I wish my mum had told me I was beautiful

[lost25]

Hello, if you are reading this you may be considering to make the worst decision of your life. Or you may of made that decision and are now here to share your story with others. I am the latter. I am 25 year old girl, (I say girl because I feel like a scared child most of the time) who has battled with anorexia, bulimia, binge eating, purging, laxative abuse, self harm, excessive exercising and severe depression for over eight years. Well longer but I was too young to understand.

I was eight. Mum was in the kitchen of our old home, with my aunt, both sat on the counter. I came into the kitchen with a drawing I had done for my mummy. She laughed and asked me to turn around. 'Look at your arse! You got a fat arse! Your going on weight watchers tomorrow!' And with that her and my aunt threw their heads back and laughed. I was eight. From that day I felt I had an overwhelming feeling of disgust for my body that i had never felt before. Mum was true to her word and put me on weight watchers.

This is just one scenario of so many. Mine is not a story of self pity, although I have done enough of that to last a lifetime. Mine is one of realization that it was never my fault. Things happen in our lives that we cannot control. If you are struggling, or sitting at your laptop right now, alone and reading this, with a blade in your hand, your fingers near your mouth or a pile of empty food wrappers and a box of laxatives. Please stop and just think of yourself as a child. Look at that child. How innocent and beautiful they are. Would you want that little boy or girl to grow up and be sat where you are now? Feeling alone, sitting in the dark trying to forget. No. You want to scoop them up in your arms and hold them tight and never let go. Now remember that the child is you.

I am in a very dark place at the moment. I have done nothing like this but maybe I can help other people out there to feel better or give someone to talk to, because I cant talk to anyone in my family. I love them too much to hurt them anymore. If I get any response I will keep writing and share my whole story. You are Not alone. Even though you feel it.

Lost 25 xXx

[joanna21]

Hi

I realise that you are writing your post to other sufferers rather than carers,which I am one of. But I couldn't not post a reply.

You have been very brave to write this and it is so sad that what your mum thought was just said in jest has caused you so much pain & anguish.

I am sure if she knew she would be devastated.

I often wonder if I said or did anything to cause my daughter's anorexia.

I have been told though that this is not a helpful thought process and i must channel my energy into helping her recover.

I think by raising awareness by sharing your story you may feel that you are doing something positive & your self worth & esteem may increase.

I am sure your family love you soo much too and would like to hold you tight & never let you go. Let them love you & look after you xx

[Hidden]

Ohh Lost 25 ~ You are beautiful, can't you see that ~ to write such a heartfelt, empathic post ~ well, only someone beautiful on the inside, could ♡ Forgive your mum and every single person/situation that drove you to this place and most importantly forgive yourself ~ you are obviously a young, beautiful, intelligent woman please get some help with being in such a dark place, start with your local GP and ask for a referral to a counselor/therapist. Please... xoxo

[Hidden]

Hi

Thank you so much for writing this. I can really relate to it. There are comments made by the people in my life that have contributed to the state I am in today. Thoughtless comments but they have stuck and hurt me. I tried very much as a parent to avoid comments like the ones I received.

Words can be encouraging or harming...it is a lesson to us all

[Dorkysmile6484]

I feel soooo sorry for you. You are probably perfect just the way you are! Don't worry about what your mom thought about you. Forgive and forget. She was probably just joking and then you took it seriously as an 8 year old. No offense. Try to get better for everyone. Everyone that you know. Everyone that you care about. Really hope you get better soon!!

[Hidden]

Hello. Tonight my very slim but healthy 11 year old daughter told me she thought she was fat. I want to say to you what I said to her which is your body is so precious and you are beautiful inside and out.

No one is completely perfect but everyone has something beautiful about them - whether it is their eyes, their hair, or even their feet! But no one was ever made more beautiful from being thin - mostly thinness just takes away what loveliness nature gave them. I have to convince my daughter she isn't fat and that she is right just how she is. Family, and probably mothers in particular, can make terrible mistakes and your mum made one. I'm so sorry that it has stayed with you. Try to remember that your mum is only human and that as such her view is no more important than your own, or a million other peoples. It is easy to put mums on pedestals but we often don't deserve it. We are just doing a job and sometimes we will do it badly like any other job. Also remember it is the only job you aren't actually trained for so it is no wonder that sometimes we get it terribly wrong.

What your mum said was horrid but from the way you describe it, it sounds like she made a flippant and stupid, unthinking joke and didn't for a moment consider what it would do to an 8 year old. What you must do is remember you are no longer 8 and that you are now a woman of 25 who can make her life what she wants it to be. I know you might think 25 is quite old but you still have so many years of your life to fill - at least twice again probably - and you can do so much if you let go of this. Stop living in the past and look at where you want to be in the future and decide how you are going to get there. Every evening make yourself write down at least three positive things about your day so that you stop focussing on what is wrong and start thinking about what is right. Try to make your priority to be healthy not thin - to make our bodies the best they can be is not about making them the thinnest they can be, it is about making them strong and healthy.

