“Social Damage”

[Mpd7059]

After working through a SPD diagnosis at age 3 for my son, we finally got an ADHD diagnosis at 7. He started hitting himself when SIP took hold and had to do Distance Learning. We got him diagnosed by a neuropsychologist and a neurodevelopmental pediatrician. We are doing OT, Music Therapy, swim and tennis as well as PEP therapy. We agreed to go the medication route after speaking to the neuropsych about the social damage of ADHD and the labeling that comes with it “out of control” “impulsive”. The meds have been a god-send. Before the meds, he got into a fight with a friends’ brother (the brother was not 100 percent innocent int he fight) and the mom doesn’t want him to play with her kids now. He was doing great since then but today I got a call from two moms saying he has called their kids “stupid” in class. I am terrified of him being socially ostracized for expressing his emotions in a negative/impulsive way. I tried to talk to him about it and he clams up and while he hasn’t hit himself, the discomfort of the criticism is so much that if I push too hard, he will hit himself. All I can say to the moms is I’m sorry. We live in a small, very affluent town. I live far away from my family and we don’t know a lot of people here. I need a support group of other families that understand this and with whom I can work with to see how we can prepare our kids to better express/manage/navigate their emotions. The meds have helped a lot, I don’t know what else to do from here. The neuropsych said to avoid play dates outside of school and if i must, keep them to 1:1 and to an hour. I need help, community and emotional support. I don’t want to take him to yet one more therapy. I am not really sure what I’m asking for here ... perhaps some perspective on how to help him develop the social skills he needs to avoid this “social damage”?

[Clue3]

This book seems pretty highly recommended. I listened to a podcast episode with the author and really liked what she had to say. I have not had a chance to read it yet (it’s on my list!) but think it would be applicable for you! Why Will No One Play with Me?: The Play Better Plan to Help Children of All Ages Make Friends and Thrive

Also, you (and your so ) aren’t alone! Hang in there. I recommend listening to podcasts with overall positive approaches. My recommendations are the Distraction podcast with Dr. Hallowell and the TiLT parenting podcast with Debbie Reber

[Mpd7059 in reply to Clue3]

Thank you so much for these recommendations. I downloaded the podcasts and started listening to them. I will also download the book. I am grateful to have found this community!

[Aspen797]

The prior poster made some really excellent suggestions. I hope you looked into TILT parenting. You really need a tribe of your own. It’s difficult when we want to socially fit in and our children do not fit in with those we are attempting to. We can become (embarrassingly) frustrated with our kids and question our parenting abilities, instead of advocating for them effectively and working on building our relationship with them. Is there a social skills group for kids he could attend instead of one of the other activities? You might meet other parents there that you could more easily forge friendships and play dates with. Finding your tribe is so incredibly helpful.

I don’t think avoiding play dates is the way to go. I agree with keeping them well structured. 1:1, and very short. Keeps everyone happy and wanting repeats. Fred Frankel has written a number of books on coaching kids on friendship skills during play dates. You might want to check him out.

Have you looked at Mightier? It is essentially biofeedback via video game and heart rate monitor to help kids learn skills to manage big emotions. It’s peer reviewed, research based. Also, for us parents, mindfulness meditation practice. Check out Smiling Mind app or the Healthy Minds program app. But #1 is reading the Tilt parenting manifesto today.

[Mpd7059 in reply to Aspen797]

Thank you so much!! I think that one experience with this one parent has really scarred me but perhaps that’s what I needed to seek out our own tribe. I have downloaded the TiLT parenting podcast but have not yet listened to it (will try to find some time this week). We had gotten Mightier but he accidentally broke the screen and I just haven’t order him a new screen. We are very fortunate to have a place called Cortica in NorCal that has been life-changing. I met a family there with a boy close in age to my little guy and we had a play date yesterday which went fabulously well. I am grateful that I found this online forum - it has made me feel less out of sorts to know that there are other families that have found ways to cope with and overcome the challenges that come with this diagnosis. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

[Aspen797 in reply to Mpd7059]

What fantastic news! Sounds like you found a great place.👍