Distraught and sad..Has he given up?

[ChristinaR1967]

Here I sit at 6am, distraught. My son is 15, will be 16 next month and has inattentive ADHD. He has been academically struggling this 10th grade year, failing half of his classes. It's so much. He has a 504 plan and is not medicated, past meds didn't work. On Monday after school, he said he didn't feel well. Said his throat was sore and had muscle aches. He had similar complaints last week. I heard him playing video games that evening. Early Tues morning, he told me he didn't feel well at all and wanted to stay home. I let him stay home since Tuesday, working on his schoolwork at home. Saw the doc Tuesday. Strep was negative. Temp 99.7. Doc said it's a viral thing and take some days off. During this period, I've seen him up playing video games, then sleeping. He's eating fine. Well this morning he asked for "one more day". I've been sick with worry all week about his health or if he's given up with school. I just don't know what to do anymore. He has social anxiety and gaming is the time when he is most happy. What scares me is that I don't know if these physical symptoms are real or is he shutting down from school. He has his annual next month. It seems like this time of year is when he is most miserable. I'm on the verge of tears. I never thought high school would be like this. Has anyone else gone through this?

[Birdie7]

Hi, Christina. You are describing my son. Same age. Video games and phone are the same for him as well. Mood swings are very common with ADHD. Our kids' bodies are out of balance, imo, and I also stopped giving my son adhd meds because the side effects made him far worse (the drugs always work well at first, then the side effects creep in. I will never, ever give him meds of any kind ever again. Biggest regret he was on them for years).

My approach now is uncovering nutritional deficiencies and correcting those. These kids benefit from a well rounded multivitamin or whole foods organic vitamin and I add omega fish oil capsules twice a day, magnesium morning and night (check with your ped for amount), and a probiotic. I have to increase his vitamin D levels since he's low. If your son is feeling down, especially during the winter, first thing I'd check is his vitamin D levels. The B vitamins in a multi can also help with mood. Keep in mind, I have over done it in the past with his vitamins (his diet choices are not healthy he hates any fruit and veggies) and that can get them out of balance.

I make sure my son has healthy fat and protein in the morning before school. He is doing well on protein shakes (I use garden of life organic protein or Jay Robb protein mixed with organic soy or almond milk) in the morning with breakfast. I have found it balances his blood sugar and helps him to focus better. He also has a better mood when I use optimal electrolyte (seeking health Dr. Ben Lynch).

I just contacted an adhd coach and will be working with one starting next week over the phone. The coach will help us put a plan in place with a schedule and structure for him. Our number one battle is the phone and electronic use. Too much is negative...there needs to be a balance. Sleep, nutrition, a 3rd party (like a coach) to guide you, love and support, structure, exercise and more exercise/sports seems to be best bet.

I have read Dirty Genes by Dr. Ben Lynch. I had his blood work done and do so every so often for vitamin D levels, iron, B vitamins, etc. I can't stress enough how important diet, sleep, and exercise are. I take my son's phone away at 8pm at night and he gets it back when he's walking out he door for school. No video games on the weekend. He earns it through chores, etc.

He is more balanced and level now than he was on meds. He looks healthier. We still have a lot of work to do, but helping to make sure their body is in balance to keep the mind in balance is key. Multi with D (my son needs more D), and add a probiotic, fish oil, and magnesium. Exercise, Structure, sleep, nutrition, balance.

[ChristinaR1967 in reply to Birdie7]

Wow, thanks! This is a wealth of knowledge. I stopped meds as well because he became so sick on them and they weren't helping. We definitely can do better in the nutrition department for sure. I work , my husband works long hours and I have an aging parent I visit several days a week. With that being said, some days I don't get to make nutritional dinners. if I buy out, I try to buy from Chipotle or someplace that has real food and vegetables. However, sometimes it's pizza or something like that. It's really hard. Right now, my son is taking a teen multivitamin, but that's it. I'm going to take these suggestions to the health store this weekend. sometimes I worry that these muscle aches he's having are possibly a result of depression or a mood disorder. He's my only child and I have nothing else to go on. These teen years have been so tough, trying to figure everything out. Some days he will be my happy boy like he was when he was younger, especially when school is out. When school is in full force, here comes the complaints about physical ailments and he's down in the dumps. I know that he's been very turned off from school and we're trying to find a balance with that. These past days, I've walked around distraught and worried that physically he is sick, but I don't know if that's the case 100%. I'm quite the pushover with him--unlike with his dad and part of me thinks he knows he can get away with this staying home for extended days. I worry so much. Sometimes I also feel I'm a naive parent with having a teen. When he says he's sick, I truly believe him every time. I'm just a mess and honestly I need some type of therapy myself. I really want to start a support group where parents of kids with ADHD can commiserate together. I agree that I believe everything is out of order. Next month we will be seeing his pediatrician and getting a lot of things lined up. I know one thing, I don't like living with this stress. none of my friends kids have ADHD and it makes them hard to understand what I'm going through. I thank God for parents like you, to let me know I'm not alone. Thank you so much. ❤

[Birdie7 in reply to ChristinaR1967]

Muscle aches---does he take any extra magnesium? When my son has muscle aches, he takes Epsom salt baths. It soothes sore muscles and the magnesium soaks into the skin and relaxes him. For whatever reason, my son seems to need more magnesium and if he goes several days without taking an Epsom salt bath, he gets irritated. You can pick up a bag at any drugstore, target, or Costco has Dr. Teals in a blue bag. He adds one cup to a bath and soaks. Sometimes I have him add a cup of baking soda as I read that it pulls toxins out of the body.

