recovering-exausted-frustrated

[nomorefrog]

I have been a bulimic for 18 years now and im 31. I have been to treatment twice, first time wast ready, 2nd I was. I am normal size, I don't count calories, I actually eat pretty healthy just out of newish habit. I have always had this thing (flubber) on my tummy that didnt match the rest of me, like i had lost alot of weight or had a baby-which I haven't done either. I have dreampt of a tummy tuck my whole life. I thought that if my "flubber" was gone I would finally be free from ED. I finally went threw with it and chopped "flubber"off hoping and praying that my insanity would stop. Well, it hasnt. Its not about the scale, its not about the calories, and well to my new found knowledge its not about what I look like either. I am floored and pissed and frustrated. My last rehab was 2 years ago to this month. I held strong for about a year and a half and then fell on my face. I hid it bc of embarrassment and then gave in and was honest bc that was the only way in my head that I would every stop. Im incredible at hiding it after 18 years. My point to this is I felt like i had gone long enough to where I was free and not only that chopped off "flubber" as a reassurance of freedom. Today i have cried screamed stared at myself and wanted to reach out but at the same time not bc of fear of being a disappointment. There she goes again, seriously...... So I went to my friend google and this is where I ended up. I know there is no magic pill to make this monster disappear, but please I beg, any suggestions of distractions or thoughts would be forever gratefully listened to.

[Chantalmarie1988]

Hi I too suffer from bulimia. Have you tried any support groups ? Have you seen a doctor lately to explain your situation ? Taking any medications ? I’d be careful with researching on the web because it can be a dangerous place especially social media.Try to focus on activities that you enjoy to distract yourself. Do you live alone? I find it’s easy not to eat junk when I’m home alone because I don’t have any access to it. Try to meal prep your food before hand. So you have food ready to go to work and school without having to stop at some fast food place. Hope this helps !

[crazycrossstitcher]

Recovery and maintaining recovery are really tough - look at Alcoholics - it takes them years of treatment - and most avoid alcohol for the rest of their lives. With EDs I think its harder - you can't avoid food! Firstly don't beat yourself up - its not failing to slip backwards - its failing if you don't recognise you've slipped and still need help and support - so do go back to ask for help - especially counselling to help you with the thoughts/feelings that are still around for you. Have you rung ABC - their befrienders are amazing and I found them really helpful. Don't give up - don't let the bulimia win.

[Brindle-01]

Hi I am not bulimic but I sometimes throw up. I understand the guilt and shame. I am just starting CBT. I have been in therapy before and kidded myself on that this was the last time.I think that you have to have the mind set that you don't want to be ill or have it as a crutch anymore.I understand this as I have gone back time and time again for 26years. I can only hope that this time it will be different. However it is also important to be kind to yourself and not expect too much of yourself. I am assured by the "experts " that complete recovery after so long is totally achievable. You sound as if your self esteem could do with a boost perhaps psychology is the way to go ? Sorry if I seemed blunt it's just me unfortunately. All the best xxxx

[lillyofthevalley37]

Some people with anorexia have a sort of voice telling them to not eat others have very strong compulsions - how are you driven to do what you do ? Just want to get an idea of how you are affected

[beautyoutofashes54]

Oh, how I understand. I have had my eating disorder since I was twelve and I am fifty-four as of today. It has been a battle. For me the ED is a thorn in my flesh, it keeps me going toward the one thing that can get me through. It is not easy and after years and years of counseling, I have learned that it is with me always. I do however have the choice as to how much power it is going to have over me. I have been going to counseling since 1986. I sometimes go weekly other times monthly, but an eating disorder when it goes on for years becomes more than just losing weight or looking a particular way. It messes with your chemical balance and causes other things. I have found when I manage the stress and anxiousness in my life I do better. Everyone has their story, but the more you share it the less power it has. Don’t beat yourself up. Look at all the great things you do. I have hobbies, I take classes and write, I speak to others about my life and all that helps in not giving my Ed power. I turned to my faith which has been a lifeline for me. Do you have that at all? Many prayers beautyoutofashes54

[beautyoutofashes54]

Anorexia Bulimia Care: Oh, how I understand. I have had my eating disorder since I was twelve and I am fifty-four as of today. It has been a battle. For me the ED is a torn in my flesh, it keeps me going toward the one thing that can get me through. It is not easy and after years and years of counseling I have learned that it is with me always. I do however have the choice as to how much power it is going to have over me. I have been going to counseling since 1986. I sometimes go weekly other times monthly, but an eating disorder when it goes on for years becomes more than just losing weight or looking a particular way. It messes with your chemical balance and causes other things. I have found when I manage the stress and anxiousness in my life I do better. Everyone has their story, but the more you share it the less power it has. Don’t beat yourself up. Look at all the great things you do. I have hobbies, I take classes and write, I speak to others about my life and all that helps in not giving my Ed power. I turned to my faith which has been a lifeline for me. Do you have that at all? Many prayers beautyoutofashes54

[art62grammie]

I have suffered from Anorexia basically all of my life. I became ill at fourteen years of age. I am now 56. I checked myself into treatment for the first time ever. It will be six years of treatment in Jan. 2019. I still go every 2 months. I will continue for a long time. I see my mental doctors so I will stay recovered. Eating disorders are not usually about the weight. Nor our looks. It is about control. I was sexually abused as a small child for many years. I lived in a very violent home. Not my mother she was great. It was my father who was married to my mother 40 years. I am telling you this due to my experience of why I became ill in the beginning. As a small child, I could not control the violent situation I had to live in. I stopped eating to control my world. I was told by my mental doctors. You need to start at the basement and work to the top floor. Is there an underlying cause for your eating disorder. I was not even aware of the reason as my beginning of my Anorexia until I went through treatment recently. I had repressed each and every memory of my past until two years ago at 54 years old. I know remember everything. It is hard to deal with. I am doing it and no eating disorder will take me ever again. Why should the illness and my father win? This is what treatment and recovery have done for me. The memories of my sexual abuse are devastating of course. The doctors told me to process each one as they come. Then release them. I will live my life now without a voice of Anorexia telling me everything to do. I am not telling you that you have had a past traumatic experience such as mine. I am telling you that eating disorders are about control. Don't look in the mirror daily and see fat, etc. You keep going to treatment and your therapist to see the cause of your illness. True beauty is within. We are beautiful by who we are inside not our looks. Thinking of you and best of luck in treatment. You will get there. I did after a lifetime of Anorexia. I made it.