Should I push my daughter to talk to me or should I wait till she is ready? she is getting worse.

[Paulf]

after eating her fatty greasy tea she purges immediately, she knows I know cos I asked her to speak to me about it if she is ready but still not a word. Do I keep trying to get her to talk or will this make her worse? should I wait till she is ready? as she is getting worse, she doesn't even hide it anymore now that I know, its like second nature to her, she will talk to me about every day things but not about her problem, she will avoid me.

Is it best to try and get her to talk to me or to wait for her to talk to me? I don't know what to do for the best?

does anyone know what is the best way forward please?

Paul.

[Angelus]

Hi Paul, the concerns you have for your daughter sound justified. I have personally been though bulimia and anorexia thankfully with help and support I have come through and living a healthier lifestyle. Now, I am trying to help others with my experience and also as a qualified mental health nurse. The purging after foods is a very disgusting feeling personally, the reasons I did what I did were overwhelming feelings that I could not connect with but with professional help I managed to get out of the routine and understand why I was doing this to my body. I went to the doctor for help because the skin on my tongue was actually peeling off and I could not cope with daily life without purging, I was stuck in a complete rut and I could not discuss this with my family from pure disgust of my actions. Does your daughter know about this web site? If things continue and she is dramatically loosing weight she may not have lost clarity of the real world, so to speak, how bad are things? is she socialising with her friends? has she completely shut herself off from everyone? do you know of anyone who may be able to talk to her who she feels comfortable to confide in? I will be logging on regularly and I will be here if you or your daughter need support but I do urge you to get professional help. The first point of contact will be with her GP and s/he will then take action by checking her bloods, weight and a referral to an eating disorder specialist if necessary. With very best regards and hope, Sarah

[Paulf in reply to Angelus]

Hi Angelus

Thank you for your reply, she is suddenly at a stage were she eats a huge tea and purges it all within 2 mins, if she is extra stress (bad day) she will do the same again within an hour, this is the only food she consumes each day, she has a sore throat and tubes, lost loads of weight, she isolates her self in her room which she has done for years really, she is at war with most people and has turned away from work colleges, she has one new and only friend, but I don't know much about her or if she can be trusted to tell. She recently split with her boy friend which is when things got much worse and it became obvious to us there is a problem, we found some prescribed tablets (Fluoxetine) but she has stopped taking them. we don't know if they where given for depression or bulimia, she will talk about it with me her mum or sister. I have emailed local ED center but they said they have passed my message on and I have had no reply as yet? GP is really needed soon, maybe we should gently push the subject a bit more? can't just sit back and wait she is on a one way track down.

Paul.

[Angelus in reply to Paulf]

Hi Paulf, it sounds like the situation has deteriorated since the split from her bf, maybe she felt she lost the closest thing to a best friend she had??? it's very difficult to understand everyone's' behaviours but if she is becoming physically poorly its time to take a step in because as we (with eating disorders) become poorly our bodies work differently. I am sure you have looked all of this up on the internet and have seen the effects of malnutrition and purging. I would really like to help you further and therefore will send you a private message. Please do not despair, she is most probably at her wits end as you are but so engulfed by the eating disorder she is unable to find a way to reach out to you. I will send you a message with, what I hope will be helpful. Things will come good in the end but she does need professional help and this sometimes needs to be pushed rather than ending up in an eating disorder ward or hospital ward because of dehydration and other elements within the blood that are lacking. Recovery at home is always a better option but does require determination and self discipline., with very best wishes Sarah x

[Paulf in reply to Angelus]

Hi Sarah

You are right and yes I think we are getting there it is just so frustrating that first it takes so much time getting through then we you get there and they sort help through the GP that takes so long also, mean while things can be spiraling out of control with no-one to turn to. thankfully I think we are heading in the right direction and everyone help on here has been great, just being able to chat and share some thoughts and feeling works wonders, I am very grateful to everyone. and I hope you are doing well and send my best wishes. Paul x

[Angelus in reply to Paulf]

Hi Paul, How are things going? it would be really good to know how your daughter is and how far you have come with getting the professional help and support you so greatly need. Keep in touch, S x

[PoppyRose]

Hello again, Give her some time and space (I'm sure you're already doing a lot of that) but a lot of it is in the way you approach and how you state/question. Very difficulty. I used to ask how to phrase tings that I wanted to discuss or ask with my daughter at the weekly support groups. It did make me change may approach at sensitive times and my mindset... at times I know I just can not approach! Not easy!

