Hello I am new to this so hope I can get some help insight. My 46 yr old partner was diagnosed with a breast cancer 18months ago and had a maestectomy & reconstruction at the same time. She is now “clear” but emotionally is now very different to how she was.
I wish to support her better than I have been able to so am reaching out as to how I can help more. Our daughter has just left to go Univ and we have one other daughter however our relationship seems to have suffered in recent months and I want to learn how to or support more by being more understanding.
A wide remit from a loving husband who wants to be more involved d
Written by
KevinPeters
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
Do you understand that this group is about metastatic bc, that is bc that has progressed beyond the breast and is no longer curable? I'm not saying you shouldn't post here, but just that if your partner had an early stage bc and is no longer in treatment, she doesn't have alot in common with most of us, who will always be in treatment and are considered to have terminal cancer. Hope I am not being too direct, but I wanted to say that before I start to answer your question! And I will answer not just as a breast cancer patient but as a retired therapist, clergy person and hospital chaplain, so my perspective is pretty deep and broad! And I can tell you that I also am the daughter of a mother who died of lung cancer 5 months after diagnosis, and I can tell you that I found that more challenging emotionally than having cancer myself has been! As the daughter, and support person, I could do absolutely nothing directly against the damn cancer! I could be there for my mom, love her, listen to her, go to appts with her, but there was nothing I could do to help make her better! I lost my appetite--only time in my life that happened, and had a rough time sleeping. So I know something about watching somebody we love deal with cancer, although certainly different than your experience.
Have you asked her how you can be supportive? what does she want from you right now? Those of us with long term cancers talk about hitting a "new normal." She may be working towards that right now. It's not unusual when a person has finished cancer treatment for them to really shift gears. They are no longer in treatment, or fight, mode. Sometimes emotions are more intense now without treatment and all that goes along with that, to focus on. Questions--what does the future hold, will this come back, what is really important in my life, where am I going and what do I want it to look like?
If she was treated at a cancer center or large oncology practice, there may be a social worker or other therapist type person on their treatment team that the two of you could meet with a time or two for some help with what's next and how can you pull together?
I also know that sometimes the typical differences in men and women crop up and can be frustrating. It's all huge generalizations and maybe this doesn't apply to you at all, but often men feel they have to do something to be supportive! Fight the battle, slay the beast, or with this cancer, maybe drive to appts and mop the floors at home, cook the meals. Listening, hugging, holding, not having expectations may feel like not doing enough, but for us women, often that is what we want most.
My doctors have told me that cancer treatment plays havoc with brain chemistry. So there is alot going on inside us that we have no control over! We may feel different and that doesn't change just because treatment is over.
Telling her you love her and admire how she has approached this and have fallen even more deeply in love with her and want to be there for her is doing alot. But also just plain out asking "how can I be most supportive of you right now? You've been thru alot, and I hope you want to help me be with you and let me know what you need and want from me right now." And she may need space or lots hugs and foot rubs or whatever. Or romance or a vacation once she feels up to it! (If you have the money and the desire, cruises can be a wonderful way to do something vacationy while still dealing with cancer--always a cabin and a bed to retreat to, massage and good food available, a gym and pool, all kinds of activities to do or not but always that bed awaiting for tired bodies!)
Don't underestimate what just being there loving her means to her.
I hope she does really well and that the cancer is done for and that the two of you find a new normal in your relationship and have a wonderful rest of your lives!
I found this group via healthunlocked.com which was suggested by a freind. In my search for advice / support I hadn’t realised this group was in US (from what I see & i’m from Cambridge, UK & also didn’t realise most members are related to non curable cancers. That said I deeply appreciate your comments & suggestions some of which I already practice others I haven’t.
Comments re your own situation / experience have some perspective - my wife is a life coach & wants to use her experience to help other women empower themselves that have gone through /are going though the same issues. Sometimes her own emotionality to her situation makes it difficult to understand how she can be in the right space to help others but that may provide a form of deeper therapy at the time that a Male would find hard to understand.
I find it very frustrating that I can never seem to do enough but understand it’s not personal & may take upto 2 years after treatment to improve or even longer. This nugget was supplied by other replies & i’ve Found it very helpful to get feedback from this group just to know my / our situation is Common & we are not alone.
Bless you for you comments which arrived at a time when I was feeling low & like I couldn’t offer what was needed to my wife.
