Not invited to cousins party

[Willowbee37]

This isn’t totally ADHD related but I need some insight here.

My 9yr old son is super close with his 7yr old girl cousin. She had a bday party and told me it was going to be an all girl party. I thought that was lame but ok. The day of the party I see pics with her neighbors sons who were there and her coworkers sons. Then I see my other niece was there as well. Naturally I was hurt. I was willing to let it go but didn’t get my niece a bday present. We weren’t at the party and they chose not to do cake and ice cream later or anything. When I confronted her she got defensive and said it was just a friends party, but my other niece was there. She got mad that I didn’t follow up with a gift and her daughter even said she was mad at me. When I told her we didn’t go to your party so I didn’t get a gift her dad absolutely lit me up saying I’m a terrible person for not getting a gift and it’s been a family war.

am I wrong here? It’s been weeks and they are still bringing it up. In my eyes, we weren’t good enough to make the cut for the party then she doesn’t need a gift from us. Side note: money and space wasn’t an issue for the party.

[Willowbee37]

. .

[adoptivemom]

I'm sorry for the family drama. (((Hugs))) I understand. I worry that my son will experience this in his life - he has a hard time keeping friends and I've already heard and experienced some shunning. We don't have family nearby.

If they're so open about discussing it, have you asked them why you weren't invited to the birthday party? Mention that there were other boys and another cousin there. Wait for their answer. Let them know it's hurtful to be left out. Hopefully you can get some answers and have a real conversation with them about it.

I don't know the real reason they didn't invite your son. I'm guessing you're thinking, if he's anything like my son, maybe he wasn't included because of behavior? I hope that's not it, but I definitely have suspected that when my son hasn't been invited to parties.

I've learned lately that this is a lonely life - special needs mommin' aint easy. I just try to help him as much as I can, but I can't make him choose the best options. Unfortunately my son seems to learn best from life teaching him lessons - even the painful ones.

Just know you're not alone! Other moms are out there feeling this with you.

[Uptowngirl12121]

Hi - I'm not a clinician but sounds like a lot of deflection is happening here. I'm sure you don't want to play this game but it seems like they aren't leaving you any choice. An honest answer between adults is needed as to why your son was not invited. You should also give an honest answer about why they won't get a gift (you did it but sounds like they want to shift the blame). How rude and hurtful. Maybe they should apologize to your son for not extending an invitation - does anyone care about HIS feelings?

[2ADHDkids]

I echo all of us who can empathize with you from our own experiences of our children not being invited to parties. You are not in the wrong, and it is especially hurtful that another cousin was invited.

Frankly, a family war over a gift is beyond unbecoming on their part. You're hurt because they excluded your child (and obfuscated it)...that is not the same as your niece getting one less gift. And if your niece is mad at you, it's because of her parents. If her party is anything like the parties my kids attend, the birthday child gets a ridiculous amount of gifts and they don't even remember/care who got them what. We've have many parties where we request no gifts for many reasons (e.g., I don't want more junk around the house; I dislike our culture of consumerism; wouldn't it be great if the experience of the party was the point of birthdays? , etc.).

I have a similar situation with my niece (9). Both of my girls (8 and 11) love playing with her and she seems to also love it. Admittedly, my niece struggles when my girls become dysregulated. My oldest has always struggled with temper tantrums, and I believe my very neurotypical SIL & BIL think it's our bad parenting, even now that we have diagnoses after searching for answers for years. If anything, the diagnoses have resulted in my SIL pulling away rather than showing compassion. I am very open with my niece (and whole family) when my kids externalize their struggles and symptoms; I use it as an opportunity to educate them on their disabilities and explain that we are working on helping them gain the skills to better regulate. Hopefully, it will help her be a more compassionate and understanding person in general.

[Imakecutebabies]

I always send presents to my nieces and nephews regardless of parties, but I would be appalled if I forgot one year and they got MAD at me. Gifts should be appreciated, not expected.

On the other hand, including all family or no family at a party should be expected, not appreciated. They absolutely should be able to you an answer as to why other boys and family were invited and not your son. IMHO

I'm so sorry you have to confront this.

[Mamamichl]

I thought it was common knowledge that the gift is a way to say thank you for the invitation and to celebrate it together. Family or not, if not invited, no gift. you could do it if you wanted, but its not obligatory.