I'm meeting up with a lady I met at my sessions, moral upport. Even if there's no answers.

It's also covered in the book I recommended. How did you get on with contacting the EDC clinic or a more local one? Your GP should be referring. Keep in touch. x

[Paulf in reply to PoppyRose]

Hi Poppy I hope you are doing well?

I have emailed our local EDC (Accrington Lancashire) but the email was forwarded to a new manager and they have not replied to me. I may have to call and see if I can get any kind of help for her or support for us.

My younger daughter had a similar problem and has tried to talk to her but don't want them to fall out and not talk at all. it is funny how parents or careers feel the need for support to help them support others!

I guess its the helplessness and watching that causes the stress of not being able to help a loved one who is destroying themselves in front of you. I feel we must risk putting some pressure on her than do nothing, and hope it goes the way we would like.

I wish you well and luck all the best Paul

[PoppyRose in reply to Paulf]

Well it does sound as if you have got the right understanding regarding the sensitivity of your daughter's (both) relationship. Difficult isn't it? i have just blatantly asked my daughter what she is doing to help herself ( I actually ran this past the clinic this week) as I can't see it. A bit strong I know but like you say it's difficult watching them destroy themselves like this. I have got a more local appointment at Blackburn this week.

You must chase up your inquiry, at least that will put you in control over helping your daughter.

Regards,

PR

Sorry about spellings, typing too fast! :/

[Paulf in reply to PoppyRose]

Getting some where!

my daughters had a bit of a fall out when she was asked to attend a party but said I will go but will not eat anything, I used this as an attempt to try and bring the conversation up but she left the room upset, I then sent her another message (online) and got a reply saying how talking about it and messaging her was making her worse, to leave her alone and stop acting like i know everything etc, I responded again answering her reply word for word and added that this effects everyone in the family not just you and 'if this was your daughter would you just stand back and ignore her? I know not!' she then replied saying she has been to the GP and is being referred (waiting) and got some tablets (fluoxetine) said they don't work, she has another appointment and said she has anorexia and bulimia that's getting worse but is not good at talking to anyone, her one friend accompanied her to the GP but she hasn't real talked to her either and struggles to cope. my other daughter has now managed to have a chat with her so I will get more info tomorrow, so I guess this is a good step forward and something that I hope I can work with to get her to talk a bit more about help and a way forward. PS I hope everyone is doing well and thank you all for your responses so far, keeping in touch. Paul

[PoppyRose in reply to Paulf]

Like trying to crack a boulder with a tooth pick isn't it? You're dong fine, slow but steady. Any antidepressant may take some time to have an effect. You don't state how long she has been on them.

My daughter recently refused to go again to her CB session. I argued that she could make the call, bearing in mind she would need to give a valid reason etc... she then asked me to attend with her instead. Major break through! Especially since like your daughter she is very emotional, doesn't discuss, embarrassed. etc...

Well done!

PR

[Paulf in reply to PoppyRose]

Good news that she has asked you to go with her I hope this will lead to further situations for you both, please update me on the sessions it will be good to know how they are helping, my daughter has been on the tables for 5 weeks and has almost ran out of them, she has not spoke to me again since and there has been no change, so I will have to see what comes after the appointment she has tomorrow, I think it is just to weigh her and take some stats etc.

Keep strong Paul

[PoppyRose in reply to Paulf]

Morning, thank you! Just be aware... how does your daughter react to weighing? With mine and another girl whom parents I met at the support sessions it is a MAJOR issue and causes refusal and complete shut down to the point they will refuse treatment. Not to mention the distress and emotional turmoil she/they go through. Do you know her weight? can you ask and see what her response is? Just make sure she is aware this is what they will do. Both girls incidently - strangers to each other - give permission to be 'measured' but NOT weighed.

[Paulf in reply to PoppyRose]

Hay PoppyRose

she went for her first weighing and bloods yesterday, she took her friend with her which we are very grateful, for the first time she came home and talked to us a little saying how it had gone and that she has to go every week. she has been put on long term sick but we are worried that she will just stay in her room all day every day while we are out at work, at least we are off work all next week so this could help. another dilemma is my wife's birthday is due this weekend and we planned a BQ but she is showing signs that she wont like to be here for it while everyone is eating, we might just try a cold buffy instead, she friend is invited so will help, sadly my other daughter has lost her unborn child and this I think has helped to keep her busy concentrating on her for a while and they are bonding much more, we still have not tried to talk direct about her eating or purging, treading on egg shells seems to have paid off at the moment. however she stay at her friends over the week end and the last 3 days at home I don't think she has eaten anything another worry! she is very lethargic weak and falling to sleep all the time and not thinking straight, so we have a party to get though and a funeral next week, hope fully after these stressful moments we can see how things are going, hope your keeping strong Poppy and your daughter is coping I real do think its down to themselves to except help and want to feel better even if it is only a little. best wishes Paul

[PoppyRose in reply to Paulf]

Hello Paul,

Just very quickly read my messages and feel relief, but obviously some sadness for you. Just getting mine off the the Leeds Festival. The arguments!! lol. Will message later.

