That’s the question I constantly ask myself, I’m 20 years old , I come from a African family where things like anxiety, depression , mental illness is a “tabu” . I have been depressed since I was 17, I became empty, distant, unhappy and very confused. I started to have suicidal thoughts because I didn’t know who to talk to about this feelings, I was afraid nobody would understand, would think I’m crazy or psycho... I’m 20 now I’m still empty , confused and unhappy, I never show it though, I’m very good at pretending everything is alright . But when I’m by myself I overthink everything and it’s always dark thoughts, my insecurities, everything. I hate myself, I hate the fact that I can’t feel normal like other people.... I just want to be happy and normal !!! I don’t really know how it feels to be happy without faking it. I also have been to Church and I always pray... still the inner peace , the confidence, the happiness does not last. I just wish I could talk to my family about it but since they won’t understand, I just ignore it, and pretend I don’t feel anything... this is also affecting my relationships, when I’m dating someone, some days I’m very happy other days I just ignore them and act like don’t know them, then I break up.