The Hissing Of Summer Lawns

The Hissing Of Summer Lawns

I have an almost pathological fear of one of the most disgusting substances known to womankind, it’s quite irrational and at the moment it’s made me take a new route to the village shop to try and avoid this substance, this almost fear has also rendered me unable to get off my ever-increasing backside and go for a run. I put my hand up – I have this thing about dog poo, some might call it an obsession. With workmen digging up parts of the village that I live in and leaving clods of mud around this messing with my head somewhat, what is dog poo? What is mud? It’s just too much; a detour needs to be made to avoid the risk of stepping in the mud or poo. I was walking home from the village shop a few days ago ( pre-Severn Trent Water workmen) innocently walking my wavy way home avoiding the dog poo and any spots that may have had previously had poo on when a man (with a dog) shouts over to me “you’re supposed to walk trough it!” To me stepping in the poo feels like it could be the worst thing that could happen to me, or even the poo entering my home on someone else’s foot. If this awful event were to happen the shoes would be binned, floors would be scrubbed, carpets shampooed, crisis team called. Then I would still worry that there would be poo residue on the lino or carpet.

I was discussing with my brother and his wife over the weekend about perhaps getting a Wii, a way to get fit without having to come into contact with the dreaded dog poo, as I’m now approaching 10 stone, the heaviest I’ve ever been something needs to be done. My brother suggested running, “but there’s dog poo in them fields” (mock Yorkshire accent) “just watch where you run” he suggests. ”The fields are full of poo.” “Well stick to the pavements.” “They’re full of poo too!” “You need to see someone!” I agree, this is a problem, if this is stopping me from getting myself fit, it’s a problem.

I don’t have a dog myself (what a surprise!) but I do have a cat and about a week ago I swiftly dealt with poo that had escaped from her litter tray, easy, scooped up with an anti-bacterial wipe and flushed down the loo, floor bleached, simples. However if it was a dog poo, time to move house methinks.

Back to the conversation with my brother and his wife, she says to me – “what would you do if you had a baby?” “Simple, train them to walk on stilts to avoid the poo!”

5 Replies

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  • I defintely LOL at that last line Catherine but what a bloody nightmare because the mud treally dooes look like dog turd, especially when you're moving faster than normal

    However, have you thought that in the same way that my ADD has made me untrelibale in the past and my hyperactivity has always resulted in my running up and down stairs, steps, escalators etc for years I've dashing hell-for-leather, late for trains and boats and planes and busess and classes and work and appointments and courases - just about everything and here I am now, 60yo on May 6th and fitter than most 30yo's

    So, by some bizarre logic, adding the concentration and variation to your running by dodging what look like doog poo you would be event fitter and trimmer than you would otherwise have been without the dogpoophobia

    Just a thought x

  • And here was me all excited because you were going to talk about summer lawns and lazy days and ice-cold beers

    Siily me eh

  • Here's a little thing for you to do....most of my blog posts have song titles as their title, see if you know who recorded those songs?

  • Ah, I couldn't find one sigle one - unless there's a song about dog poo I haven't heard about

    There's a line that to me sounds like your stereotypical fast 12-bar blues riff::

    "as I was walking home from ther village shop the other day" da-dah-da-da

    "I met a man and he did say da-dah-da-da

    "I can smell your feet a mile away, mile away, mile away, mile away, oh a mile awaaay""

  • Joni Mitchell - title track from "Hissing of Summer Lawns" my favourite Joni album.