Have to make changes...

[VolcanoMom]

HI!

One thing that frustrates me (and I don't know everyone's situations), is why as parents do we accept the hitting? We focus on the child's needs SO much, that we allow them to get away with anything because they have ADHD. You as a person deserve a much better home life. So does their siblings. Here's my question.... fast forward 20 years... how are you going to feel when your child is abusing his wife? Or his future children? That was my wake-up call. What I was allowing in my house, is going to be how my children (with/without ADHD) will treat their children. I made a decision to make a change. I realized that I don't accept bad behavior from my non-adhd child, WHY do I accept it from ADHD child? One of the problems was myself, and I needed a makeover.

I'm married to an ADHD male, who we did have our fair share of really rough beginnings to our marriage. Including these types of behaviors we see in our kids. Let me tell you, they don't outgrow it. He's 46, and has outburts, and says mean things and treats people poorly.... He's now seeing a psychiatrist and a ADHD coach.

So when my ADHD son started down the same path, we stopped as a family. I remember a very low point... and the 4 of us sat together, crying, sad, mad, hurt, emotions just broken, dejected, and we made some family rules that ALL of us agree to on a daily basis.

#1 was no hitting.

#2 hugging instead of yelling

#3 not accepting swearing

#4 EVERY person has a voice in the family, and EVERYONE is heard.

#5 ADHD does NOT equal disrespect

It wasn't easy in the beginning. Both my children (ADHD and not), had to have me have a strong constitution. But after a week, we celebrated some small wins. Then those grew to bigger. It's been about 5 months of working HARD.... so hard my house doesn't get clean, and I order pizza too much... and probably too many margarita's at night mixed with tears/exhaustion.

The last three weeks my ADHD son was able to come home, start AND complete his homework AND have time for technology afterwards. He smiles... he hugs... he is even sharing and playing with his little sister. He's done chores. All of this is on his own, without us even being home aftershool! (He's 12, in the 7th grade).

We are a much more calm and loving family.... we can do simple things now, like cook together, or watch a movie together. I've slept the last week away... and I know this will always be a battle. But this week, my family is winning.

It is possible. This plan worked for our family, find what will work for yours. Stick up for yourselves!

[Onthemove1971]

VolcanoMom- thank you for sharing what worked for your family with us. Please understand that every family has a different dynamic. For example: some grandparents are raising children that are struggling with additional issues.

It is nice that this plan was successful for you guys but it will not work for everyone. Of course we all want safe, comfortable homes without hitting and cursing.

Hope you family contuines to have success.

[paradoxlive]

Thank you so much for sharing! That family meeting had to be rough and sticking to the rules - that takes incredible fortitude. as Onethemove1971 says, this won't work for every family but I'm so glad that it works for yours. Congratulations on not only finding the way but with sticking to it. As I was reading, I thought of ways I could tweak it for my own family. And, if it comes with evening margaritas? I'm all in!

[VolcanoMom]

Absolutely correct! I don’t know everyone’s situation! Maybe I didn’t do a good job of expressing myself, but I just want all of the awesomeness here to remember to not only advocate for our children... but to remember to advocate for yourself! It doesn’t matter what role you are (grandparents, parents, friends)... just remember YOU are also important! You deserve a break/love/support/this group... whatever it is... don’t forget you.

I forgot me, and it got really bad at home. Once I started to fill my soul, and I got happier, I was able to affect more change in my household. That didn’t require money/meds/doctors...... I know the depths of hell we all face. Which is why we are on this group. All I’m saying is to try to find your happiness in this crazy journey!

[Mmagusin]

Live your house rules!

[Mmagusin]

Meant to say ‘love’ your house rules. But I suppose living them is right too

[Ericanason]

This is amazing!!! I'm so happy for your family. I had the same thought to myself the other day I said if right now my 10 year old son is having behaviours like this towards me his mother and I'm not able to correct in 10 years it will be his girlfriend or wife getting the abuse and finally I'm not letting this all slide anymore and looking into what i can do to really help him and have him seeing a doctor. Reading your story gave me hope. Thank you.

[VolcanoMom in reply to Ericanason]

Good luck! We are the ones who can affect change now... here’s to our children’s futures... in all it’s wonderfulness.

On the flip side- I have been married to a man for 14 years. He does have adhd and takes vyvanse daily. He was never diagnosed and now he is working through all of this now.

Our children will be so much better prepared to my husbands generation!

Be strong momma bear!

[Jc101]

I love this! Something I struggle with also . When do we draw the line of ADHD behaviors that we accept and just plain disrespect . Before my 7 year old son was diagnosed we were just fed up with his unexplained disrespect and explosive anger /crying . When we got the diagnoses it allowed me and my husband to understand him a little better with then allowed us to approach him in a different way which has helped . Fast forward a bit and now I watch him looking for attention after his outburst just wanting me to engage in his naughty behavior .i think The more we as parents get our crap together we are able to better help our kids . It’s tough and not every day is great but I’m also noticing improvements like you! I love hearing stories like this because it helps to know I’m not alone