One other thing I want to emphasize. And, it's vitamin D. Not only is vitamin D tied to a healthy immune system, but it's tied to mood as well. I boost my entire family with vit D in the winter. I have used Thorne D with K liquid and add one drop to juice or water in the am and one drop at night. This is the quickest way to boost D. Since my son is taking a multivitamin with K, I give him (at the recommendation of a dietician) pure encapsulations vitamin D3 without K. It can take several weeks to boost the immune system but I have seen personally, incredible results.

For example, I see an MD who is a specialist in functional medicine (similar to Dr. Axe, Dr. Mercola, Dr. Hyman, Dr. Ben Lynch...I read their articles online). I eat a very healthy diet---think anti-inflammatory diet and was incredibly surprised to learn that my blood work showed I had low levels of vitamin D even though I take fish oil and walk my dog daily for an hour. She told me that even "borderline" low levels of vit D can make a person feel tired, moody, and have low immunity. Wow. She put me on a D capsule with 5000 iu. Within 2 weeks, I had incredibly energy and it boosted my mood. When you feel good, your mood is good.

So, if you do anything, sounds like your son would benefit from vitamin D. Try Epsom salt bath and see how he reacts. I would also talk to your son's doctor about the muscle aches. My son has had the same but no longer has this complaint. By the way, I guarantee my son's diet is worse (has sensory issues with food). Every day, I tell him to choose a particular veggie or drink a glass of organic vegetable juice. He chooses the juice every time. I make smoothies on the weekend with no sugar but stuff like rasberries for fiber, greens like spinach or kale and arugula, etc, organic cooked beets (I kid you not) and/or zucchini...with a little OJ or organic apple juice. The berries like blueberries mask veggie flavors. I blend them smooth and he doesn't have issues with the texture. I've had to negotiate this. Don't beat yourself up over your busy schedule. Just do your best. I hug my son before he leaves for school and before bed at night and tell him I love him. I send him an encouraging text at school every couple of days.

Hang in there. You can do this. You are not alone. It's hard and stressful but focus on what you can do.

[Ldydy24]

Good morning. I feel your pain as a parent with a 14 yr old who is also obsessed with his phone and video games. It’s definitely a struggle for all parents including those who don’t have kids with ADHD. My son earns his by getting good grades. I also lower his data if the grades and attitude need an adjustment.

My sons ADHD meds help him tremendously and while I know some kids may struggle on them I have to ask if you have exhausted all resources. We tried like 8 different meds since my son was diagnosed at the age of 5 and worked hard until we found one that worked. I also went through 3 different doctors. My point is there are a lot of options out there and I would advise you don’t give up finding the meds because once you do they will be life changing. Work with a ADHD child psychiatrist.

Your son doesn’t want to go to school because he is struggling. I know you said he has a 504 but you may want to see if he’s eligible for an IEP given his struggles. I also had to help st home and spend a lot of time helping my son study and keeping track of assignments until this year, I finally cut the cord given his age and I hold him accountable. Hang in there and make sure to some time for yourself 🤗

[anirush]

Not everyone is for medication and I understand that. But there have been studies that anxiety and depression in teens is becoming a major problem. My 15 year old grandson also has most of his friends online with his video games. But I have read that's pretty common these days.

The teen years were a real struggle for my daughter. Now her boys are dealing with the same thing. And she isn't too stable right now which doesn't help. Have you tried counseling at all? Most schools have counselors too and the one at my grandson's school is wonderful.

My grandson psychiatrist is always saying they may need to suffer the consequences of their actions but it's really hard to just let them fail. Good luck finding answers.

[Momrocket]

Dear Christina,

I feel for you. My son, also 16, had school struggles in middle school.

We have done three things that helped markedly:

1. We went on a gluten, dairy and dye free diet. This can have a big impact on adhd. Our son is also sensitive to artificial and natural flavors. These items have a fairly devastating effect on some kids’ moods, my son included.

2. We had our son evaluated for nutritional deficiencies at Mensahmedical.com. This was big impact for us! The doctors at Mensah Medical write prescriptions for custom vitamins. There is no substitute for dialing in the nutrient profile.

3. We recognized the school was failing our son. Unlike your son, ours was on an IEP. Your son probably qualifies for one due to adhd under other health impaired. Your child has a right to an education but he is not getting it because of his disability. You may want to hire a great psychologist who specializes in education and an attorney and try to get a placement in a school with much smaller classes where he will be able to learn. This is not your son’s fault!! He needs help!! Do not allow the school to fail him.

