Why did we go to the birthday party?

My daughter has a friend in the neighborhood. I SO want her to have friends, but she just doesn't interpret social cues. I was watching but I was also enjoying just TALKING to an adult. The kids went outside and I just knew this was a bad idea. The kids came running back inside about 15 minutes later saying my daughter had run away. She came back crying hysterically. We had to leave and I just didn't want to ruin the other girl's birthday. ugh. I want her to be social and learn but at this point I wonder if it's worth it when we just end up in tears for two hours and now she has to face this at school tomorrow?

[Onthemove1971]

Camos1985-

I know life can be so hard with children who socially don't fit in.

Is she seeing a counselor who can help you deal with these social issues, I wonder it is impacting her ability to realte to kids at school.

Is there a pattern to what she does (like run away?) What I always do is I go over the "procedures" before we enter. I explain if he does this, what will happen, of course you can't predict everything.

Also, just so you know many times kids will brush things off easier than adults will, Not sure where or why she ran away. But you could discuss this with her. Also, is there a friend that she is close with that goes to the same parties? maybe buddy her up with someone.

Hope this helps.. I think it is worse to not allow her to play than try to deal with the behavior at the time.

Take care,

[Hidden in reply to Onthemove1971]

Oh yes, we are working on this in counseling and we totally went over this before we went. I absolutely feel so guilty. I feel like I didn't check in with her like I should have at regular intervals. This is actually the friend that we both felt comfortable with so it is actually the worst case scenario. We will continue to press on. luckily we have counseling twice this week. I just feel like I failed her. But we will continue on in this journey, trying and failing and trying again...

[Onthemove1971 in reply to Hidden]

You are really doing everything you can, so this will pass and people will not focus on it in the future.. you both will move on. What the counselor can help with is what to do next time, maybe don't leave and try to deal with it there... but I am sure the counselor will give you great advice.

Good luck..

[shellyn04 in reply to Hidden]

I AM SOOO SORRY!!! i feel bad for you and her!! my son is 12 and we struggle more now than before because kids get more fickle as they age. can i tell you how many hormones are floatin around in the middle school days?!! ha! they are ALL moody! i try SOO hard to shelter him, but its impossible. i just want him to feel like he fits in everywhere but he doesn't. however, on the bright side. he is has the sweetest heart EVER! he always takes up for the underdog. never picks on someone because their different. i even heard him on fortnite the other day telling some kid that he wasn't in to bashing someone just because they weren't there to defend themself. they DO struggle. but they will connect with certain folks. and i tell him that too. we all click with certain people. and as they age, things change for them. kids are uglier but he is smarter in how to deal with it. sending you guys MANY hugs!!

[Lovinit]

How old is she? Because I was thinking if you got her to open up with about things she’s interested in and maybe she doesn’t know and will need to explore. That’s how I learn. But if let’s say she’s interested in dogs or goats. Idk where you live but if she an animal girl you can sign her up for 4-H. Maybe she likes to swim or she’s into nature, let her experience summer camp.

[Hidden in reply to Lovinit]

Thank you, yes actually we found a "talking about the tough stuff equine program that starts in January. It's limited to 8 girls her age and it incorporates equine therapy. We are both very exited about it! I just hate when she has to go through this trials!

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Oh and she is 11, will be 12 in February. I feel like this is so different than we were their age!

[Lovinit in reply to Hidden]

I rode horses, I started taking riding lessons wen I was 9 every week and my and my parents bought me my horse Pepe when I was 13. He died this last April 2nd. He was 32yrs old

[Hidden in reply to Lovinit]

Oh no! I can't imagine!

[Hidden]

My daughter melted down at one friend’s birthday party for something like four straight years. I am was always embarrassed to leave. She is much better now at this friend’s parties and the friend has never held it against her. Luckily for my daughter, she goes to a different school then the kids at the party so that was never an issue.

Random thought because we are reading it now - has your daughter read “This is not the Abby Show”? It is about a 7th grade 2E girl and does an fantastic job of describing how ADHD impacts her life (especially socially). Might be a way to open up a line of conversation through discussing the book. There is a lot of talk about how she can use her ADHD as a strength.

[Hidden]

I also want to add my daughter has one friend. The rest (including party girl) are more aquaintences. The one BFF is also an ADHD girl so they balance each other well (and drive each other equally batty). We talk a lot with daughter about finding your person and that it is hard, that your person may change often and that one good friend is better than an army of fake friends. It has helped her really rethink her social needs - she also knows she is so much better in small settings, so prefers the one-on-one nature of this friendship.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

So funny, finding your people is the main theme of all of our discussions! in therapy we talk about it all the time. You will find your people, it just might not be right now! My daughter actually does much better with adults, probably because she is an only child and has been around adults her whole life.

[Crunchby]

Hi there. Mine is also just 12, girl and an only. Gad. This is our biggest stresser now. I guess it's always been an issue, but now, its seems worse. Just yesterday, we got a call to pick her up from a party (a rare invite) bc her 'friends' were ignoring her. Ive seen this, up close, and I think its more her not being able to understand the flow of interactions. Its like if its not about her, she is not interested. Cute though, one of the girls who ignored her text her that she was sorry and hoped they could move past it. Anyway, your story reminded me of a star wars party she got invited to in 4th grade. All was ok, until..... Wait for it..... The laser swords came out and they were able 'fight'. Which to my daughter meant hitting the girly girls in the head. Yep, quick exit there. Honestly mom, give yourself some slack. You were enjoying a rare moment of normal, and your daughter was fine. I've started to share my daughter's struggles with the perfect moms, some who actually are ok about it. Most though decide their perfect children can't be around mine.. So it goes. If a parent has never had a first hand experience with an ADHD child, they will not get it, and will be judgey. So f'em mom, your doing great!

[Hidden in reply to Crunchby]

Exactly. Thank you, nice to know others have been on my shoes!