically being in bed earlier 8:30 ish, winding down, slowing down his body and mind and then lights out at 9 or 9:30.

Bedtime routine are also really important, like lowering the lights, no screens 2 hours before bed, etc. This is important for anyone who wants to sleep well. If it is a family routine that can make it much easier to stick to.

It sounds like you are lucky and can have some flexibility since he doesn't have to get up early. See what his little body tells you too. He may get more wired the more tired he gets so an early bedtime would be good.

My study of sleep started 21 years ago when my darling angel of a son didn't sleep more than two hours at a time for the first 9 months of his existence. I was wrecked and went on a mission to learn everything I could about sleep and how to get the best rest possible. I was alway super strict about bedtime, routines and never ever waking a sleeping baby! It is a luxury to not have to get up early for school.

I hope that helps.

BLC89

I am an ADHD Parent coach and raised two kids with ADHD and have been married to ADHD for nearly 30 years

[tklo in reply to BLC89]

I have tried all the tricks for good sleep hygiene but 11 year old does not fall asleep without hours of reading, calm story and me lying with her. Could out be a need for a different med? Anxiety? She takes concerta in the morning and we have used malatonin but doesn’t work. Thoughts?

[BLC89 in reply to tklo]

jgjf

My son was the same way, it took him a long time to wind down and shut off his brain. It could be the meds, I know my adult kids won't take their meds after a certain time in the morning because they know they won't be able to sleep later. There are a few non-med things you could try if you think it is anxiety before adding more medication to the mix.

A thought that springs to mind is having her start to journal each evening. It is a great habit to get into and can really help the ADHD brain "get it out" Even if she doesn't have great hand writing and her hand can't keep up with her mind it has been proven to really reduce anxiety. And if she needs to learn to slow her thoughts so she can write them down that is a bonus. 

You can get a cool notebook and special pen to make it a big deal, typing has been shown to have a much lesser impact, it takes the muscle movement to really get the full benefit. I told my kids that "if you can master this (journaling, expressing feelings, etc) you are ahead of most grown-ups I know" and that sparked their competitive nature and engaged their creative brains to really see if they could master whatever it was.

Along those lines, meditation has been shown to have a huge impact with outward symptoms of ADHD and to improve focus. You can't lose when you meditate. When your attention wonders and you bring it back it is like flexing your focus muscle and it gets stronger, yay! If you focus longer and don't get distracted yay again. There are movement meditations too, you don't have to sit still, most ADHD kids can't anyway. Things like counting your steps out to the mail box or while walking the dog, count to 25 or 50 then start over. Tai chi is fabulous too because of the slow movements and the need to stay in the moment in order to move that slowly.

Melatonin is not recommend by the scientist because even the lowest dose available is WAY more than out bodies produce and it gets us out of whack to produce it ourselves.

So many thoughts are coming to mind, I hope this isn't too much. Exercise, high cardio on a very regular basis is good for the body and sleep. It takes a bit of time, couple of weeks, to really see the sleep impacts but the reduced outward symptoms of ADHD are seen very quickly.

Getting morning light in your eyes before 10:00a.m. for at least 20 minutes tells your brain it is time to wake up, get moving, start the day. You need to be outside and not wear sun glasses for the best results (obviously don't stare directly at the sun just be out in it Then in the evening do the same thing again, get the setting sun light in your eyes and it signals the brain to shut down and start producing melatonin. Again this can take a week or so before you see sleep results but it is a great habit to get into.

Sleepy Time Tea with the bear on the box could be a great ritual to add to your evening routine. You sit quietly, journaling maybe , enjoying your cup of tea, debrief on your day, etc. My kids believed in the power of the tea for many years and still do actually. It is chamomile tea, you can add milk for sweetness but hold off on sugar.

Keep her room cool for sleeping. Our bodies naturally cool off before sleep and we sleep better in a cool environment.

And you could add brown noise to the mix also. Brown noise has been found to be the best frequency for the ADHD brain as far as background noise. This could be on in the background while reading too, it may calm her mind and if used regularly before sleep her brain will know it is time to wind down. Our brains can be very Pavlovian so repeated behavior is comforting, predictable and garners predictable responses.

OK, I think that is all I have for now. Sleep is so important and I have researched it a LOT. I hope some of this helps. Good luck.

BLC89

[tklo in reply to BLC89]

super great tips some we are doing. Some she may not quite be ready for. I wonder about anxiety with her needing me to lay down until she sleeps. She dances 3 times a week competitively so gets execranda will want to dance every night even though I kno it may rev her up. She also has emotional regulation issues and big fear of rejection but isn’t able to talk yet about these things. Only recently accepted the ADHD diagnosis that’s privress in self awareness. I know we are movían the right direction. What about anti anxiety meds? We trie d to add a estime no. Stimulant but nausea and headaches were too much. She does get up and functions well in the morning. It’s more me exhausted lol. We usually give her morning meds before 8

[BLC89 in reply to tklo]

tklo,

I am not well versed in the anti-anxiety medications. I would turn to trusted resources like CHADD and ADDitudemag.com to research anti-anxiety meds.

I love Dr. Huberman at hubermanlab.com. He takes all the current science and distills it down to the high points. He is a professor and his podcasts are long (2+ hours) and dense with information but hugely informative. I chunk them up while driving or if I am really into it I sit like I am taking a class and listen through.

Here is a one on anxiety: hubermanlab.com/tools-for-m...

He talks about supplements and gives actionable protocols so you walk away with tangible items to use.

You could probably up the dance, honestly. If she is wiggly then doing something most days, like 5 or 6 days, will be beneficial. Maybe if she moves before dinner? And then winds down after that. Then you aren't revving her up before bed.

The other idea is to model what you want her to do like the tea or journaling. Her curiosity will get the better of her and you can explain it then. She may be more ready if she thinks it is her idea to start a new habit. And just talking in the evenings is a good way to "get it out" for her.

If she likes lying with you it could be a tactile thing. My son had to hold my bare arm to fall asleep when he first arrived on the planet. He loved skin on skin. If hers is tactile then a large plush teddy bear or something may be able to take your place.

You are doing great and staying curious. Keep exploring and trying new things, something will stick and you will be glad you kept trying to sort it all out. For my daughter it was like watering pavement until one day, literally felt jarring, she just started using all the tools on her own, without prompting. So hang in there, it will be worth the effort and she will thank you, someday, maybe

BLC89

[WYMom]

Bed time depends on the kids i think. My middle child has to go to bed earlier because she has such a hard time getting up. Also, I go to bed it 10 and want it least an hour of kid free time for myself and my husband. All these things help shape what bedtime looks like for us. I think you should listen to your wife's concerns.