Where did I go wrong?

[Janice_H]

During a medication management appointment today, my 11 yo son revealed that he tried to commit suicide using a knife to stab himself in the chest. He says it is because I yell at him all the time and he feels no one cares. I know that he has been struggling with the absence of his father and difficulty accepting that his ADHD makes him different from other children. I never knew things had gotten so bad. I feel responsible for his pain and now worry about his safety when he is alone.

[Mudpies]

I am so so sorry you are going through this. I’m so sorry that your son is going through this too. We all deal with SO much and none of it is easy. If possible I would suggest therapy separately and together for you and your son. I know it’s a lot on top of the other appointments but it would hopefully just be for a season. BIG HUGS!

[Hidden]

You didn’t go wrong! HUGS!!

Don’t look backwards - just work with him to find balance for the future.

[Hidden]

I don't think you did anything wrong! My daughter's extreme depression and suicidal thoughts got us to her mood disorder and ADHD diagnosis. I also think it is VERY common for our kiddos to have depression. I'd be depressed if I was in the classroom and I couldn't understand anything going on. I'd be depressed if the kids didn't get me and called me names when I just wanted friends but didn't know how to make them. I'd be depressed if my Mom yelled at me when I really just couldn't do the work. I'd be depressed if my Dad (also in my situation) wasn't around much and just in general didn't seem to care about me. I would get him into therapy as soon as possible.

Guilt is useless in our situation. Oh, how I could list the things I did until she was 11. Held her back, MADE her sit in the kitchen doing her homework until very late at night and then yelling at her thinking she just wasn't trying. But it doesn't do me or her any good to dwell on these things. We HAVE to move forward. And yes, you will yell again and he will cry and then you will get up the next day and try again.

It's actually GREAT that he admitted the attempt to you. NOW you can deal with it in therapy and in your family. Get a safety plan together. If he has a phone, shut it down. One of the things my daughter was doing was burying some websites on her phone that were not conducive to healing. Spend time with him and just love him. If you need to go to counseling - GO. Mostly when I first went to counseling I just cried for all the loss and guilt I was feeling, now we're getting somewhere.

HUGS, you ARE a good Mom, you're just dealing with a difficult situation!

[Janice_H]

This is amazing supportive feedback. I am awaiting a call from the social worker and I'm looking forward to helping my son deal with this. I have taken away his phone long ago because he was not being productive and stumbled upon inappropriate websites. Thank you for caring enough to write the encouraging response.

[shellyn04]

ohhh janice!! my heart aches for BOTH of you!!!! this is my worst fear with my 12 year old. as far as i can see... puberty plays a HUGE part in things. i am seeing that on a daily basis. i second guess my self about 5 times a day!! sooo scared i will make the wrong decision and let him down. do i need to change meds? or is it just puberty? sooo tough!! hard to tell WHAT they expect of you these days?? HUGS, HUGS and more HUGS all around!!!!!

[SylvieS]

Janice I’m so sorry! What a horrible revelation for you. It is NOT your fault. And I’m just heartbroken for you and your son. It is not fair how hard this is and I know you have already been through so much. It sounds like you have a good team and it is great that your son was able to bring up his feelings and ideation as awful as that must have been. I wish both of you healing and support. Lean on whomever you can and take care of yourself while you take care of your boy❤️

[bdhb96]

It’s hard to believe I know, but just the fact that he told you he made this suicide attempt is a possible huge turning point. It means he trusted you enough to tell you. It also means he’s really desperate for help because he doesn’t know what to do to make the pain stop. He likely didn’t want to die, he only wanted to stop the pain, stress and frustration. He needs you.

My daughter didn’t do anything as dramatic, but when she finally told me in 11th grade, it had been going on for a year and a half already. And I didn’t know. She’d never told her counselor of 3 yrs either in all their weekly meetings. Or her prescribing doctor. She said that they’d never asked if she’d specifically done “that” so she didn’t say she had. Despite the fact that they’d asked about if she had wanted to hurt herself or others. She said no, she didn’t want to hurt herself. She just wanted the pain to stop. Finally she trusted me to tell me one day after a panic attack (I’m her rock, her foundation that she can always turn to, but her dad is the one that inspires her). Then I immediately let the counselor and prescriber know. Her meds were adjusted to deal with the crippling depression and anxiety. In a month she was doing much better and hasn’t returned to that dark place again. Thank goodness she told me!

