I'm new here ... my 6 year old son was diagnosed with ADHD in mid-August. Dad has ADHD so we had suspected it for about a year and a half based on some of his behaviors, but found no support and was provided with no resources by either his school or primary care physician even after voicing our concerns multiple times. His primary care did give us a paper with a psychologist's office we could go to but that wasn't really helpful. We had to wait 6 months for the appointment and he just asked my son questions and my son wouldn't reply to him. He'd just keep asking and my son would just keep not responding. He didn't really give us much insight or indicate if he thought ADHD was a possibility. Finally after talking to a coworker who had a slightly older child, he gave us a community program to contact to get more information. That led us to an appointment for an evaluation with a psychiatrist who finally provided the ADHD diagnosis. After two years of struggles - terrible reports from daycare, unsympathetic teachers and directors, glances from other parents that seem to say 'wow, she must be a bad parent to be raising a kid who acts like that' we finally had an answer. I felt so relieved at the time but quickly realized this was just the beginning our our ADHD journey.
We did choose to treat with medication and after about a month or so, he was consistently doing much better in school and receiving much fewer negative reports (though this was only after having to call the director to explain how I didn't need an in-depth report EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. listing every single thing he'd done wrong that day and how telling me all of that was really exhausting/mentally draining and would ruin my mood for the rest of the evening and that I shouldn't dread picking my son up each day because of the terrible report I was sure would await me).
Kindergarten is going much better but home is still a struggle. He is such a sweet kid but can be so defiant. Almost every request we make is met with resistance or questioning. I usually have to repeat myself at least 5 times before he'll even acknowledge me. Little things turn into huge meltdowns which make me feel hopeless. By the time he is in bed for the night, I am near tears myself and just left wondering how I can do better. I didn't mean to write a novel but I'm just feeling so lost and so alone. I don't have any friends or family going through anything similar and I'm sick of the looks thrown our way when he's having one of his meltdowns. I'm tired of feeling judged and I'm tired of people looking at my son as a problem that needs fixed when I know what a sweet, smart, curious child he is. I'm tired of feeling like I have failed as a parent and I'm tired of feeling so hopeless and alone.
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onetiredmother
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I should mention that he has been in play therapy since June 2022 at the recommendation of his daycare at the time (he now goes to the same school for their private kindergarten) so we were at least trying something while we waiting for the evaluation with the psychiatrist. He's on medication now and still going to play therapy but should we also try finding a psychologist that actually knows how to engage with children better than just repeating themselves over and over again if the child doesn't respond?
I would try to find a new one. I'm considering OT for mine also, and many here recommended this. As far as your main post, I see you and you are not alone at all. I'm anxiously awaiting hearing about what all went wrong today during the dreaded pick up...then on to the next round of struggles before we sleep and repeat 😵💫
keeping you in my thoughts and hoping for better days ahead! I’m sorry you’re going through this too but glad I’m not as alone as I’ve been feeling for months!
I hear your struggles and have those days where you feel your not enough or doing enough and those night you go to bed exhausted and helpless. Although it can feel this way you are not alone! Give yourself a hug and a pat on the back. Xoxo
Why is it such a common thing that educators feel the need to tell parents every minute detail of whatever has gone wrong in the day? It's been a struggle for the past 2 years with us since my son started kindergarten, that we've had to tell them that we don't need to know every single word that he's said or how many times he got up from his desk. We actually had a bit of a turn around when we asked his teacher to wrote one positive thing at the end of the paper, something he did right, which sometimes is just that he waited to ask a question. And then we praise him to no end at the end of the day on at least that one thing.As for writing a novel, unfortunately it's too often that we let these feelings build up with no one to talk to about them. And no one seems to understand these amazing little humans whose brains don't work the same as everyone else. That they are kind, funny, smart little curious creatures who have so much to teach the world. And the judgement from those who don't understand can be so heartbreaking and you feel like all you do is fail in raising your child.
But guess what? There are some of us who know these things. There are the moms who see your son and sympathize with his struggles, but are probably struggling too so they won't say it. But I will, you are one tough mom who will always fight for your son, to give him the best chances that he can have in the struggles he faces in this world. I know this because you're on this site, posting to vent, realizing how flipping hard it can be. But I hear you, and I can't tell you it will get better, but I can tell you I know how you feel, and all that you're doing for your kiddo is amazing. He's going to be an awesome adult one day and it will be because of you. My favorite expression is "easy to love, hard to raise". Try to keep your head up, and know that you're doing a great job!
