Seems like everything has DRASTICALLY change from a day to another...

[Natagonza]

Hello anyone who reads this!

I’m warning you from the beginning that my first language isn’t English so I will probably make many mistakes in my sentences. Sorry in advance.

I have no date to start this.... since I’m not sure when everything has changed.

I used to be so focus on my goals and what I wanted in life. At least, I had my one goal which was all about my passion that is gymnastics. I’ve been coaching for 10 years and also judging. Everything I have been doing is around sports also Zumba teacher. I ask danced ballet to maintain a good shape and tried many other things like boot camp. And now I’m sticking with Yoga. I’m loving it.

I think that things have been going down the road since I quit the job where I spent 7 years working for. It was a gymnastics club. Where I quit because of some conflict starting between an other girl who was a really close friend for almost 3 years. We were always hanging out together, we vision ourself has coaches and we were proud of it. We could spend hours talking about gymnastics and make plans. Our friendship was not perfect of course but we were at least bounding on so many points. I won’t hide to y’all a few years ago I was a bad bitch. For me, the most important was, my gymnastics career. Who I was as a coach, as a girl, as a personality.

I will say that without this I don’t know who I am anymore. And I’m scared.

I don’t understand what’s going on with me.

From that job, I moved to another gym. Spent a few months. Move to another gym. Didn’t work neither. And the last place I was I had to quit my self cause I wasn’t feeling good. I took the easy way. I felt tired. Overwhelmed. With all the new and all my past haunting me. I felt really always just so bad, so guilty, not good enough. Just weak. And not anchored. All over the place with so many thoughts and that’s the scariest part right now.

It’s my thoughts.

It’s like I can’t stop thinking weird and stupid things. Like

#1 I’m going to be sick like thyroid issues. I went to the doctor and they found nothing abnormal.

#2 I thought I loved a girl which I have never seen since I thought I loved her which doesnt make sense neither.

#3 I feel like I disgust everyone around me. Like people can’t look at me they seem to be so disgust.

So I’m always around people coughing. Like they past next to me and they cough. Or sometimes even spit.

A lot also of person that are talking to themself loudly or not sain persons around me. What I mean by around me is places like the METRO (subway).

Also, I’ve had thoughts like my mom was going crazy. That she’s having dementia. And before that, I started to think that my dad was going to die.

I have difficulties to maintain conversations. Which is also a lie since I’m not a person who talks a lot. So I have difficulties listening properly to someone speaking to me cause I’m only focus on the other things happening around and so focus on if she’s going to say something that confirms that I could possibly be sick or that I am fat or that I’m ugly or that I smell. Cause I forgot to mention that I have zero self esteem. Or at least that’s a conclusion I came with.

I haven’t buy a pant for a long period so I know I have gain weight but I don’t even know like if I’m fat or skinny. I just started to train again. So I’m taking more care of my self even if I’m vegan.

Anyways, I have a strong relationship with my sister. She’s older than me. She has 33 years (and I’m 27). We’ve been leaving together for 5 years. And I’m realizing that I got really dependent to her. I want to be like her a lot. In a way that I think I could just sit at home watching her do her stuff and go with her everywhere.

But that’s no real life. You can’t be on someone’s shoulders without having your own goals and dreams and stability. Like everyone needs self love so they can give and receive and be balance. Anyways, spiritually path has fuc* me up hard. It’s mixing my brain. My thoughts. My values.

I don’t know who I am anymore.

I barely like to go out.

I have no job.

And I’m codependent of my sisters and family.

I want a strong personality back. I want to be happy with who I am now. I wanna let go of the past. I want to connect with people around me. I want to participate in life. I want to create my life.

Well, that’s it.

If you read this...thanks

[Natsteveo]

Hi natagonza

Welcome to our friendly community it's a pleasure to have you join us...

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this I used to do gymnastics as a young child and I loved it that was a very long time ago now though

Wow coaching and judging for 10 years what a fabulous career you had no wonder you loved it so much

It's very sad that you felt you had to leave because of someone you were a friend to can't you go back into it don't let someone pull you down like that and make you quit after working so hard to get where you are but I understand where you are coming from....

Believe me when I say you do cope better over time what seems so low and makes you anxious will subside and you will live your life again...it's lovely you have the support from your sisters because you need family around you when your tryi g to cope...

You tackled what you wanted in life once before you found your strength go find it again you can and you will ...

All I can say is hang in there you are not alone someone somewhere knows what your going through and you will be able to talk to anyone on here about it...you will get some vetmry good advice while on this forum stay strong and keep positive

Nat

[pugwash80 Supporter]

Hi

May I first say that your English is beauitful.

I can relate to wanting purpose in life, goals and indecent. I suffer from depression anxiety and fibromyalgia.

If found at the moment for me that journaling , doing self care things and self development things on Pinterest is helping. It's making me more focused on goals but still taking things on day at a time.

Also dividing the day up so you're less overwhelmed. Depending on how you are. Maybe every hour. Set something to do even if it's leisure then after the hour if you manage congatrate yourself, if you didn't see what you can learn from it then move on to the next hour. If you're coping a bit more morning afternoon and evening.

I'm not a professional these are just things I've found helpful.

Good luck.