And now that you know, you have to take steps immediately to get him out of this danger zone. You have to show him you care by how seriously you take what he said. You have to walk this tightrope of reassuring him that you’ll figure this out together, everything will be ok after this super rough patch, but be truthful that you don’t know everything and how to fix it. And you need help.

By age 11 he’s old enough to figure out if you know what you’re talking about so be truthful or youll lose credibility going forward into the teen years when, I’m sorry to tell you (or least from my experience with my 12th grader), it becomes even more intense as peers begin to excelerate and prepare for college. Leaving your still rather immature teen behind.

I’m sorry to paint such a serious picture of the not so distant future for your parenting efforts, but I want you to be mentally preparing yourself now for a longer period of time where he may need more scaffolding help from you than you may have needed yourself at the same age. It’s shocking to me when I think of how much more independent I was at the age of 17 than my daughter is now. I wish ADHD was a “superpower” as Dr Hallowel says, but so far that’s not been the case. I can’t sugar coat it and I’m not trying to sell books so I’m giving it to you...as I’ve seen it anyway.

Despite all this, once high school is over I think things will become much better for my daughter. During high school you’re forced down the same path (mostly) simply due to your age. After high school you can choose your path. Off to university if you’re ready (and can get in), or take a gap year and attend a nearby community college to continue living at home and take a reduced course load that’s manageable in subjects of interest. That’s when they start getting some control over their lives, at a speed that isn’t too stressful for them, about topics they’re interested in. No, it’s not off to prestigious universities like so many classmates, but who knows, that doesn’t mean they won’t find happiness and fulfillment in their adult lives. Who knows, maybe the few years at community college to mature those lagging executive function skills and find themselves, will better prepare them to enter a university a few years later. Or a trade school or whatever. Whatever is right for your child. There’s many paths in life!

I know, your child is only 11 and here I am going on about things still 5-6 yrs away...but I share because when I look back at my experience, I know that I had this quietly building dark worry about 11th and 12th grades and what my chikd’s future would be. Every year it became worse and more consuming worry. It’s not healthy for a parent and I think the child can sense the worry and it only makes things more intense. For me, now a parent of a 12th grader with ADHD, high anxiety and a written expression disorder, I can finally relax. I know she’s not going off in the fall to university (she doesn’t have the grades anyway! despite her high IQ!) when she’s not ready for the full-on college experience yet. And she’s accepted it too and is planning how she will get into her targeted art college in two years after CC. And she plans to move out at that time. We’re finally out of this unknown gray zone.

Since she was in 5th grade I couldn’t figure out my underlying growing panic for years regarding my child’s future. It’s torture to hear your friends talk about all the college tours for their kids starting at 10th grade and know there’s another solid two years of this to listen to while your child is left behind. I think if I had accepted it earlier that she would have a different path than so many of her peers (and that it was totally fine!), then I could have been a better parent to her in middle school and early-mid high school years. I don’t think I did a lot of things wrong, but I could have been more supportive and understanding, more reassuring that it would all work out, to follow her passion more. I could have been more calm and less stressed myself about the unknown...and would she live with us until she’s 30?

My biggest guilt is the sense of lose for what I had always hoped for her future. It’s almost like grieving. You grieve for your hopes and dreams for your child’s future. You realize their options have been changed due to this disability and it takes time to process that. Even here, people don’t talk about this deep parenting truth, but it’s true.

The problem with this way if thinking though is that we don’t know what the future holds. When a child makes it through these difficult younger years, it may make them more resilient by the end and more confident to find their own way in life...to the same end goal of happiness and fulfillment as everybody else.

You’re in for a ride, so get yourself prepared with counselors for him and yourself (and probably depression meds), and give him unconditional love to know you’ll always be his rock!

[corster]

I’m sorry to hear this. I would take him off his ADHD meds. My teen had suicidal thoughts all the time on meds and now doesn’t since we took him off. It’s more important to know he’s not going to hurt himself than his success at school.

