Hello, all. Thank you in advance for reading this and for any feedback you may have.
My teen is not allowed video games during the school week, and I take his phone at 8pm on school nights and 9pm on weekends. However, his electronic device use is the number one issue we fight about. After I shut down the x-box, he's on his phone playing games, using social media, and binge watching videos and movies. It's all he wants to do. It's a battle after school with the phone and a battle on the weekend. I have an app on his phone that will freeze all but text and phone...use it when necessary and I am worn down by the "all my friends have their phones with them at all times" mombo jumbo. I try to arrange social gatherings and keep him busy on the weekend but he always wants to stay home--it's always an argument. I've dangled hefty carrots as incentives to get him to spend his time more responsibly but nothing works. I don't want to have to take all of it away, I am struggling with hard and fast rules.
I am looking for advice on rules you may implement or rewards or how you manage time on their devices. His "smart" phone and video games are making him not so smart, antisocial, and it's plain unhealthy.
How old is your son?
15
Ok, I know this is way out there. I just took it all away. My daughter will be twelve in February. I think it is WAY more difficult with older kids and I'm REALLY not sure how this will work in the future) My daughter was diagnosed bipolar in August and ADHD in late September. I thought I knew what she was doing on her phone. I didn't. Once I really knew what she was doing on her phone, it was dark and bad. I tried to regulate, tried to limit, but she finally just told me that she couldn't help herself. I just took it all away. she has a flip phone now with no internet. I admit to being terrified to take it away.
It was hell for a week. Pure hell. It was also the BEST thing I ever did. I let her text her friends on my phone and we use the internet together on my Surface. I took all the other computers out of the house and made her Dad, my ex do the same. (WHOLE separate thing) She hasn't asked for her phone in two months. Hasn't asked for the internet either. She is so much calmer. We play games together, we talk (be ready to have to talk ALL THE TIME and pay attention to him ALL THE TIME.
It's hard. really hard. but it worked for me. I honestly think it's horrible for kids. I'm not at all trying to say that you should do what I did, but I think it saved my kid's life.
HUGS. I think others here have been really successful at limiting and rewards so I hope others have really good ideas for you!
Thank you for your input!! I have read stories similar to yours, where the parent has taken all of it away. And, that it worked. I am all for getting rid of Instagram, games, internet. But now that my son is a freshman in HS, he's finally making friends and has a girlfriend. He has struggled socially for so many years. I hesitate to remove all social contact, believe it would be detrimental to his well being. And the xbox...he says it's the only thing in life he's really good at, that it he feels good about himself since he struggles with everything else in life. Gosh, it's so hard. I am contemplating shutting off all apps during the week after school. The app I use (OurPact) shuts off the snap chat etc., all except phone and text (which I am ok with). It's hard to deal with his extreme anger when I shut it down to get him to focus on homework, for example...he yells, hits things, harasses me. He just wants to be treated like everyone else, even though he knows it's different because of ADHD.
I totally understand! My daughter struggles socially too! As she gets older I'm not at all how I will handle this at all! I'll be interested to see how everyone else responds!
We use OurPact as well but they can circumvent the shutoff so don’t trust they are off it.
I use our pact too and the best thing I did was from the get go have a set schedule where she has it only at times when she should in theory have no other school or self care responsibilities. Weekends we are still figuring out. But her knowing ahead that there is a preset schedule takes a lot of the begging and “negotiations “ out of things. The hard part is to stay strong at all times and “do not negotiate with terrorists” as they say lol
So funny, I use the same language on my son when he wants more electronic time when he's had more than the average bear---I also say, "I don't negotiate with terrorists." Lol. Yes, though, it's good advice to have a very specific set schedule, thank you...I notice that when the schedule changes or husband doesn't stick to it is when things get loose and the electronic harassment begins.
Don’t get me started on presenting a United front with the other parent. I can’t get it to work no matter how easy people make it sound. It helps that I’m the only one with the control app on my phone, but while it makes me the gate keeper it also makes me very unliked and not popular with the kid because clearly if dad offered whatever privilege and it’s off suddenly it is pretty easy to figure out I’m the bad guy. For following the preset rules and consistency. Constant battle here so I feel hanged up on and beyond done with arguing with a teen child.
Hi I know this is off topic and I apologize for butting in but I was wondering if you could answer me -what behaviors led to the bipolar diagnosis and what led to ADHD ? what are the different behaviors that you saw in your daughter? I suspect my son has inattentive ADHD but I’m wondering if it’s something more. Any insight would be much appreciated thank you so much !
Here is an article that might help..
healthline.com/health/bipol...
Thank you!
Hi, Spartan71. You may have already done this, but wanted to mention it just in case you have not. I have had my son's blood work done to look for any vitamin or mineral deficiencies just to rule that out. I have it run every so often and after doing some research, have requested additional testing as well.
When my son was 9, we discovered that he was anemic (which can definitely affect behavior), very low vitamin D levels (immune system issues), and hypoglycemic to name a few. I now give him iron and Vitamin C and Thorne vitamin D liquid 2k IU daily. He also had high arsenic in his blood when I was looking for and ruling out lead and other toxic elements. His other test results showed quite a bit of oxidative stress and low carnitine. He now takes NAC and his doctor also added selenium and carnitine supplements. I gave him quite a bit of fish oil starting at age 2 (and I noticed improvement in behavior). I have supplemented him with fish oil EPA/DHA since. And, I am thankful for reading on these message boards about Vayarin Plus (Rx strength fish oil that crosses blood brain barrier) and I started my son on that this month. My son had sensory processing issues which impacted his diet (refused most foods with texture for example) so he had nutritional deficiencies, and every child is different...this is just what we discovered for our son.
If you haven't do so already, you can have your son's iron and vitamin D levels checked with his Ped, or take it a step further and have more detailed tests run with an Integrative Functional Medicine M.D. who may be more open to running more thorough tests like food allergies, fatty acid profile, and amino acids, etc. for example. I felt it was important to make sure my son's health was balanced before putting him on medication and addressing his ADHD head on. Best wishes.
thank you Birdie7. I do have him on Vayarin and have seen some improvement in emotional regulation. And I have had all the blood tests done and there are few areas where he is minor deficient(sometimes low iron, mild gluten intolerance) but nothing too significant. It's like he is always on the border of any kind of diagnosis which on one hand I should be thankful for but on the other makes it difficult to figure out if his behavior is "normal" or is there something else going on. He is in 5th grade this year and there is a big change in workload and having to figure things out by himself and he finds it very difficult so he is acting out. Being very moody and defeated. I will keep plugging away.
My 9 yr old uses the internet as a coping mechanism. I’ve voiced my concern that he may be addicted to the internet. I’ve tried the two hrs rule but he nickel and dimes me for every minute and if I’m not watching over him with a clock .... it’s pretty much impossible. Also, looking for help or advice. Thanks ahead of time.