new, sorry it's a bit long.......

[i-love-tea]

Hey

So basically I had anorexia when I was a teenager... I had a breakdown a few years back and the ed came back and kicked me hard. I'm still unwell from the breakdown, trying to piece myself back together and eating is one of the issues i'm trying to tackle.

I got 'the virus' as did others in my house, utterly terrifying. I think we're over the worst now..i hope.

I went into full on panic mode. Nothing could bring me down at all, I was having like constant panic attacks, and couldn't come down in between, was totally hypervigilant and couldn't catch my breath. I couldn't eat, drink, sleep I couldn't even go in my own house, I lived in the garden over easter..... hot mess to say the least.

I was already very underweight before the virus but since I've lost more....I KNOW I need to put weight on, I want to be healthy but as soon as I start putting weight on I panic. I feel SO fat an blobby an just horrible. My lungs are not ready for excercise yet, I walk when I can get out but some days the panic is too much, i'm agoraphobic too.

The Dr has put me on antidepressants and diazepam. I'm loving being able to breathe and the panic attacks have calmed....the Diazepam is making me EAT. I don't just mean a snack here and there.... I feel hungry for the first time in years but its constant.... Its like I cant get enough food in me to satisfy me.

I got up today, glass of water, banana and a brew (decaf) now im starving..... im so scared im gunna just get fat.My head knows this is a good thing, get strong, need to put some weight on but when it happens I can't cope, but I just cant ignore this NEED to eat....

Any words of wisdom?..........

Thank you for reading my mess lol

Tea xx

[crazycrossstitcher]

Just having a banana and a drink is not sufficient even for overweight people - no surprise you are hungry. You need to sit down with someone you trust and look at setting up a meal plan - or you could try BEAT or ABC - both will offer support - I found having a plan really helpful and calming - 3 meals and 3 snacks per day - planned at the start of each week and then I just stuck to it as far as possible - it kept me feeling safe and helped me gain weight slowly and sensibly. Your body is likely to be starved hence you feel hungry all the time - its about sensible nourishment - so do seek some help.

[i-love-tea in reply to crazycrossstitcher]

Thank you for your reply,

Ususally I wouldnt eat anything until the evening, a banana for breakfast was a biggie for me lol. Honestly if I could list what I did eat yesterday, its disgusting :/

Usually that banana would have kept me going for hours, i would have felt really full. Well I did, but hungry too, I guess thats the meds.

I'm trying to be healthy in my choices but right now were a bit stuck as were in isolation so are relying on what we can get hold of. And I have this addiction to crisps I thought was long gone :/

My son is just completing uni with nutrition, and hes going to help me with a food plan (thanks for the tip) I just cant do 3 meals a day let alone snacks, it sends my head off an i cant get the food in.

Well till the diazepam! maybe I can keep that going..........

Thank you

Tea xx

[crazycrossstitcher in reply to i-love-tea]

Hope you begin to improve - I know it is really hard - I have had anorexia for many years so do understand your struggles - your body is telling you it needs to eat and be nourished - meds aside - I hope your son's knowledge might help you begin to make small steps towards recovery.

[i-love-tea in reply to crazycrossstitcher]

hes wonderful and very understanding, we'll get there I'm sure. I'll try listening better to my body, thanks for that, I guess I've ignored her for too long......

Tea xx

[crazycrossstitcher in reply to i-love-tea]

Its very easy to ignore the "body" voice and only here the anorexic voice - which is extremely loud and very good at persuading us that starving ourselves is the right thing to do - and that we are being healthy by restricting - its hard to ignore that voice - which is why getting help from others outside our problem is so vital if we are going to break free.

[i-love-tea in reply to crazycrossstitcher]

i'll be sure to see what help is available in my area. Beat do a meet up its just hard for me to gt there struggling to go out, thats gunna improve tho

Tea xx

[gillymummy in reply to i-love-tea]

Good morning. I agree with Crazycrossstitcher, it sounds like your body is desperately trying to repair itself, not just from ED but after the virus. Hopefully if you can manage to do more (even if it’s not meals, regular snacks would do if that’s more comfortable for you), that will help to satisfy your body enough to get your strength back up to mend your virus weakened body. It’s hard for everyone who has been struck, so will undoubtedly be difficult for you. But hang in there, and do whatever you can - not easy in these very strange times. It sounds like you’re very strong and fighting hard. Well done you x

[i-love-tea in reply to gillymummy]

Hey, thank you for your reply

I've had a rough week, a dr i spoke with refused me any more diazepam an my panics went through the roof again...

got my dr 2 days later and he prescribed me more though im having to really make them last me. i'm struggling to eat without them but im managing. I did take a tablet this afternoon because i was struggling to catch my breath for hours an i was STARVING... still trying to get used to that feeling.