[PoppyRose in reply to Paulf]

Hello Paul,

As far as the stat of health i.e. lethargic, sleepy etc... my daughter struggled in the last 4 mths of college and lost an essential subject that would have taken in to teaching it. Hence she is staying at home for another year and has chosen to do a subject she got an 'A' in instead, for some respite. The reason for staying home and declining a teaching degree? to get better!! Yet I see little progress.

At least I have been asked to attend the sessions with her now and , suggested that fortnightly might be more helpful in moving towards achieving better health so that her career plan can be resumed next summer. She has a food/emotional diary to complete. She is due another set of blood tests on return from Leeds festival. I know she won't eat, she refused enough money to live on for 6 days, with 2 packets of cereal, 3 bottle of 2ltr cider, cereal bars and £30!! What a worry!!

You are coping very well reading the above posting despite your recent sorrow with your other daughter, you still seem very focused on your daughter's steps towards some recovery.

I pray for you and your family at such a difficult and 'conflicting' time.

God bless

PR

[Paulf]

Sorry I have not been on for a while, last time I came here was to say that things were looking up with GP, Nurse visits medication and waiting for dietician and counseling. well things are far from better while waiting to still see someone to talk to she has gone down hill fast, only eating every 4 days a dried pasta an cheese and purging it immediately. she has lost so much weight she struggles to walk, she was taken in hospital last night after having bad abdominal pain for last week, GP concerned for her liver/kidneys. It's like am just watching my own flesh and blood slowly commit suicide in front of me and can do nothing at all about it. my youngest daughter cant cope and is now avoiding us, my wife is having a breakdown and I only have you guys to talk to. if someone went to the doctor with a mental illness am sure you don't wait this long to see someone. sorry to be sharing my view just getting a bit off my chest. trying to hold it together. Paul.

[Paulf]

Sorry to anyone who has read my last message I know this site is not for me to come on and rant when all you have real problems of your own my apologies and I hope and wish you all well.

[fadedlizard]

Hi Paul,

It's your blog love, you can rant all you want to!!!

You sound like a loving, caring dad who's struggling to hold his family together in terrible circumstances.

I know it feels like you're powerless in the face of such an awful destructive illness but do not underestimate the power of your love for your daughter.

Being there for her day in day out even though you struggle to understand the thing that controls her.

Loving her when she cannot love herself.

Reminding her who she is when the illness has stolen her sense of self.

All these things are beyond price.

You will get through this.

She will get through this ~ precisely because you are there for her.

So you come on here and rant all you want and we'll try to support you as best we can.

Love and Best Wishes,

Lizard.xxx

[Paulf in reply to fadedlizard]

Hi Lizard

Thank you for your message it is nice and rings true, as bad as things get it can make one weak or strong or maybe one becomes strong when weak, but I am coping a little better now even with other major problems appearing, but all is fixable at some point and its good to have these moments to share with others and have a say.

thanks again and I hope things are going well for you?

Keep in touch

Paul.

[Hidden in reply to Paulf]

Paul - you poor darl - have you heard the quote "storms cant be fought or rationalised just withstood" so batten down the hatches while the cyclone hits - it will fury itself out... all you can do is be there for yourself first - then your wife - then other well child and when you can for your sick daughter - paul I know what I am talking about - been there done that where your daughter is concerned. I will never know the consequences of "those" days on the people around me, but I do look back and remember those who cared enough to continue on with there normal life and just be around when they could - gave me a "model" of how to be normal when the fog lifted briefly enough to notice! For me I think anorexia is about unhealthy relationships/control issues and a deep seated hatred/guilt towrd self and others - so show her "normal" - just a bit of a heads up this is life long for her - nothing anyone did or said "caused" this - this is a true war on abnormal behaviour versus normal...I wish you giant healing hugs♥♥♥