Thank you so much for your reply. It brought tears to my eyes. Just to feel seen and heard and understood is incredible. I wish I knew why educators felt it necessary to share so much of the negative. I think my son’s thought being so informative was helpful to us but we know the struggles and the issues as we deal with them all day every day so it’s not new info or new behaviors. Now they fill out a sheet each day that shows how did with participation and behavior throughout the day and jot down little comments here and there. No more 10 minute long reports everyday detailing every tiny thing that went wrong. So much better. I do worry how things will go next year at public school but trying to just take things one day at a time. Thank you again for your kind words. I really needed that!
Hey there, I hear you. 6 yo boy in 1st Grade now, diagnosis last year during 1/2 day Kindergarten. The struggle is real, as they say, and it makes you doubt yourself, too. But, tbh it sounds like you've made all the right moves, but your psychologist experience and kindergarten experience aren't familiar to me, so I'm wondering if part of the issues might be with the kind of help and structure/support they're giving, not what you're doing? Just a quick thought before work 🤔
Hang in there; my son is doing far better today than a year ago today but there are days and periods of days that make me totally forget that because I feel like giving up (if you click my screen name and see my posts, if you can do that here, you can find some of them, if it helps just to see how we all hit "that day"!)
glad to hear things have improved for you and your son! I definitely think the structure/support was an issue initially as I felt like we were getting NO support for a while and like the school had never dealt with a child who didn’t fit the cookie cutter of what they thought a child should be like which I know can’t be the case. After speaking to the director, I’ve seen huge improvements and really feel like they’re trying to work with us now and provide more positive feedback than negative. The hardest thing for my son right now is learning how to regulate his emotions and controlling his actions when he gets upset. I’m hoping that’s something that will improve over time as he matures and hopefully he can work through in play therapy and eventually with a psychologist when we can find a better one!
Sounds like my son when he was that age. Now in 4th grade and doing much better. These kids need more time to mature then neurotypical kids.
We learned over time that he doesn’t respond to verbal instruction or retain the information. Does your school have an Inclusion classroom with special education teachers who might understand differentiated instruction?
I found Susan Stiffleman, author of Parenting Without Power Struggles, website very helpful.
If you don’t already attend therapy for yourself, start! If you attend therapy increase the number of visits during this challenging time. It’s so helpful having a quiet, dedicated time to receive support for yourself. This is one of those put the oxygen mask on yourself first moments.
One day at the time. As for the judgement, comments and stares I’ve decided to let this lesson in shame radically change me for the better: deeper compassion for self and others, removing my judgements of others. I now see disability everywhere and it changes how I interact and see people. It can be almost a type of spiritual practice.
Those teachers are overwhelmed and out of strategies. Sending you a prayer that support finds you where you are!
I'm so sorry. Every day is a struggle for me as well. My 14 yo has inattentive ADHD with depression and her care is really a full time job. While her friends and classmates are becoming more independent my daughter is requiring more from me. Every morning I have an anxiety attack knowing it will take me 30 - 45 minutes to get her out of bed and out the door. I dread waking up. it's exhausting and I too feel like a failure.
What I suggest is that you get some support for yourself. I found a therapist that has knowledge of ADHD and teens. She has helped me tremendously. My doctor also put me on 10 mg lexapro. A little medication and talk therapy has brought me some relief and helped with developing skills to use when navigating daily life with a child with ADHD. It's so not easy and self care is extremely important for the whole family.
Oh artistMomMe I feel ya. I dreaded getting my son up every day and felt horrible because of it too. I'm glad you able to get yourself some help. Mine finally grew up but what a chore.
I hear you! I, too, worried about what other parents thought. Other parents just really don’t understand! We do
We tried play therapy…OT has made more of a difference for us.
The biggest change in behavior for us at home was when started “praising the positive opposite behavior”. I learned this from Dr. Kazden…he has a bunch of easy to read articles online. alankazdin.com/
I was also super worried about the switch to public school. It has been so good! As soon as we had the official diagnosis, the whole day turned around. My son was finally getting the help he needed! No more daily phone calls… I just tell you this to hopefully give you hope!
