I really need help. I am in pain. The whole story below is going to sound trivial. The triggers are going to sound trivial, but my mental and emotional responses are not. I am in pain and need help to find a way out. Please, please, please read, and please help me.
I am 45 now and live alone. What's more, I can acknowledge now that I am officially lonely and desperate and feel depressed. I feel useless and not needed by anyone. I just exist and it seems to be convenient for others as they don't have to deal with my absence.
I have an adult daughter who's 28 (I'm a teenage Mum) and who's lived on her own for a for a while now and has lived with her boyfriend for about 3 years.
When she was a teenager I had been diagnosed with depression about 10 years ago and I went into therapy (abroad). I had a combo of anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds and CBT. And it worked. For ages it worked. I got off meds within a year and CBT techniques worked.
My initial trigger was an unhappy short term relationship that came after a longer more damaging, emotionally abusive relationship, that had uncovered all sorts of other hidden issues. Since then, I had a relationship with a really stable guy, which ended after three years and we had remained best friends since.
For the past seven years I had not been even remotely interested in anyone until last December. Can't say I had been lonely (although since spending last Christmas completely alone, something started bothering me), but I think I was ready at the time to meet someone, and I'm not sure if he walked in my readiness, or I found something that had initially attracted me.
That's when I think my new bout of depression and anxiety have started again. It is not a relationship in any conventional sense of the word - nothing physical is going on, but it's emotionally draining and he's keeping me on the verge and in the dark and I feel like I'm on a leash and spinning out of control. Can't help but answer his calls and suffer in silence (because I had to learn otherwise) when he doesn't.
We don't live in the same city, not even in the same country, I do know him, I had met him before falling in love (so not an online infatuation), and we're six hours time difference apart (work related). We come from the same background, but have different life experiences. From what I gathered he has all sorts of issues and in any rational state of mind I would not be this drawn to him and affected by him, but that's beside the point.
The point is, I am in pain and I need help getting out of this vicious circle. I can't bear it anymore. I feel emotionally abused and victimised, and I'm not the sort of person (or I hadn't been). I feel like a doormat. I can't sleep. I hadn't slept for more than 4 hours for solid three weeks. If it's relevant for my background, I am a woman with a Uni degree, a career, relatively high managerial position in a good company, so no issues there. We're on the same level in those terms. But he did say 'men can feel intimidated by me' and had body/age shamed me on more than several occasions. Yet on others he'd sound like he felt remorse and even love. I can't bear mixed messages, and although I said so and asked him to come clean about what he felt for me (which I thought he did and I (and everyone of my friends I asked) thought was love, he still is not committing.
Again, I know he's not the point. The point is I REALLY DON'T FEEL WELL and am crying all the time and am not sleeping well and am consequently anxious and paranoid and my work suffers... I need tools to get out of this. I need to break this cycle and out myself of what I believe is a really bad situation, but I have no coping mechanisms. And I'm in desperate need of them. Because I am really desperate.
I know how trivial this may sound to someone with real life problems, but please, please, please try to acknowledge that it is not the source alone that is the problem, it's me and my reactions and I really don't know how much longer I'll be able to cope. I really need to talk to someone. I am in pain. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I had forgotten all of the coping techniques I was taught 10 years ago, and even if I hadn't this situation is completely different, I am a different person, and the pain is just too strong.