College age ADHD

[Frustratedmom]

My son is going into Sophomore year at college, just barely because he is so close to flunking out.

His first semester of high school was difficult but we got him on a good routine with medication, time management, etc. He got accepted to a good school and I really thought he would be okay. Fast forward to Christmas, academic probation and he ends the year just squeaking through after we appealed to keep him in with promises of changing things.

His sleep habits are a mess and he’s not consistently taking his meds. I’m so frustrated because he has to learn that mommy can’t be there forever to wake him up, give him meds, etc. I am at my wits end!!!!

Does anyone have any experience or words of wisdom they could give me?????

[Onthemove1971]

frustratedmom-

Is he getting services through the disabled student dept.? extra time? quiet testing area? computer for assignments?

But most important is he getting counseling to learn this is his life and he has to deal with it? Mom can't help all the time?

[Frustratedmom in reply to Onthemove1971]

Thank you for the response! Yes, we had an intervention at the end of second semester when we discovered (no thanks to HIPAA because we aren't privy to ANY info) that he was still failing. At that point he qualified for quiet testing areas and ability to record lectures. I'm not sure the school has counseling in that respect but he does work with people in terms of time management skills, etc.

Perfect example of my frustration - he's home working for the summer (until he goes back to school for a summer session in an attempt to raise his GPA before the fall semester) and this morning up and dressed for work. He couldn't find his wallet which had the card he needed to "clock in" so he called out! When I try to discuss it with him, I see the glazed look come over his eyes and I know he has just checked out of any further discussion. FRUSTRATED!!!!!!!!!!

[Onthemove1971 in reply to Frustratedmom]

Yes, what is very important in college is that they guide him to the "right" professors and for him to not take on to much at one time. To be honest he him not be able to handle a lot of school and work.. you guys will need to find the right balance. They could also write a reduced load letter for financial aid if he needs it. They can help in so many ways.

Things like a basket next to the door, the drop basket for his keys and wallet always go there..

He needs you to guide him as a life coach now ( remember not much longer you will be in this role).

[Frustratedmom in reply to Onthemove1971]

I love the basket idea! Do you have any other tips like that? He basically wears his house and car keys on his wrist because he looses them so often. Don't get me wrong, my son is a good kid, very smart and got into a really good school. As soon as we get adjusted, his situation changes (1st high school then college) and we are starting from scratch! It just occurred to me literally this morning, to reach out on the internet for resources and suggestions. Thank you again so much for replying!

[seller]

First of all, I have to say that unless he is taking his meds every day, he will not make it in college. This means he has to "buy" into the idea that he does need the meds and then remember to take them. I assume he's away at college and not home? Perhaps you could consider a local college or jr college for a year or 2? There's no point in paying for him to be away at school if he's not passing. Counseling is of little or no value to kids this age - they just don't have the insight into their behavior. They may nod their heads, but they truly don't care. Even though your son is eligible for services, it does not mean he will use them. Again, he has to want to take advantage of services. Sometimes these ADHD boys just aren't quite ready for all that independence.

[c174]

This is so hard to read, as I can see my son in your son’s place in a few years. My son barely scraped through freshman year at high school. He won’t take meds because in 6th grade he was prescribed a dosage of addrall that was too high and made him zombie like, slowed his growth and appetite. He had no friends. Now he won’t even consider non-stimulants. It is so hard to see these bright kids stumble over and over again, seemingly without the motivation and understanding to make changes. Does anyone have any suggestions for reading about adhd and motivation?

[EJsMom]

When I was a freshman in college I did the same thing. Almost flunked out.

I also had ADHD and ODD.

By my second year I found my way. I was just an average student, mostly C’s. But I graduated and ‘C’s get degrees’. That’s how the saying goes.

Not one employer has ever asked how my grades were in college. Only if I have that piece of paper saying Bachelor of ... in my case psychology.

I hope your son finds his way

Eventually I went back for my nursing degree. And figured out I was smart, and got all A’s. There’s hope!

[Frustratedmom in reply to EJsMom]

EJsMom, thank you so much for replying. Please, please, please give me some tips on what worked for you in college. Did you have any sleep issues? Problems with organization or constantly losing things? Any advice is greatly appreciated. And yes, I would be tickled pink with C's!!!

[EJsMom in reply to Frustratedmom]

There were two things I did. I had a pocket calendar that I carried around to every class; I would write down assignments and tests, esp due dates.

I also made a lot of lists at home.

Like each week a list of what to get done.

It wasn’t perfect and I struggled but it did help. Breaking it down into smaller pieces also helped. Like for a big project, I could do research one day; rough draft one day; rewrite the next day etc..

I had to include study times too. And I would study just an hour at a time, whatever was the most important or pressing at the moment. Sometimes I studied one hour in the morning and one hour in the evening. If I could handle more, then I did more.

That’s what I remember

Oh yeah, one other thing, and it’s probably the most important: go to every class! That was huge, just being there, you absorb knowledge during the lecture.

[Frustratedmom in reply to EJsMom]

Excellent advice! I will be sure to share your post with my son!! Thanks.