Reading people’s posts on here have also helped me tremendously. I know that I’m not alone!
I’m reading Dr. Kazdin’s book now! Glad to hear that helped. I know public school will have more resources so hoping it is a positive change. We opted for private because they offered full day. Thank you for your comment and support!
Hi! I am glad you found this platform to be able to share your story and find some other parents who have been through very similar situations. For me, it has been really great to get advice and to also just read that others are struggling too. Having a child with ADHD and especially when you don't have others around you who are going through it can feel extremely isolating.
My son is 7 also with ADHD and anxiety. His preschool was truly awful. Just like you described. Every single day at pick up "did you hear what he did today?" or the run down of all his behaviors. I would cry all the way home and question him. How awful for us as parents and so not fair to our kids. My husband also has ADHD. Thankfully I moved him to a new pre school and got lucky he ended up with a teacher who also had a child with ADHD. She helped us get a diagnosis for him and talked to me openly about medication.
The other tools that have helped my son the most are 1.) medication (he is on a long acting stimulant, short acting booster stimulant to avoid the "crash" later at home, a non stimulant for mood and impulsivity, and an anxiety medication.) 2.) having an IEP in place at school. Couldn't do it without the help of the school. Be open and honest and let them know you will do whatever it takes to ensure your kiddo gets what he needs. Brainstorm ideas with them. The more you advocate for him the better. 3.) Parent training through ADHD DUDE Ryan Wexelblatt. He has a website as well as youtube videos. Learned so many tools that ACTUALLY have been effective in helping us parent better a child with ADHD and see results within our son.
You are not alone, keep asking questions when you have them. You are taking all the right steps
Yes. Yes to all of this. The dreaded pick-up. The Looks from other parents. The declined play dates. The principal who has already made up his mind that my son is a lying maniac. Medication and a new teacher have improved things drastically, but I think I'm permanently damaged. The Judgment is real. And my son is an awesome kid. Just don't get in his space or ask him to do something.😵💫
I feel like I could've written this post, except we're still in the "fighting to get a diagnosis and treatment" phase. I don't have any advice but you're absolutely not alone and it truly is so hard. You are not a failure as a parent and it is not your fault, regardless of what the judgmental stares will lead you to believe. Those are the worst. Closely followed by the constant negative feedback from teachers.
Hi there onetiredmother. Your post made me wince as I remembered my own painful journey in raising my son, who is now a grown man. It was a difficult road and well I remember all those negative experiences, such as you mentioned. Not much has changed in all the years since, except maybe more medication choices nowadays. I got to the point where I found my own tribe of supportive folks, tuned out the unsupportive judgemental people (which unfortunately included family members). I did see a specialist for a while to support my own mental/emotional health and this helped a lot. I learned to just live one day at a time, embracing my son's differences while appreciating the special positive aspects of his unique neurology. Know that you are not alone, and that you are a good mother to your boy. Yes there are going to be challenges but you will get through them. Deep breath, one step at a time.
Hang in there mama, you are definitely not alone. My son was diagnosed with ADHD at age 6, right before he entered 1st grade. Kinder was rough, we went from private to public school and it was a shock. His teacher wasn’t a fit either. But a change in teacher in first grade, starting medication and sharing his diagnosis with his new teacher made a big difference. It made the school realize he wasn’t just being defiant. As others mentioned, asking for positive reinforcement from his teacher was super helpful, and we were lucky that’s how she operates anyway. We also got him into karate, and there is something transformative about the discipline and entering the dojo. He is in full meltdown mode before I walk him to the door (it is damn near impossible to get him changed into his gi), but once he bows to the Sensei and enters the dojo, they all sit down and meditate. It regulates him, gives him community and gives me a break for 45 mins. I’ve found community with the other moms there too. He is a different child when he walks out that door. Our journey with meds is still in progress, he has tics and vocalizations, so stimulants aren’t a fit, and Atomoxetine gave him scary depressive mood swings (though we were only on it for a couple of weeks), but we’ve tried cutting his guanfacine does in half, one 1/2 dose in the morning and then one 1/2 at night, and that seems to be working for now. Now on to finding some good parent training strategies if anyone has suggestions! Sending you good vibes mama 🙏❤️
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