Today was hard. It wasn’t even that bad. It was actually a typical day. So much went well today. We survived a play date with a neighbor. My son played a great soccer game and did not once lose his cool despite being fouled repeatedly. We had fun together playing board games. He got dressed by himself with only a few reminders.
But despite our successes I am exhausted and feeling defeated. I am tired. Tired of everything seeming harder for me as a parent than it is for my friends. Tired of the checklists. Tired of endless negotiations over hygiene, screen time, homework, meals, bedtime. Tired of carefully supervised play dates where I feel like we could go off the rails at any moment. Tired of worrying about my son’s future and the odds that are statistically already against him. Tired of feeling like a failure. I am tired of ADHD.
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SylvieS
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It is exhausting! But give yourself a break. Nothing is going to be perfect with any child all of the time and that is ok b/c he/she/we are human. You can’t prevent everything in every place from happening. The happenings allow for growth. Allow yourself the relax during play dates—tag team with another parent you can trust to keep an eye on the kids (then you both get a little break) Eveb if it’s a quick 10 minute walk, or meditation or I would even sit in my car with my eyes closed with my sun glasses in and set an alarm on my phone to tag back in with the other parent. Set boundaries for yourself and add to the schedule, “time for yourself” while your child does an activity that he enjoys.
Journal, journal, journal...write down your feelings, frustrations, etc. but also write down the wins—no matter how small. You’ll be amazed to look back and see the progress. Write down your wish list of things you can do for yourself. Happy Mommy = Happy child. You have to find time to take care of yourself, or you won’t be around to take care of your child.
Best of luck, hang in there and don’t forget about you!
Thank you so much for that excellent advice. Sometimes I do forget that mistakes and screw ups are part of life!
You GET to be tired, confused, irritated and you GET to be resentful and sad about what happened to your boy and about what happened to YOUR life.
What happened to a playdate where you could just have some adult conversation instead of looking over your shoulder and just wishing it was over (plus there aren't many mutual topics to discuss: oh, you say little Johnny just read an EXTRA book for the quarter and is in the mathlympics next weekend?)
Why even after you write it backward on their forehead do they forget to turn in homework (I scan it now)?
Is it just me or at school events are the other parents whispering my way? (Could just be that I raced in there after work with my hair a
Sticking up, makeup smeared. Looking half crazed to get there on time).
For me it's like the ADHD, all the appts, counseling just took over our lives. It's not until we have a decent day or she's asleep that I even have the time to realize how this has impacted our lives.
This isn't what I wanted for my daughter and I. But this is what we have.
I'm in this for the long haul and I know you are too.
One breakdown at a time, one success at a time we got this!
Oh my I relate to EVERYTHING you just said so much. The feeling of alienation around other parents. Feeling like we have lost ourselves to a diagnosis. Thank you for sharing.
I’m so glad you all are here. The isolation around other parents with “normal” kids, feeling on the verge of tears constantly, wanting more then anything for my son to just be happy, just go have a good day at school, to feel understood. It's all exhausting and heartbreaking on a daily basis. We are in this together! It helps to know that.
I so feel you! For me it is the constant on edge for a call from school. I feel stressed every time my phone lights up. It is so tiring to always be on guard ready to deal with the next crisis even in those modes when everything is going well. Plus you feel guilty for being on edge!
I totally feel you. I wrote in my journal just this morning, how tired I am from ADHD. So tired of it. I want nothing more than to simply enjoy my children. But ADHD gets in the way, and rears it's ugly head so many times.
Today was a good day. We had some tough moments, but the majority of the day was good. I try to think about our successes, and try not to focus on the crazy hard moments. Hang in there! We're all here for you!
I can never let my guard down ever and wears on me also. Always waiting for a call from school...suspension or teachers emailing me about her failing grades. ADHD takes the joy out of my life. I have two other neurotypical kids that give me some balance but my ADHD daughter is like having 10 kids. Life is hard. We just make the best of it. Hang in there.
Hello. You are not alone. I worry constantly and fight my husband who just thinks our son is lazy even though he is diagnosed. I am tired all the time. Mentally drained. Fighting my son to go to school is the worst! 6am for a 10yr old with ADHD is murder. Then homework. And having to work full time. My husband doesn't get home till 7-7:30 and I work till 11pm. So for a couple of hrs he has to be watched by a neighbor. Trying to get thru the exact same things you do. Hang in there.
I'ts okay to say it sucks. Because it does...a lot. I second so many of the comments here, especially about caring for yourself. Lately I have been listening to a bunch of podcasts about guarding our mental health...the parents of kids with ADHD. Rack your brain, is there any way you can take a day to yourself? Do you have the support or help to go check yourself into a hotel room for the night by yourself? My husband and talk about doing that for each other at some point.
