Struggling & becoming desperate

Hi. I may not be the right sort of person for this. Too old.

Need to try something, see if anyone is there with ideas.

I'm a nearly 49 yo guy. I've struggled with depression & weight, binge eating most of my life now. Bullied all of my childhood a lot of adulthood. Hardly ever worked. Never had a relationship. Was doing better but I now have to leave my home of 16 years. Lots of problems with benefits. Leaving my job cos so many many problems. I'm about 25 stones. No one has ever wanted to be with me. I poss have b.p.d. I'm broken and starting to want to cut myself again. Haven't done it for 8? Years but the temptation is so massive. That release, the rush of adrenaline the satisfaction that you can hurt yourself rather than anyone else hurting you. I'm becoming a bit strange in how I feel. There is something really wrong with me. The loneliness the aloneness of life the meaninglessness of life. I'd kill myself if it wasn't for my parents and they are getting old and won't be around much longer. Then I will be totally alone on this planet. What do I do. I'd I kill myself it would send my mum insane, truly, but what about me. How do I stop this emptiness except through suicide.

5 Replies

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  • Hi there, I'm sorry to hear about your struggles for most of your life, which would be a pretty long period of time.

    I struggled with my weight and binge-eating for the last few years, and I have felt the same way before. I think the first step to recovery is acknowledging that you are struggling and actively seeking help for it, and I'm glad that you have made it here.

    Have you tried locating local support groups, or seek help from professionals? Is it possible to confide in that one friend about what you have been going through? I was so reluctant to seek help before, but now I realize that we are all human beings, we are not machines, we have burdens and we don't have to be afraid to let people carry some of them sometimes.

    I wrote a blog that documents my thoughts as a recovered binge eater. See if it helps in any way: imstrongerthantheurgetobingeeat.wordpress.com

    It is hard to believe it now, but things will become better. Stay alright. Sending loads of support to you Mr 49 yo :)

  • I wonder if you have been to see your doctor or rung MIND - here's a link to their website mind.org.uk/information-sup... there is help out there for you if you ask for it - if you have bpd - there are many established ways to treat it - take care

  • Hello there my love. First step needs to be to your GP. If you have a good relationship with them great if not, find a GP that you 'like ' to start with. Write an open letter saying how you're feeling and your struggles with food...... it can be more cohesive than verbally. List all your concerns and feelings; I know this will be difficult ( I'm composing mine now ) but it will hopefully be a powerful platform to present to your GP in asking for help. I'm so sorry you're lonely, I can't wave a magic wand, but what about pen pals, volunteering for a charity if you've time, abpnything thst will give you a little boost, that you badly need. You can crawl out of this pit my friend. Please don't feel alone, because you're not...... let me know how you are getting on please ? Sending you best wishes and a big hug and cwtch.... xxxxx

  • Hi. Thanks for your reply. I hope you get help with your problems.

    Unfortunately with all the stuff I have going on, the problems, it all affects everything else.

    I was doing some part time work but left after people I worked with and thought I got on with turned out to not be as nice as I thought and that's now caused more of my fear, insecurities, self hatred etc.

    I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust anyone again. At least for quite a while.

    Some of the reasons for what's happened with the job, work colleagues is my fault but because of my mental health if they'd have talked to me I feel we could have sorted it out but they were bitching about me which I overheard. Work were nice helpful but i couldn't stay.

    I'm waiting on some counselling from mental health services but it all feels that everything has gone to far. I'm too old to start again, to start from nowhere. No friends, no job, no money, poor health, got to move from the flat I've been in for 16 years. That's causing lots of problems trying to find somewhere being on benefits hardly any letting agents will take you. Waiting to hear from the council of what help they can give but worried what sort of place they may offer.

    Just so much stuff wrong in my life seems impossible to get to a positive place.

    Really worried in case my unhappiness in this message causes you problems so please don't message again if it's too difficult for you.

    Thanks again

  • It sounds like you are past the point where kind reassuring words will make any difference.

    You need serious help. You are deep into an extreme situation. You have said that suicide is not an option for you. I looks to me like the only way out of this is by accessing the level of treatment and support that you need.

    I recently had a close friend that through severe mental health problems was sectioned and hospitalised. It was horrible, heart breaking for everyone, it felt way too extreme, but it meant he had access to the things he needed to begin recovering.

    For example, he was began receiving disability benefits. This meant he did not have to work in jobs that were significantly contributing to his illness. He had a level of security that meant he could focus on recovery without high levels of stress.

    I doubt that getting the level of help that you need will be easy. I don't think you just are looking at a couple of counselling sessions, I think you need much more. And I imagine that it will seem as though you are tearing your life apart and giving up on all the decades of effort to keep living a normal life. But the life you are living right now is not normal.

    If I had to give advice I would say pester your GP, pester everyone, call every single phone number you can find everyday, make appointments with every organisation and service that you can. Bare the full ugliness of what is happening to you to anyone you can get to listen. Break down.

    I'm not a big believer in hope, I'm too much of a realist, but I don't believe in hell either. No one is trapped for a eternity in the situation they're in, even if there is no discernible light at the end of the tunnel.

    Good luck with finding somewhere to live. Leaving a home of 16 years would be traumatic for anyone.