There’s always something going on in my head, when given those tasks that involve clearing my mind of all thought there’s still some thought going around. Unfortunately Tourette’s being Tourette’s those thoughts are often unpleasant and upsetting, but I’ll tell you more about my particular worry when I’ve explained how I got there.
Rewind to yesterday afternoon and I’m sitting in the hairdresser’s and beauty therapist’s training academy, after a long (far too long) time living off benefits you learn how to save the pennies. Whilst the student is dabbing my roots with bleach I’m reading an edition of “Grazia” magazine from last autumn, it’s not something I’m normally read, most of the so-called-celebs getting a critique from fashion experts I’ve never heard of. I come across one article about a banker, oh, poor woe-is-me, she’d like us to feel sorry for us because the banking crisis wasn’t their fault (well, err, it wasn’t mine either) and how she deserves 4 foreign holidays a year, a £55,000 salary plus a £35,000 bonus, boo hoo, my heart bleeds, I feel so stricken by this poor woman’s distress I can’t read any further. I come across another vomit inducing article, about some 30-something woman, a perfect job, house, hubby and how she was happier before she had children. Didn’t she realize her life would drastically change after having a baby; all the woman does is complain about having to take her baby out with her when she meets friends for lunch, no more boozy lunches with her hubby etc..Etc...I’ve she’d like to swap lives I’d gladly volunteer, I’d happily spend my day with the cute toddlers and curl up on the sofa with her fit hubby after the children’s bedtime. She can get her head round filling in my DLA form and she can plop as many pills as me and get the “stupids”. She can tic all day and incur the stares from strangers. Really some people don’t know they’re born and need a sharp kick up the backside, maybe “Grazia” should devote some space to somebody else, rather than some inward looking person whose managed to tick all the boxes that are on a lot of people’s to do list (well mine anyway) and probably might not happen.
This leads me onto my scary thought; currently I take a cocktail of “crazy meds” Venlaflaxine, Flupentixol and Carbarmazipine. Now the last of those Carbarmazipine if taken during pregnancy can cause birth defects, a few other similar meds that are used as mood stabilizers and for epilepsy can cause these problems; they can cause “neural-tube defects” which can be spina bifida or other severe defects affecting the brain. One woman in the USA with bi-polar said “My shrink actually says that he considers it malpractice to prescribe Depakote to women of child-bearing age.” Depakote is quite similar to Carbarmazipine, Carbarmazipine also interferes with the contraceptive pill, I’ve been taking Carbarmazipine for quite a while now and I have since started it NEVER had a period arrive on time, always about a week to 2 weeks early, even without the pill I was perfectly in sync. Also Carbarmazipine can affect the results of a regular shop-bought pregnancy test, so there-fore by the time you’ve realized that you may be pregnant and managed to get to see your GP the damage to your baby could already be done. Here’s where my brain is going into overdrive, is that being brought up Catholic some of those values are still imprinted into my moral outlook, one of those is that I would dread to be put into a situation where I am faced with the decision of ending my baby’s life without giving it a chance or having a pregnancy where my baby dies due to the deformities it’s had at birth. The picture of a baby born with these problems is stuck in my mind; you could quite easily dress them up in a burial gown but not a matching bonnet.
These thoughts have of course been bothering me in a ticcy kind of way, so I spoke to my village pharmacist, I had to pick up my supply of meds anyway so I put my concerns to him, he said I should take folic acid, he told me his wife took folic acid even before the decided to have a baby, just in case. The thing is for me, I seem to repel men, if you know why please let me know so the likelihood of me having sex is slim, the likelihood of me getting pregnant is even slimmer, so really I shouldn’t worry about this too much, but I am, and it’s going around and around like some mad, nightmarish merry-go-round that I can’t get off, so please just put me out of my misery and shoot me now.