Labeling your child!?!

[Ayla_Rose]

Hi,

School is a struggle for her already!!

My 8 year old was recently diagnosed and we are about to tell her.

Our concern is that she may share it with a friend or classmate, who may tell other kids and everyone in her school will know.

She already gets called fat and stupid and I am concerned the kids will use this as another name call. “Oh she’s dumb and ADHD” “stay away from her or you’ll catch her ADHD”

I don’t want the kids to use this against her (this is too personal) or for the kids to think she contagious and “has ADHD” She’s only in grade 2 so the kids know nothing about it and can be quite mean.

I also don’t want to tell my daughter to “keep it a secret”…. That feels strange to me too……

Should I call it something else? A made up name?

Any other suggestions?

[Onthemove1971]

I am not sure I would use a "label". I would get some reading material that describes children and their differences. Show her that all children are amazing and the descibe all of the wonderful characteristics she has: creative, high energy, out of the box thinking. No need to discuss anything negative. Your worry is as an adult, children don't really understand things at this age.

Just keep it positive. Then in a few years tell her more and so on.

Hope this helps.

[Aloysia]

Regardless of what you decide to do about the ADHD label (and I've responded to that in another thread), your child is being bullied at school. When kids use labels such as "fat" and "stupid", you immediately need to have a mtg with the teacher. If the behavior continues, have a meeting with the principal and file a formal complaint about bullying. Does your daughter have friends? If so, hopefully they stand up for her. If not, you need to start actively helping her craft some friendships and maintain them. If the bullying continues and the school does not stop it, your choice is either legal action against the school for not protecting your child and not enforcing the anti-bullying rules or switch schools due to bullying. I also suggest getting her some friends who have ADHD - maybe via a support group.

[Lauraz180]

I think you may get some varying views on this and mine is probably an outlier but i have not told the school or my DS (10) for this reason. He knows he takes medication because of poor focus and that it is only needed for school days. I have discussed with him in detail many times all the things that it means in terms of strengths and weaknesses but i have never called it ADHD. No doubt one day it will click but i dont want him searching the net and seeing all the negative stuff and i really dont like the term DISORDER. I dont view it as a disorder i view it as a difference. For my DS the major sympton now medication is working so well for focus, is social issues (quiet and shy) and self conscious so not sure a big title like ADHD would help with that.

[myspecialkid in reply to Lauraz180]

Same here! My daughter was diagnosed at the end of 1st grade. My husband didn't want to inform school due to labeling but I told the school (because 1st grade teacher had suggested the test in the first place). We chose not to mention it to her (she's aware of needing meds to focus) and she's now going to 5th grade.

[Lauraz180 in reply to myspecialkid]

On the school point our own experience was the school said we should have an evaluation but didnt know what the issue was - just wasnt starting or finishing work despite doing very well on all the IQ type scoring. He went onto stimulant meds without the schools knowledge and at the next parents evening i was asked what had happened to him as he was a completely different child. After that i didnt feel the need as no teacher or report ever mentioned focus - it had been a constant comment for years and years. I guess that may change but i didnt want him getting singled out when there wasnt an objective need. Its probably the wrong answer but felt right at the time. Academics dont seem to be an issue anymore except messy handwriting. Think social side still needs work as not very outgoing personality, although i guess neither am i.

[mrl12]

I don't know if there's a hard and fast rule here, but my personal tendency has been to lean towards transparency. I told my 6-year-old daughter about her ADHD diagnosis and showed her a little cartoon on youtube about ADHD. I think it helped make things "click" for her to see other kids talking about the ways ADHD affects them, and to know she's not alone.

My daughter has felt very much alone among her peers and has long felt there was something wrong with her. Being open about the ADHD diagnosis allows us to speak more clearly about the ways it manifests and why she needs more support in some areas than other kids (and vice versa, because some of the ways it manifests are actually a strength rather than a weakness.) It also allows her to be part of the conversation about her medical treatment, which will be helpful as she gets older.

I also recently shared with her a list of all the famous people who have ADHD. She was especially impressed with finding out Simone Biles shares her disorder. I think this helps her see that you can achieve a lot in life with it.

Also, I've watched a lot of TED talks and youtube channels from people who were diagnosed later in life. Many of them say that not knowing made it more difficult when they were younger because they didn't understand why they were having more trouble than their peers. Sometimes just knowing why can help a person feel a little more calm and secure.

Just some thoughts.... I second Aloysia's response to get on the school for bullying. That is not okay. Hoping the best for your daughter (and you.)

[Momtrying]

I felt it helped my son a lot to know that he had ADHD and his brain is actually working differently and needs help. These kids are having a really hard time and they deserve to know why. Labeling it means schools/teachers can help. Maybe she’s a bit young now if you’re worried she can’t keep it her herself (although I don’t see anything wrong with her knowing and not letting her classmates know) but I think the more our children understand about how their brain is working, the better. Especially if you’re going to medicate. Obviously there’s lots of view points on this so hopefully you’ll find what works for your family And I’d get right on bullying too with letting other adults in the school know. Good luck!

[Lovelanguage]

I told my son that he has adhd then spend hours reinforcing all of the good things about his different working brain. I.e “you are such a great conversationalist. You are the life of the party. You come up with ideas that no one else can. You have so much energy, Some people hardly even move around. Of course I also talk about his brain being a Ferrari sports car with bicycle brakes. We’re always talking about how to use the breaks to control that powerful mind. Dr Richard Barkley argues against telling your child this is a gift, but I desagree. What we say as parents matter greatly to our children, it is the loudest voice and the one they believe the most. Confidence when having adhd goes along way especially when life punches them in the face. So I try to always share examples of celebrities, leaders, and those that are living full lives with this disorder. There’s been a push among expert to change the label that is used in the phychiatric Manuel DSM5. I would be thrilled if this happened.