[Ericanason in reply to corster]

My daughter 12 years old is on focalin for her ADHD I thought we were finally on the right path until a few days ago she came to me crying begging to not take the medicine anymore that she spent most of that school day rocking in the bathroom crying. She has been saying things recently that make me feel nervous like she would want to die. My heart is broken for her. I thought I was doing the right thing getting her these meds but there's no way I'm giving her medicine that she's crying begging not to take .

[anirush]

So story to hear about your struggles. They say depression is becoming more common among preteens and teens. One thing I always did with my daughter, and am trying to repeat with my grandsons, is to remain calm when they tell me something like this. They are more likely to confide in you in the future if you handle things calmly.

My 14 year old grandson is on an anti-depressant because of his depression, but it can sometimes make things worse so you have to be careful with them.

You are a good mom, continue to be there for your son.

[Ericanason]

This is heart breaking. My daughter is 12 years old with ADHD/aniexty/depression she has been meds for awhile now she takes Focalin. She came to me the other day with that she hates her medication and how it makes her feel and that she shouldn't have to take a medicine everyday to make people like her and change her behavior and said she spent alot of that school day rocking in the bathroom crying. I feel so awful I just want to help her. I wish you and your son the best.

[Ericanason in reply to Ericanason]

My daughter also barely has a relationship with her father he'll see her for a quick visit every few months at his convenience. I've told her it's her choice if she wants to continue a relationship with him but she says she does which breaks my heart more because she wants a relationship with him even knowing it's not much. She takes Zoloft for her depression and aniexty I haven't noticed much difference in her on it but the Dr did start her at a low dose so we can slowly adjust it till we find what's right for her but now I'm wondering if maybe the Zoloft could be what is recently making her feel worse. Sometimes she acts fine and I'll think things are going good for her and out of nowhere she'll have a breakdown saying things like she has no friends and she feels like the whole school hates her. I pray things get better for our babies.

[bdhb96]

My 17 yr old daughter had been a few different depression meds over the years, all liquid because she won’t swallow pills, but the most successful has been the fluoxetine (generic Prozac) she started 1.5-2 yrs ago. It did have to be increased over time to get the right but it started out really low. Thank goodness something worked!

The depression had become her biggest issue so it became the priority. But the crazy thing was that the depression was likely caused by years of trying to handle the inattentive ADHD (the very important executive functioning skills) and dyslexia (specifically written expression which affects being able to compose writing essays and other things). Years of non-stop failure and always being behind in classes, of never catching up on homework, of never thriving...well, that would wear anybody down.

And now think about what we parents have to for them during this whole time: simultaneously be their taskmaster and their cheerleader. We have to nag them to get work done (and turned in!). We have to tell them how much we believe in them, know they can do it...but also that they had better finish and turn in that assignment due a month ago or they’ll fail that class. Sigh...it’s exhausting to be someone else’s prefrontal cortex! And imagine having more than one child with ADHD, or also a spouse with ADHD. (A girlfriend of mine has 4 sons and a husband with ADHD!) Or you yourself have ADHD. There are many layers. With so many additional years of concentrated parenting needed for our ADHD kids, we have to also remember the toll it can take on us. I think it’s a bit like caretaker burn out. Instead of 5 yrs of concentrated parenting to help them learn how to handle their growing responsibilities, it’s 10 yrs.

Prepare yourself mentally for the long haul. Just accept it and expect it so you won’t be constantly disappointed in their slow progress. They’ll get there eventually and you won’t have to always worry about them. Meanwhile don’t get burned out and depressed yourself!! It’s common and not really talked out...when you’re in constant caretaker mode, it’s easy to forget how you need your own break. And not to feel guilty about it.

[Janice_H in reply to bdhb96]

You are so right. I am in caregiver burnout mode and need to slow down and take care of myself. Thank you for listening to me vent and for your support.

[Klmamma]

My son is only 5 and about to start kindergarten. He may have ADHD. If school makes them feel this awful why not homeschool them? Is there a reason I haven't read about anyone doing that?