Above & Beyond
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help now,please

I really need help. I am in pain. The whole story below is going to sound trivial. The triggers are going to sound trivial, but my mental and emotional responses are not. I am in pain and need help to find a way out. Please, please, please read, and please help me.

I am 45 now and live alone. What's more, I can acknowledge now that I am officially lonely and desperate and feel depressed. I feel useless and not needed by anyone. I just exist and it seems to be convenient for others as they don't have to deal with my absence.

I have an adult daughter who's 28 (I'm a teenage Mum) and who's lived on her own for a for a while now and has lived with her boyfriend for about 3 years.

When she was a teenager I had been diagnosed with depression about 10 years ago and I went into therapy (abroad). I had a combo of anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds and CBT. And it worked. For ages it worked. I got off meds within a year and CBT techniques worked.

My initial trigger was an unhappy short term relationship that came after a longer more damaging, emotionally abusive relationship, that had uncovered all sorts of other hidden issues. Since then, I had a relationship with a really stable guy, which ended after three years and we had remained best friends since.

For the past seven years I had not been even remotely interested in anyone until last December. Can't say I had been lonely (although since spending last Christmas completely alone, something started bothering me), but I think I was ready at the time to meet someone, and I'm not sure if he walked in my readiness, or I found something that had initially attracted me.

That's when I think my new bout of depression and anxiety have started again. It is not a relationship in any conventional sense of the word - nothing physical is going on, but it's emotionally draining and he's keeping me on the verge and in the dark and I feel like I'm on a leash and spinning out of control. Can't help but answer his calls and suffer in silence (because I had to learn otherwise) when he doesn't.

We don't live in the same city, not even in the same country, I do know him, I had met him before falling in love (so not an online infatuation), and we're six hours time difference apart (work related). We come from the same background, but have different life experiences. From what I gathered he has all sorts of issues and in any rational state of mind I would not be this drawn to him and affected by him, but that's beside the point.

The point is, I am in pain and I need help getting out of this vicious circle. I can't bear it anymore. I feel emotionally abused and victimised, and I'm not the sort of person (or I hadn't been). I feel like a doormat. I can't sleep. I hadn't slept for more than 4 hours for solid three weeks. If it's relevant for my background, I am a woman with a Uni degree, a career, relatively high managerial position in a good company, so no issues there. We're on the same level in those terms. But he did say 'men can feel intimidated by me' and had body/age shamed me on more than several occasions. Yet on others he'd sound like he felt remorse and even love. I can't bear mixed messages, and although I said so and asked him to come clean about what he felt for me (which I thought he did and I (and everyone of my friends I asked) thought was love, he still is not committing.

Again, I know he's not the point. The point is I REALLY DON'T FEEL WELL and am crying all the time and am not sleeping well and am consequently anxious and paranoid and my work suffers... I need tools to get out of this. I need to break this cycle and out myself of what I believe is a really bad situation, but I have no coping mechanisms. And I'm in desperate need of them. Because I am really desperate.

I know how trivial this may sound to someone with real life problems, but please, please, please try to acknowledge that it is not the source alone that is the problem, it's me and my reactions and I really don't know how much longer I'll be able to cope. I really need to talk to someone. I am in pain. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I had forgotten all of the coping techniques I was taught 10 years ago, and even if I hadn't this situation is completely different, I am a different person, and the pain is just too strong.

2 Replies

Hi Martha ,

I was jolly typing away for 50 minutes in reply to your problem and the bloody computer shut down .and my message to you was erased ! So here we go again !

First I feel very strongly for you because I have had the same kind of very painful , soul destroying horrible experiences and I know how crushing this can be . Like you I lve on my own , feel very lonely, isolated, useless , depressd and invisible . I might jus as well not exist . Nobody would notice or care . At least you have got a good job, friends and financial independence and you future . Forget about age . You are as young as you feel . Too bad if people/men judge you only according to appearances like age and body . We all get older as years go by and it is nothing to be ashamed of and your boyfriend shouldn't ridicule you because of your age or physical appearnces . Men can be very insensitive / callous . They also have a tendency to blow hot and cold (hence mixed messages!) because they are immature or insecure or just want to have their cake and eat it .

No your problem/ horrible heartache is not trivial . Like me you are too sensitive, sentimental and vulnerable . As a private person you are ruled by your heart , not your brain . As a professional woman you are confident , assertive, bright and lucid . and reasonable .

We all crave attention, affection , love and companionship especially if you have been deprived for a long time . It' only human and natural . Often we poor women come across as (too) needy, clinging and demanding because we want certainty and security /stability n our life . It seems like countless women (including me) you have fallen for the myth of Prince Charming . Unfortunately he only exists in happy fairy tales ! and most of us have been unconsciously brainwashed !

I can only hope and pray that all this will soon pass and you will be back to your usual normal life . I too have fallen in love with people who have used and abused me , or cruelly ignored me or conned me , or suddenly dumped me .. It HURTS like hell ! Thank God nothing lasts for ever, whether good or bad things . True it sems an eternity wen you are deeply depressed and your little world have spectacularly crashed out of the blue .

I too used to cry a lot over failed or non existent relationships , even felt suicidal . I understand the knd of torture you are going through and how empty you feel (not t mention how silly) . Please stop putting yourself down adding to your present torment . Don't blame yourself either . Nobody is perfect . A lot of people just fake happiness and are too shy or ashamed to adamit the truth . Nothing is certain for ever in life .

I am still looking for the man of my dreams ( I am a bit older tan you and none the wiser for all my romantic fiascos ! ) We all have dreams and we all live in hope .

Please try and get more proper sleep and food or ou wll become seriously ill . Your menta health & well being depends on your physica health and diet . Please try to tae more care of you . Take a break or holiday . See doctor ugently if needs be . You badly need to get away from everything and everyone, to recharge your batteries .

If you wish to continue discussion privately feel fee to send me a private message through the Action on Depression / HU website . My nam is Cecilia 13 (see profile)

We allcare about you on this HU site . Please don't lose hope . Bestrong lke you are wen at work ! BIG BIG HUG !! Hope to hear from you soon . If not good luck ! Remember we are all in the same boat !

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I am sorry I can't be of help to you , or advise you where to get help . All I can say is what you have written does make sense , its not drivel , and it is good that you are reaching out and asking for help . I do hope you find help .

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