I don't know if this helps but parents of kids without ADHD don't have it easy (which you weren't saying). It's definitely easier for them compared to us but I talk to my sister on a daily basis and she is constantly worried about something with her kids and always working on something. And there have been some big issues with them. I certainly don't want that for her but it helps me understand that parenting is hard - so hard. It's harder for us at times but don't believe a parent who says they don't struggle. It's simply not true because trying to raise another human being who is kind and can make it on their own is hard. For some reason it makes me feel better to know non-ADHD families have real struggles too.
One last thing our psychologist advised after our son's diagnosis. He said we have to try and find 5 minutes of the day where we enjoy our kids. And not just the ADHD kid. I commented that it's a great idea to "connect" for 5 minutes. He said it's not necessarily about a 2-way connection - it's about me as a parent finding joy and love in my child. It could be watching him sleep or playing a sport but it's my 5 minutes to be reminded that I love them. I don't remember to do it every day but it really helps when I do.
If you have a support system that can help, don't hesitate to ask for help. And be gentle with yourself.
My therapist also recommended that I try to carve out a small time every day where we have positive time together. It has been really beneficial for all of us. Thank you for the great advice and support!
Hi Sylvie, a big hug to you. Today is a new day and you will not feel the same level of frustration, exhaustion and depression. The reason is because you are a lot stronger than you think you are. You are an awesome parent and are able to support, care for and do what is best for your son. You are his advocate in all situations. Do not think of being a failure because if you look at your life and where you, are I am almost certain that it does not equate to failure.
We are here to listen to you and support you in your difficult times. Please know that you are not alone, you have a right to feel the way you did yesterday and all of us have felt this way before.
Try and find someone to keep your son for a few hours and give yourself a quiet break. Go have a coffee, get a pedicure, read a book, take a nap or cry your eyeballs out if you need to. When you come back, you will feel better. It is so important to make time to take care of yourself so you are able to take care of others. Take care!
Thank you for the words of support. I am really working on staying more positive and worrying less. This group has been really helpful because I have felt so isolated in all of this. I have not been able to find a support group locally. Thanks again😊
I’m right here with you. Sorry it’s wearing on you too. I *hate* mornings with our son. He’s an eight year old boy, he has so little he has to do. Pull on some sweat pants, eat some cereal and fruit, take his meds, brush his teeth and go. He doesn’t have to comb his hair or even put on matching socks. It’s freaking 20 minutes of work, even his counselor admits that. But we’re waking him up over an hour before now to try to get him ready in time. We try to front load everything and have it ready night before, but I have to follow him obsessively from room to room and stop all his stalling and distractions. Every day it’s something ridiculous. He has no common sense and his behavior is just batty in the morning. And every day I’m chasing him out the door to the bus as he yammers on about nonsense and can’t manage to put on his dang coat and shoes. Ugh. I am also tired.
He recently started medication, and hasn’t gotten to an effective dose yet. I am hanging a lot of hopes on life improving for all of us if he can calm down and focus. But I know it won’t change the mornings. I’m honestly trying to grieve for my morning sanity now and try to resign myself. I dread that it will get much worse when he’s a teenager and has more expectations on him, and is probably more argumentative.
Thanks for letting me vent. Take care of yourselves, everyone. We’ll survive this.
I too dread the teenage years! Right now the only thing saving us is that he is seven and the expectations for him are so low. On days when we are running late I literally dress him in bed as he is waking up because it is so much easier. Like an infant. I don’t think a teenager will let me get away with that!
I will say that the medication has been life altering for us in a good way. It has saved our relationship with our son. I hope you find the right one/ dose for you soon. Hugs. And thanks for sharing.
I feel like this every single day. It’s so hard to stay motivated when you see how other parents have it “so easy.” I find comfort in knowing that my son is unique and has a lot of potential to be different. It’s harder for us because we know the stakes are higher. Being a parent of an ADHD child forces you to be your best self 100% of the time or pay for it. I am grateful that my son forces me to push my physical, emotional, and mental limits. I believe everything will be ok and we will both be better people in the end.
I feel the same way. It’s day by day. Some days I have more reserve than others. What helps me is self care. I used to think this was hokey. It’s acyually life changing. Find opportunities to fill yourself with what you need so that you can be a fountain for your son. As parents we have to fight the good fight. AND this is like Pearl Harbor some days. Our children will be better for having us in their lives and even the fruits of our labor may not come until later. I see little victories everyday and we celebrate them loudly. ( not just yelling all the time..lol)
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