If you have a bad day, say ok i will go to sleep now and this day will end and tomorrow will be a new day. Let your 8 year old self rest now and let the 25 year old have a chance to see what she can do.

I've never written anything to anyone online before like this but your few paragraphs made me sit here thinking and typing for over an hour. With just a few paragraphs you've already made several complete strangers care about you. Please start to give yourself some credit, even if to begin with it is just to say Look at me I'm still here and I've still got so much I can do.

I wish a few words could change things for you but I know it isn't that easy. But when things are hard please try to remember that there is now another person, even if I don't know you, who cares what happens to you and would like to know you are ok. xxx

[loppyloo61]

Hi Lost25, I am so dreadfully sorry to hear that you are living in such a Dark place right now, sounds as if you have been for quite sometime!

I can completely empathise/sympathise just how you are feeling now & felt as a 8 year old child! My mother used to call me "A big, fat ugly Slag!" and how pretty, petite my younger sister was in comparison!

This was the start of my Eating Disorder @ young innocent, tender age of 8 years old. My mother too put me on a diet @ this age! I was quite a chubby child but have found out since it was only "puppy fat!" but her cruel words, she repeated almost daily to me, I have carried around with me for over 40 years!!

I would hate for you to go down the devastating road, I ended up on!

I am ashamed to say that I am know 54 years old and still struggle with Anorexia!!

I have almost lost my life to this insidious, cruel illness on two occasions over the past couple of years, when I ended up being rushed into Intensive Care with Pneumonia, sepsis, septicaemia, respiratory failure and organ failure! I was on a Life support machine, spent over a month in hospital! The Consultant & Anaesthetist, who Incubated me on to the Life support Machine, told my husband to call for my grown up sons, as I was"nt expected to make it until the morning!

By the grace of God and a miracle I did make it! I was referred immediately to Specialised High-risk Eating Dis-order Team @ Psychiatric hospital for Treatment! It was/is horrendous and terrifying experience!

I am still having Treatment from my Psychiatrist, Specialised High-risk Eating Dis-order Team for the past 4 years! I have lost far too much precious time in not only my life but my lovely family too!

PLEASE seek some professional help for yourself NOW?! I would hate for you to end up where I am @ the moment!

I can empathise how much those hurtful words your mum said & the ridicule of her & your Auntie laughing @ you, but please don"t let it destroy the rest of your precious life! " Soloman said "Kind words heal & help. Cutting words wound and maim!" please don"t fall victim to those cruel, hurtful words that were once said to you as a 8 year old, innocent child ?!

You sound a very thoughtful, caring, intelligent young lady! You are young enough to recover from your Eating Disorder, depression ect. You are half way there to recovery as you recognise that you have a problem with Eating Disorder, with the right support & help from the right Professionals in this field, you can "recover!" or @ least go into remission, you owe this to yourself and that young 8 year old vulnerable young child who still resides within you!

I urge you to see help if you can"t find family or friends to speak to about your state of mind? Any Eating disorder is progressive, life only becomes worse (please trust me from my own bitter, cruel experience of living a life with Anorexia!) never better!! Existing with AN has robbed me of any sort of normal life! ED"s have no reason or make no sense to us!

Please seek some professional help to start the ball rolling into your recovery which is totally possible and within your reach, although you may not feel it @ this moment in time but you can overcome this illness and depression?!

You are not alone, people do care what happens to you? With the right help, given the right "Tools" to work with you can/will recover & go on to live a full and happy, carefree life! I wish to God, that I had sought help, when I was your age?!

You can do this and go on to lead a "normal!" (whatever that is?!) life, free from your cruel Eating dis-order, it is not your friend and will eventually destroy your life!

Also please remember this is not your fault, suffering with an Eating dis-order, which claims the life of more Mental Health Illnesses than anything!!

I wish you all the luck, from the bottom of my heart to seek help and overcome this cruel, insidious illness. You are young enough to recover, claim your life back and go on to lead a happy, healthy, carefree life in Recovery?

You are worth it and owe it to yourself. Please trust me living life with an ED is NO life @ all, it can only bring you heartache, pain and destroy the rest of your life!

Please feel free to Pm me if you would like a chat or ask me any questions? I don"t proclaim to have all the answers but I can totally identify how you are feeling and maybe point you in the right direction?

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Sending positive, healing comforting vibes to you for a healthy & happy future?

Look after yourself

Best wishes & many blessings XX

[Stoniegirl11]

You're not alone either...keep writing, I get the sense from your writing that you may also be in recovery😉

[Tomagcro]

Dera Lost, thanks for your post. It was painful to read it must have been excruciating to write. Parents do silly things. I know I have. My daughter is anorexic I didn't know and I bought her running kit so she could over exercise.

Only you can win your battle...but you can't do it alone...if you can't share with your parents share with someone you trust. The are many places you can seek help. There are some good books which thise you love and trust should read to help you help yourself. I have listed some books on my blog tomagcro.com

There will be light at the end of what may look like a long dark tunnel. Good luck with the journey. God bless

Tom