Feeling stuck and reaching out

[Jots1234]

I've realised I have issues with control and food seems to be one area of major control for me at the moment as there are things going on in my life that I feel I cannot control and I can't deal with such intense feelings, but not sure if this control constitutes an eating disorder. In some ways I think I'm heading that way but I also don't feel ready to change as I get comfort from feeling empty or purging after binging on high calorie foods. I don't feel I fit in any box as I have both starving and binging symptoms. Since January I have lost over 4stone but still have a healthy bmi and not underweight.

I went to the gp a month ago but she weighed me and said as I'm not underweight she couldn't refer me to e.d. Services so now I feel stuck. I used to have an eating disorder as a teen and fear I'm returning to those patterns but not sure what to do. Part of me is determined to lose even more weight to feel I do qualify for help and have lost over 1/2 stone since visiting the gp, but it's coming off slower now so not even sure I have a problem and not just attention seeking.

I've joined here hoping to get some advice and talk to people in a similar situation as I feel very alone with everything at the moment.

Thanks

[Agora1]

Jots1234, I think you having had an ED as a teen makes you very aware of the signs that you may be going down that "path of control" once again. There doesn't have to be a special box to check off since you can have more than one issue. I'm sorry your GP didn't take this concern of yours more seriously. I personally don't think you are just attention seeking. After all, who knows their own body better than ourselves. Maybe the GP isn't the one who should be overlooking your issue. Try a therapist who can talk to you about control and attention seeking by using food as it's source.

I'm sure you will receive some responses to your post which will help guide you into getting some answers in what's going on right now. There are many who have been in your situation who will be able to support and guide you. Good Luck Jots. My best to you x

[Jots1234 in reply to Agora1]

Thankyou for replying and for the good wishes, it's nice to know I'm not alone as I feel very alone as no one around me knows what's happening and I'm very good at having excuses for anyone around me to keep them happy x

[crazycrossstitcher]

Suggest a return visit to the GP - be honest about how you are feeling and again ask for an ED referral - I had to push really hard and for some time to get help - or see someone different in your GP practice - its unbelievable that GPs seem so clueless about what constitutes an ED! You could also contact ABC - they have a support line and just talking to them might help you clarify the thoughts you are having - they also have a befriending system which again might help you.

[Jots1234 in reply to crazycrossstitcher]

Thanks for replying crazycrossstitcher. I used to enjoy cross stitching, I should take it up again, sorry sidetrack there. I found it incredibly hard to go to the gp in the first place and really panicked before and during the appointment. I felt dismissed and that I was making it worse than it was because she just wanted to weigh me and I was a healthy weight. Surely seeing a different dr will be the same as they will just look at my notes, it also feels wrong like I'm going behind the first one's back. I'm not a pushy person and don't think I can even face going back at the moment to see anyone. I have rung the helpline and they have said the same as you about going back. She didn't think the befriending service is right at the moment as I'm struggling to decide on steps to recovery. Talking to them has been helpful though and they signposted me to here x

[crazycrossstitcher in reply to Jots1234]

don't worry about going behind GPs back - I saw 3 GPs - and it was only the 3rd that referred me for treatment as she understood about EDs and took me seriously - its not being pushy - its just trying to access the help and support you need - I just pray you have the courage to return and get the help you need.

[jfk71]

Hi i totally empathise with you. I was refused help because even though some of my bloods were indicative of an ed my bmi was not worrying enough for referral to ed specialist. I was very athletic and muscular when this particular relapse happened and considered overweight according to bmi charts. I went from bmi of 36 to bmi of 27 in 15 weeks. But yes- i was within the healthy range. When will professionsls stop assessing individuals with an ed according to bmi. Has very little to do with it i believe. Hope you get some support. You clearly want some . Hugs xx

[Jots1234 in reply to jfk71]

Thanks for replying jfk, yes like you I've gone from a bmi of 29.6 to one of 20.3 in about 18 weeks but when I went to the gp about a month ago my bmi was 22 so seemingly very healthy. Have you since received help? What did you do, see someone else? I feel really stuck at the moment. It took me a month to book the appointment as I could see old patterns returning and having looked on the nhs site I was signposted to beat site and they promote early intervention. I waited 3 weeks for appointment and struggled terribly on the day with anxiety and panic. To be dismissed like that I found really hard so I'm reluctant to go back. I kind of feel forced to lose more to be worthy of support which is stupid but I'm caught in the vicious circle and unable to escape it myself. I hope you've had a more positive response since and can advise, thanks for the hugs xx

[jfk71 in reply to Jots1234]

I felt so ashamed and a terrible fraud when i was told i wasn't skinny enough to be referred to ed specialist. Compounded all the feelings and thoughts i held and yes made me feel like i needed to lose more weight just so i would be given help and support abd my ed be taken seriously. I got lots of suppirt from people here mostly. My bmi still isnt low enough for me to get support so i just struggle on. But dont let my experience deter you from going to seek further support. It could be different . Use this community for support and Beat. Don't give up. Xx

[Jots1234 in reply to jfk71]

We're in the same boat at the moment then. I've taken up running which I love but my weight has stayed the same for two weeks as I think I've gained muscle. I'm really torn, half the people that know me tell me I'm losing too much and not to lose more but the other half are complimenting me on the achievement and saying I look great, little do they know I'm a fraud and have achieved it from avoiding food as a response to stress and recent triggers. How long have you been struggling? Is there an option for you to see a different doctor? It's so hard isn't it when you know something isn't right and abc and beat promote early intervention but then those you need to get help from don't agree. Sending hugs to you too xx

[jfk71 in reply to Jots1234]

Hi sorry just seen ylur reply.i totally get what you are saying re peoples views..some say you dont need to lose anymore weight and expressing concern, but others complimenting how good you look. You feed of those compliments and it spurs you on, but yes there is the feeling of " i'm a fraud" . We know we haven't gained those compliments by losing weight " the right way " but it feels good all the same momentarily doesnt it..being complimented. Then you look in the mirror and see you as you believe you really look. I have changed surgeries so many times because i hate the way i am treated so no i give up. However to be honest my gp this time did try to refer me...the interventions team were the ones who told me i wasn't " skinny " enough. They kept telling me i just have to eat healthy despite my sobbing my heart out saying that it wasn't abiut healthy. Anything with the dreaded calories, fats, carbohydrates and sugars was terrifying to me...blank look is what was returned. Plonkers( i would say f*@#@#s) but think post would be deleted. Am eating sporadically and better but still very, very disordered and control, body image orientated. Look pm me anytime. More hugs xx