[seller in reply to Frustratedmom]

EJsMom: don't give up, but I can tell that boys are definitely slower to mature than girls....and sleep issues are a constant problem for most ADHD kids. It can be the medication (that's what my son thinks) but it can also be the inconsistent sleep schedule that kids this age have. And there is research that says ADHD kids just have problems with sleep. It's hard to give tips for college because we aren't giving HIM tips - we are giving YOU tips....and you aren't there!! He has to WANT to take the tips - this is the most frustrating part of older kids with ADHD - they often do not see the need to get themselves organized, go to class, and take their meds. And please make sure he isn't sharing his ADHD meds with his friends.....sometimes this happens.

[Frustratedmom in reply to seller]

Lol, you are right, you can lead a horse to water.... Fortunately I think it was him coming precariously close to totally flunking out that finally shook him up a bit. Not only did we have an intervention at school, we had to appeal to the Dean to allow him to stay in school because his grade point average was too low and he lost financial aid. We also had to put in an appeal for that as well. I am seriously going to share these posts with him especially EJsMom, she lived it! Maybe him knowing there is a whole community battling this as well, he won't feel so isolated.

[Frustratedmom in reply to seller]

Seller, I just saw your response to another mom dealing with a blended family and ADHD and smelly, disgusting boys and WOW, your response hit a cord. My son is exactly how you described. His room is DISGUSTING, his bathroom is WORSE! So basically this is part of ADHD? And potentially, this is something that will change when he is ready? My fiance keeps telling me when it's something that my son really wants or really likes, he has the ability to get it done. My policy in the past with his room was to just shut the door, however, this past weekend revealed a ROACH crawling out of this dirty clothes! I was disgusted and so was he. I'm hoping this revelation with give him motivation to clean up his room. I told him I would help so it wasn't so overwhelming. You seemed to have made it through this difficult stage. Any other tips, words of advice, ANYTHING is greatly appreciated!!!!

[seller in reply to Frustratedmom]

I have to say that there is really nothing you can do at this point to make him WANT to have a neat, clean room. I have no idea how these boys can stand living like this, but my son is still a big pig. Here are my suggestions: resign yourself to the fact that you will have to clean (or help him clean) his room for the next few years! Otherwise, it just won't be done. Remove any extraneous junk and remove all extra clothes.....I say these boys are like toddlers - you can't give them too much stuff at one time because they can't keep it organized! Give him a hamper for dirty clothes and be sure and check for food and dirty dishes everyday. Let him know that as long as his room is a mess, you will be in there all the time! My son lives in his own small apt and the biggest reason is that I can't stand the mess in my house! He also had a roach issue earlier this summer and my husband now checks the apt weekly. I think even my son was disgusted by this and has made an effort to at least keep the trash taken out and food removed! The thing to remember is that they really aren't pigs just to make us frustrated....I really don't think they like it but boys are generally messy and ADHD boys are so disorganized, they simply can't keep things organized. It's probably takes all their concentration to shower and dress and get out the door! Don't get me started on the whole showering, teeth-brushing issues....!!

[Frustratedmom in reply to seller]

Thanks! It helps to know that I’m not alone in this incredibly frustrating often overwhelming journey.

[anirush]

My daughter didn't want any special services in college that she could qualify for. She dropped classes so many times and dropped in and out so that by the time she matured and got serious she had to be on academic probation for a year too office herself.

Her first semester she took her meds regularly and did all but the next two years were a mess

[Frustratedmom in reply to anirush]

So basically it's a maturity thing? I can definitely see that and although my son has matured some in his freshman year, he has a long way to go. Do you remember anything that helped your daughter get through college? And yes, although my son qualified for the special services, I don't think he used any of them

[Pennywink]

I haven’t tried this yet to officially endorse it, but I recently read about the Barcode Alarm app - basically you set an alarm, and it will only go off if you scan a preset barcode (such as on a prescription.) I saw reddit thread of someone using this with their ADHD medication bottle, which they kept in a different room. So it got them up & reminded them to take their medicine.

lifehacker.com/barcode-alar...

[Frustratedmom]

I LOVE IT, gonna download it today. Thank you!

[anirush]

Freshman year she went away to college and actually had a boyfriend who helped her remember to take her meds. She moved back their home and was in and out of community colleges for the next couple of years.

She got into a bad crowd for a year which delayed things even further. So it was mid-to-late twenties before she decided to finally get serious and had to dig herself out of a hole.

She's in her mid-thirties now and has a good job with an insurance company. She still has major anxiety issues but refuses to take meds for it

[Onthemove1971]

I really recommend you have him meet with the coordinator the school on a regular basis who can assist him with services. There are many things that can be done for him depending on the college ( if they have professional notetakers, he can get copies of the leactures). He should schedule classes during a time if day that is best for him. So if he doesn't sleep well don't have him take early AM classes.

There is also a watch that is used to set ro take medication, for people with ADHD. He could try setting that for when he needs to take it.

When I started any new class I would get the syllabus, I would write each assignment, test, and then even write the reading assignment in my calendar so I was ready. When I had to arrange a test 2 weeks in advance I put that in my calendar in the beginning of the semester.

Another suggestion is to get into a study group so he is not trying to do this on his own, this helped me a lot. Best of luck, please tell him to take it slow not to many classes at a time.

Good luck!