“Teenage angst has paid off well
Now I’m bored and old”
Indeed, I wish there was a lottery where you could win my lifestyle. Here I am, spending the evening doing the same as I would have done when I was 16, alone, depressed and listening to Nirvana and The Pixies. Now I have a bit more to worry about than my A-level art homework or if I have enough money to go out at the weekend, I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. Everything just seems so meaningless today, I can’t focus, I can’t read a whole sentence, halfway through it just bores me, I can’t concentrate, I can’t remember. I did manage to get to Nuneaton today, I dragged my sorry backside out of bed and stared at the TV for a while until the postman came, amongst the post was a card from my psychiatrist inviting me for an appointment this afternoon, and I managed to get the bus about an hour later and arrived just in time. My psychiatrist tries, he’s actually a really nice man, if I was Asian like him I would probably call him uncle ( a lot of Indian/Pakistani people call older men “uncle” as a mark of respect, last Friday whilst having lunch with my friend, the guy in the café where we ate called my friend “brother”) but today I’m feeling as though nobody really knows what I’m going through, they could have a guess at how it feels to be me physically but mentally no, no chance. The last few days I’ve woken up with the endometriosis pain from hell, making me also feel sick and dizzy I should go to my GP, but I feel as I’ve already seen a hospital gynaecologist who gave me the diagnosis and several choices of control (yep, that’s control rather than treatment, treatment for endo is for those who feel their family is complete) I’ll just be prodded in the stomach and offered more painkillers. My neck and shoulders are in agony, but again, what’s new, what is new is what’s going on, on the right side of my head, a headache on the right of my skull, mouth ulcers, pain when chewing (on the right) right peed off. I should really go to my GP again, but I do feel like a right whinging, whiney hypochondriac and that there are people who are properly ill. I have had a lecture from one GP telling me that a brain scan of a person with depression would be different to that of a brain scan of a person who isn’t depressed, and that depression is a proper illness. However there is another GP who just dishes out citilapram like sweeties. My psychiatrist has prescribed me some sleeping pills, he says that being able to sleep properly should make me feel a it better, no waking up early, no waking in the night and being able to drop off to sleep easily, Last night I wasn’t able to sleep until 3am, I woke again at 6am. I’m not too enamoured with the idea of sleeping pills, they sound a bit scary particularly with the other meds that I take. Since starting the carbamazipine something weird has been going on, like most contraceptive pills mine you take one a day for 21 days and then have 7 days off, during those 7 days you have a period. That’s normality, since starting the carbamazapine I’ve been having a period about 4 days before the 21 days is up – weird…???!! That’s why I’m feeling as though nobody gets it, all this stuff I feel is interlinked yet I’m being treated as though these parts of me aren’t linked, I don’t know which part of me I would want cut off or out, my head or my uterus and ovaries. I’m losing my stupid mind.