ADHD w defiance

[Kara_]

I need advice on how to discipline my 15 year old son who is very defiant and twlls me he hates me when asked a simple chore like cleaning his room

[ScatteredMom]

First, that kind of behavior is unacceptable. But see it from his point of view: For a teen or even an adult with ADHD, cleaning the room is NOT a simple chore. It's got all kinds of steps, it requires a lot of decision-making, and it's super stressful.

Does he know how to clean his room? I'm asking in all seriousness. It might help to write down a set of basic steps, and maybe have a designated spot to put items he doesn't know what to do with.

Let me try to explain what it's like to have ADHD. Let's say some stuff needs to be sorted and packed into boxes and the boxes carried upstairs. Most people without ADHD think that the sorting is the easier job, but the ADHD person (assuming they are able-bodied) will pick the box-carrying every time, because the physical labor of moving boxes is LESS demanding than the mental labor of sorting and arranging.

People think I love doing the dishes, because I'm the first to volunteer after dinner. In fact, I'm just terrified that if I'm not busy doing the dishes, someone will ask me to pack up the leftovers, which is a chore I despise!

Does he have to clean up his room? Yes. But he might need a bit of guidance, and it is a big deal for him, he might not be able to do it and do a lot of homework on the same day.

[anirush]

Sometimes when they're teenagers you have to pick your battles. My grown daughters had horribly messy rooms when they were teens. As long as there wasn't food in there I would just close the door. One of them now is a fanatically clean housekeeper.

I guess people have to decide what they can deal with but to me a clean room was not as important as doing homework and being respectful.

[Marebear129]

He doesn’t hate you. Teens tend to take out their anger with the people they feel the safest with. He may be stressed with school(academic and social). THe may be craving some positive attention if all he gets is negative. Go do something special with him so you can talk to him one on one. Don’t be afraid to take electronics away. Give a warning, if you don’t clean your room up a bit, I will take your phone... and then follow through. Start with taking it away for a few hours at a time. He gets it back when the room is cleaned. If he refuses to hand it over, you can temporarily disable it from you cell phone company. Kids need rules, structure, and love!