I did it again

I did it again, I binged and purged and now I feel so disappointed with myself... I don't know what to do!! I really want to stop it but I can't find a way how to actually stop tue ED. i feel so upset with myself for it!! I also suffer from digestive problems because of it which makes it all a lot worse! More self-blame and disgust... How can I get out of it??! Please I appreciate any help or advice!

[Caroline74]

Hi Kayaa so sorry to hear of your desperation. I too 'did it again' last night and I think it was possibly my worst binge ever - it was huge and horrendous plus I drank huge amounts of alcohol too and vomitted twice a lot. I was awake most of the night in total despair. I know that the only way to stop is to stop drinking alcohol (this may not be an issue for you) and to eat properly and enough and regularly every single day. I also know that my therapist always suggests drawing a line at midnight every day and starting again but if you are like me it is my intention to eat nothing at all today in order to punish and cleanse my body slightly but I know my therapist would say that I will be setting myself up for another binge in a few days. I know she's right but like I am filled with shame and self disgust and I cannot eat today. I hate myself so much for having this illness - I have anorexia binge purge subtype rather than bulimia. For me the way forward out of this is to eliminate alcohol and I know that then if I do binge eat it won't be as huge as last night. Do you know if there is something you could do that would help?

I really feel your pain and wish I could wave a magic wand for both of us. I hope knowing that you are not alone in this battle helps a little.

Take care xx

[crazycrossstitcher]

Don't know if you are getting any help - but if not a trip to the GP and a request for ED counselling/support would be my suggestion to you - from experience it was always the last time I would do it - I always beat myself up afterwards - then the cycle just started again - so do get some counselling over this. ABC also has good website, phone line and they can offer befriending support (you may need to be patient as they are inundated with calls - but you can send emails)

[Hidden in reply to crazycrossstitcher]

I have been in therapy/counselling for several years already, and I don't feel like going anymore (as it hasn't helped much I feel, at this point of time...) What is ABC?

[crazycrossstitcher in reply to Hidden]

Anorexia and Bulimia Care (should be able to pick up their website)

[Icanhelpyou5]

Hi dear. I know how you feel, but trust me, there is a way out of it. You just need to be persistent in fighting against it and also be merciful to yourself. It´s not easy and there for it takes time. However due to your digestion problems, this is something you shouldn´t take lightly. After I recovered from my ED I started having arrhythmia with serious heart pains that have lasted for 5 years now. My stomach also suffered from it and now it´s more sensitive to all kinds of food and the way I eat. I can´t eat too much or too little at once. Otherwise the whole body will be affected.

Please don´t get me wrong. These things I said are not meant to make you feel guilty or bad for not taking care of yourself. I´m just telling you, you should be very careful and take care of yourself with love and respect so you won´t hurt your body and health. ED to me is like a demon that just wants to kill us slowly and deceitfully. It is never a way to lose weight or look beautiful. It takes your self confidence, joy and strength. It takes away everything.

I think you should talk to a therapist or a doctor, anyone who can help you and support you with your ED. If you can also find people and groups that are facing the same situation, it might be easier for you to face the fight when people on the same boat are there by your side. Also the importance of your friends´and family´s support is very high and still the closest you can get in the end of the day.

What really helped me when I was in your shoes, was to try to eat many small portions a day systematically instead of eating a lot at once, keeping long breaks. Then the hardest thing you have to do is to learn how to stop burging it out. Because that is actually the one that will always make you feel hungry and binge more. Your body is constantly craving for the food you lost. Once you eat the food you lost and you keep it inside, the hunger will reduce and then the desire to binge will stop too. Trust me. It works. If you wanna stay slim, then start doing calm exercise, nothing too stressful. Your body is still weak. You have to be careful as I said.

With time my dear, I know you will make it. Just take your time and take good care of yourself. You are beautiful!

Love, survivor of anorexia\bulimia

[Hidden in reply to Icanhelpyou5]

Thanks for your message. It put everything more into perspective.

I have recently moved back to live with my parents again as I went back to studying. Unfortunately my parents/family/family home seems like a huge trigger for my ED... This kinda makes it all more difficult, but could it be a chance too to find to root cause..?

Anyway, I was wondering if you had any tips to reduce bloating? I'm bloated a mot and it gets really quite painful at time... Thank you!