Older Parent (71) with Daghter (mid 20's) Recently ADD Inattentive

[OlderparentOlderkid]

I am a 71 year old father of a mid 20's daughter recently diagnosed ADD Inattentive.

My daughter seems to be stuck in a struggling relationship (4 or 5 years into it), is without a job despite having recently graduated with a Computer Technology based Bachelors degree, hasn't been able to find a medication that doesn't have unacceptable (to her) side effects - Adderall definitely helps her focus but she doesn't like the way it makes her feel or the 'crashing' that occurs as it wears off so she is not on medications for ADD right now, she is pretty much always exhausted, spends a great amount of her time in the same room in front of a computer, has a pretty bleak outlook on life and answers the majority of questions put to her with , "I don't know!"

I am learning about ADHD from the web mostly and am trying to figure out how best to help my daughter help herself rather than taking over and be overly directive or completely underwriting her life to the point where she doesn't have to step into financial self-reliance (not keen to spend the rest of my life - however long that may be - focused on that!).

I'm looking for wisdom and support from any who are in or have dealt with this kind of situation with a young adult. So much of the parenting groups/ advice/ research/ knowledge is (understandably) focused on babies through high school children - not my situation.

[Momchiz]

we recently engaged an ADHD coach and maybe even just a life coach would be helpful for your daughter at her age. This fresh perspective might be a game changer in your situation and coaches have a level of advocacy for those they are coaching that feels different than a parent. Introducing a new voice into your daughters life might give her hope and help her see a path she can’t see right now. One little thing like this can sometimes make a big difference…just her mindset shift might give her energy to get things back on track. Good luck.

[OlderparentOlderkid in reply to Momchiz]

Dear Momchiz, thank you for reaching out to me and thank you for such a great idea. I'd only been thinking 'therapist' which I figured would go down like a lead balloon given past history but a specialized ADHD coach (who is ADHD themselves) - that I hadn't thought of. I Googled and found someone to reach out to - which I have done - and am awaiting their response. Thanks for providing a ray of hope in an otherwise, at the moment, pretty bleak landscape. We'll see how it goes.

[cpm3203]

Have a similar situation. I'm 69 and my wife and I adopted our 21 yr old girl at 5 weeks of birth. She was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD in 3rd grade. School was a challenge and she never tolerated any ADD meds. We tried numerous councilors and finally found one 10 years ago , female young and energetic which our girl seem to trust. She has seen her until recently stopping. Since our daughter is over 18, we have no parental control and cant speak with her psychologist without our daughters OK. Our daughter was challenged with an eating disorder in high school which put her in a treatment hospital for 4 weeks and then outpatient. Its still a cloud over her head and probably a challenge for the rest of her life. Our daughter was highly social, impulsive and very pretty which got her into problems with high school boys. She was very athletic and found big success with track for several years. Track was a physical and social outlet for her. Unfortunately COVID stole her senior year track sadly. But helping and supporting her in something she loved was a huge help. She remains very athletic oriented and still runs for fun. She wants nothing to do with college and we support her decision. She found a PT and now FT position at a local Bagel shop where she thrives. Its a fast paced job which fits her and they like her. Safe place, decent hours and she makes $30K+/year. Despite our many battles over her disorganization, impulsive choices, risky behaviors she still lives home. She lived at her then boyfriend' parent home for as year telling us she needed to get away. Yet she frequently came home to visit us and we became very thankful for the decent boyfriend. Unfortunately for her she lost the boyfriend because of her impulsive risky behavior with another boy. Despite the continued challenges we have with her behaviors she knows we love her deeply and home is a refuge now. she is immature but slowly growing up. ADD kids are typically 3-4 years behind their peers' maturity. She refuses our help and still not medicated. We are frankly scared because ADD stimulants reduce hunger and could bring back on an eating disorder. Help your child find and support AT ALL COSTS things, work, school, athletics, etc that she finds interesting and succeeds at and she will eventually find her way. If she is open to it, try other ADD stimulants, different doctors, support groups. Good counseling can help also. There is no magic pill or button to push to make ADD stop, sorry. But there are many ADD famous people success stories like Sir Richard Branson, Michael Phelps, Simone Biles, etc.

[OlderparentOlderkid in reply to cpm3203]

Dear cpm3203, thank you so much for caring enough to take the time to reach out with your ideas and share your story. I am glad that your daughter has found something engaging at the Bagel shop. I've Googled ADHD coaches and reached out to someone and am awaiting their response before floating the idea with my daughter. I also have found a local ADHD Adult support group on Facebook - which I will let her know about (I hesitate to say suggest since she doesn't seem that amenable to suggestions at the moment!). Her not being on meds is a double-edged sword. They really helped her focus and get things done (like getting her Bachelors degree) but she hated how they made her feel and how she crashed when they wore off and she definitely lost weight. She is right at the bottom end of her healthy BMI range so any further weight loss takes us into iffy territory. I thought for a while that my daughter being in a relationship was a good thing for her, but have recently discovered that she is struggling mightily in that arena too and I'm not sure if it will last. My daughter is not actively refusing my help, just letting me know that the ways in which I am trying to help are not helpful but when asked what would be helpful says, "I don't know." This is, frankly, quite frustrating to me. So I guess life is offering me the opportunity to practice patience and compassion - yet again! I think that a renewed focus by me on helping her find and concentrate on things that are of interest to her and supporting that more fully is likely a good step in the right direction as well - so thank you for that idea; I could definitely put more attention there. Thanks again. Be well!

[sceller]

We are also older parents of an ADHD son - he is now 28 and pretty much on his own. But I wanted to write and say that maturity is a slow process with many kids with ADHD. I think the general consensus is that 25-26 is about the age that parents will see true maturity, but I think this varies considerably. I'm not sure how old your daughter is, but don't despair if she seems to be moving slowly! Congrats to your daughter for finishing a degree - our son was in and out of college for years and is still 4 classes short of his degree. I recommend Vyvanse, if she wants to go back on meds. The side effects are minimal. My son is no longer on ADHD meds, mainly because his health insurance won't cover anything by methylphenidate. As far as doing things for her - you may have to help her apply for jobs and get involved much more than you ever planned to. My son had at least 10 different jobs over the years and his money management was terrible. He is now working at job he likes and which pays well. He is paying for all his expenses and saving for a car. He has lived in his own apt for about 6 years - we helped with his rent, paid his car insurance and made sure he had health insurance. ADHD kids do not usually follow the norm for maturing and leaving the nest! You could try and ADHD coach - that might help if your daughter is willing.

[OlderparentOlderkid in reply to sceller]

Thank you "sceller" for sharing your story. It seems that I am having to adjust my expectations/socially inculcated biases about kids growing up yet again! In many ways, my daughter (26), has risen to the challenges of leaving school, leaving home, getting a job, getting into a (formerly) stable relationship, leaving her job and graduating from college. And suddenly we seem to have hit a blip. I think that the last two years of Covid have seen her feeling increasingly isolated, she has recently got herself diagnosed ADD Inattentive and she is struggling in her relationship and panicked that she has no current income source. Our capacity to be present for all this is somewhat reduced since we are "snow birds" and winter outside of the USA. I have recently reached out to a coach and am going to have a conversation with her soon - although it seems she is concerned that my daughter's depression be addressed first since her clients need to have a modicum of motivation to change - which my daughter - perennially exhausted = doesn't seem to have. Thanks again for reaching out and sharing your story.