I'm literally doing what you have suggested <3 eating little and often when I can. might not be often enough or even as often as I like but im doing ok.

My belly feels full at the moment- had half a tin of soup and 2 slices of bread! which is uncomfortable, and I have the munchies because i'm also nearly 4 weeks off the smokes too (yaay) ive no plans to eat anymore today, want this full feeling to go away before bed, but i think I've done well today, in the end

Thank you for your nice words, i'm trying to be kinder to myself and look after myself better... so i'm not going to respond how I usually would, I'm going to say thank you, i'm trying to stay strong and I'm going to keep fighting <3

Thank you so much

Tea xx

[Hidden]

Hi, I am so sorry things have been so chaotic and stressful for you and your family. I am glad things seem to be getting better for you with the virus, but I am sorry things are difficult.

One thing that sort of jumps out to me in your story is that you are worried about being really hungry. You may already know about this, but many people recovering from an ED go through a period of extreme hunger. After a long period of restriction and undereating, your body pushes you to get as much as possible to try to recoup the calories it has been missing out on while food was limited.

Additionally, your body, especially after an illness like you have been going through, needs nourishment in order to heal the damage caused by the illness. There is also other damage that needs to be healed if you have been undereating for a long period of time.

While all of this seems super scary, it is a lesson in trusting that your body knows what to do to be healthy. It is desperately trying to keep you healthy and balanced no matter what you do to it. Right now, your body is telling you it needs food and the longer to try to resist and restrict, the worse the rebound will be when your biological need for food finally drives you to eat. This of course scares the ED and makes you think you cannot be "trusted" around food and the whole cycle--restrict-->binge-->restrict starts again.

I know you said it is difficult for you think even think about having 3 meals and snacks a day. I used to think that too, until I realized that starving always lead to huge binges--maybe not all at once, but at some point my body would compel me to eat to try to survive. And those binges ended up with me eating way more food than I would have if I had eaten regularly throughout the day.

The other thing I realized was that the binges usually were on the most calorie dense food, not because I had an addiction to "bad" food, but because my body was going for the most calorie dense things it could because it knew a famine would be coming again. It took years and years of my life to understand that binges do not happen without restriction first--I always thought controlling my food was the best response for binges, but the restriction is what causes the binges not the other way around.

Sorry about the length of this response, but I hope some of it makes sense. I feel very passionately about all of this, and I want to try to help other people avoid the years and years of suffering that I went through in my life. It was only once I started to really understand some of the biological underpinnings of my (very severe) ED that I started to take the necessary steps to get better. I have been in full recovery for almost 2 years, and I truly believe that it is possible for everyone. I hope you can find some peace around all of this. Please let me know if you have questions, and I hope some of this helps.

[i-love-tea in reply to Hidden]

Thank you hugely for your reply, no apologies needed for length, i really appreciate it <3

Everything you said has made perfect sense, one thing I AM worried about, because i'm a worryier and im worrying im gunna get a second wave of this damn virus, still cant breathe properley, tho that could be down to giving up smoking as well.....

so I was looking up what to expect when I start eating again, because usually-please excuse the topic but i'm just gunna say it- i find it hard to go to the loo.....well this morning i didn't quite make it...thort it was wind >< lol

My silly looking online (because that is a sign of secondary illness to the virus) said that suddenly over eating can cause heart trouble, something to do with the heart muscles decreasing an fluid sacs..can bring on arrithmia sudden death and heart attack.

hmmmmmm

i have been drinking orange juice with the little bits in-dont usually, eating crisps like they're not gunna sell em anymore lol an anythin else I can get my hands on basically, bananas, grapes, toast, bagels with hummus and salad (fit) ratatouille and rice yest... i'm telling mysekf thats gunna impact my bowels of course, but i'm in a bit of a panic... an im a bit scared to eat too much too quickly now.

I have managed a crumpet this am, decaf tea, green tea an half a biscuit.... im not at all hungry, i think i feel full... but that can be hunger to... feel a bit lost as to what to do because I dont feel I can trust my body to tell me. I hadn't felt hunger in years till I took diazepam. My crazy life!

sorry if thats confusing, cool if you don't know, its nice to get it out to be honest.

So grateful for your response

Tea xx