Good luck.

Lauren

[Birdie7]

Good feedback here. I agree, take care of yourself and that goes for any parent reading these messages. Just like they say on an airplane, secure your oxygen mask first. I speak from personal experience and recognize that my stress, sadness, and anxiety reactions to my son's issues only made for a negative cycle.

There is no one size fits all here and no clear cut manual, either. We have a relative with ADHD and he is on medication and doing fine. However, he has no other underlying issues, no anxiety, depression, fatigue, severe speech issues as a child, food sensitivities, allergies, etc., like my son. I buckled to the pressure from teachers in elementary school to put my son on meds against my gut instinct and it had extreme negative consequences for him, making his anxiety and mood swings worse coming off every single med we tried (we even did metabolic testing). He finally told me he didn't like being a "science experiment" and didn't like the way he felt while on them. When he had extreme weight loss from Vyvanse and his doctor at the time said we need to consider feeding tube, that was it. I started reading the package inserts and became very alarmed by the side effects he was experiencing. Everyone is different and medication for those with "classic" adhd symptoms and no other underlying issues may be beneficial...but absolutely not for everyone.

It is my hope that any parent considering medication for their child to work with a doctor to check for nutritional deficiencies, allergies, food reactions, etc., to rule out all else as the side effects of any medication will cause any medical issues to get worse. I also dug deeper and found that my son has methylation issues and a tremendous amount of inflammation in is his body---no wonder he couldn't handle medication.

Something else simple anyone can do. I discovered years ago my family had allergy symptoms to the fragrance in laundry detergent, for example. I switched to "free and clear" detergent and my other child's eczema cleared and my son was far less agitated. So sensitive, I guess. I was willing to try anything and something so small as this has big impacts. Anyone who has experienced nasal and head swelling from allergies like fragrance will tell you it makes them irritated, too.

I wholeheartedly agree on the nutrition angle. My son's lip swelled like a balloon and had hives all over his body from a green dye. Hives everywhere. Agitated. Gluten is a problem for many, like Momrocket stated...I can tell you from personal experience that it gives me extreme inflammation (autoimmune issue) and I avoid it. I felt like a million bucks when I gave it up. I also highly recommend whole foods multivitamins for most but I can tell you we discovered my son was having a histamine response to whole food vitamin c, for example. My gosh. These sensitivities were driving us all nuts. With the advice of a doctor, I have since put him on a probiotic called Probiota Histamine X and is doing well.

Also, about 6 months ago, my son complained of being very tired. I honestly didn't know if he was experiencing depression like symptoms so I took him to his regular doctor who ran a complete blood count amount other tests. She identified several medical issues causing him to be tired! She said, "no wonder your son is tired." Feel free to message me if you are curious for more details.

Yes, therapy can be very helpful for many. My son refused to go and so I saw a therapist who specializes in ADHD and decided to track down an ADHD Coach because I was ready for tangible solutions that I wasn't getting from therapy. This coach is for my husband and I only---we needed a third party to tell us how to respond to different ADHD behaviors, how to recognize what is in my son's control and what isn't...how to better manage the amount of time he spends on electronic devices, how to boost his self confidence, etc. Our goal is one thing: to help our son be the best he can be.

Wow, Ldydy24, love your approach on the cell phone usage---lower his data? I never thought of that. I thought if data ran out, it would be roaming charges or whatnot. I'll call my carrier and found out what that looks like. Thanks for the tip.

For now, my son's behavior seems balanced and stable on a multivitamin, vitamin D, fish oil, a probiotic, and magnesium. His mood is good, not as focused in classroom as his peers, but he's not angry or agitated or sad or depressed. Now, if we could just get him to like school and get off the phone.

[Ldydy24 in reply to Birdie7]

Yes check your phone plan. We have a Cricket plan just for my son and because he mostly watches You Tube we pay for the unlimited data. He rides on the bus for an hour so if he can’t watch videos it’s torture! He knows when I lower it and what he needs to do to earn it back.

[Janice_H]

Hi Christina, I'm so sorry that you are feeling so unsure and tearful about your son. My 12 yo has ADHD and is inattentive. He loves TV, his phone and gaming but I put limits on them as he could go all day doing nothing but watching TV or fooling with his phone. He is allowed to watch TV before dinner, after homework or before bed. The TV and video games go off at 9:30. I limit his phone usage. He is only allowed to have his phone when I have errands to run and he will be alone at home.

I have found that he frequently lies about being sick and not wanting to go to school. He has passing grades but I know that school work is a challenge.

My advice is to reconnect with the school by meeting with the teachers and guidance counselor for support. Explain what you are experiencing at home. It may be time to re-consider medication to get his focus back on point. You may be able to modify the 504.

High school is a tough transition time. The curriculum is much harder, homework is challenging. Peer pressure and hormonal changes can affect mood also.