Thank you, Kevin! As a life coach, your wife probably has some inner resources that many don't have access to! I wonder what would happen if you asked her to put her own "wife self" aside and talk with you as her "life coach self" about your concerns about supporting your wife with cancer. Just a thought. Sometimes something like that can help create enough distance to have a whole different conversation......and could you talk to her as a life coach rather than as your wife with cancer. You know how odd and coincidental timing can sometimes be. Yesterday, while I still had thoughts about your first questions and my (long, always long, I don't know how to shut up very well, lol) in my head, my dear husband said something to me that he rarely says, along the lines of "I don't thank you often enough for keeping my clothes clean and cooking good meals." The timing made me giggle inside! And of course he may not say the words thank you, but his behavior almost always says thanks for him. Having a supportive spouse/ partner certainly makes this whole cancer experience easier to deal with!
Thanks for this reply and it was very informative - that’s the point as a life coach she seems to be able to cope but states she has only just realised how important maintaining her health is now and is frightened of the cancer coming back and not being available for our girls who are 15 & 18.5 with the latter having left for college just a month ago. (You May regret you saying you like long/long mails as i’m Similar see below)
I understand as best I can the fear aspect but she’s no more likely to get it back than anyone else according to oncologists and appts i’ve been to. The physical change she underwent I assure her makes no difference to me (in fact the reconstruction side was amazing work - I hope its oK to say that) and if you didn’t know you wouldn’t know - in some ways as a result of people saying that (I don’t say it) she feels “cheated” that she never really had this god damn disease but has had all the other elements that go with it having Tomoxifen and Zoladex once a month having said that many have / endure more aggressive treatment
Despite being a life coach my wife has never actually had anyone pay for the coaching she does - she always planned to go into it but then get work stress (could have been the start of cancer we don’t know - she was diangonsed 3 months later) from the accountant boss she worked for at the time.
She then tried to start the coaching business while off ill and then got diagnosed - she was approved fit for work in Sept last year (6months after op) by an occupational therapist who suggested 2-3 day’s work a week with support and then increasing. Sadly she didn’t really want to go back wanting to do coaching instead so she took a redundancy package. Since then she has tried to set up her business in coaching / self development of entrepreneurial women & give something back but wants to work one to many rather than 1-1 so she can leverage her time / get more money and be a big “success”
So far she has not earnt anything from this in a year and despite her saying other things (myself included) have caused her stress which is not good for her health I fear the non earning (she has always worked & wanted to work) is actually causing the very stress she wishes to avoid for her health.
She is currently doing yoga / meditation at a cancer centre and some CBT too but it seems the focus may be in the wrong area blaming cancer / recovery / me for the stress levels when infact its exacerbated by not earning and feeling worthless / a failure.
Part time work / 1-1 coaching has been suggested by myself / family / duaghters as an interim but this would “derail” the plans of her business to make a lot of money and be a success but to be blunt we are running out of money - it’s my wife’s mental health which concerns me more than anything else as this is causing stress which I know is not good at anytime (suffered myself) and not good for cancer though there is actually no medical evidence that they are directly related (atleast that’s the last I read) I have tried to support by paying for what I can and cooking and shopping all the domestic chores but the time gained from this is used on her coaching business not on other things.
My only major mistake has been to go a drink more than I should on a couple of occasions in Sept but everyone is human and needs a relief valve now and then.
I love my wife with all my heart however the cancer, her wanting to prove this business can work has ripped through our family and there are not many happy days and I would do anything to make those return - this is why I am reaching out as I am desperate for my family - I can easily cut out drink but that alone doesn’t solve things.
The suggestion to park her wife self and talk about the situation as her coach self is genius but I wonder if it’s to close. She also has a business mentor coach (very expensive - the sort of person she wants to be to other people) “advising” on what to do in her business etc for last 6 months with no impact & I believe improving her self worth would have a far greater benefit than anything the coach has done so far.
It has been suggested by friends of mine who know her perhaps she should coach 1-1 and if she wants to give something back to fellow suffers that she works as a volunteer in a cancer centre such as Maggies which is very popular in UK.
This may seem like I am not supporting my wife / being insensitive in what she has been through but I see it as caring but being in reality. I have tried as many approaches as I can but none seem to make a difference & hence looking / asking to see if there is something “more obvious” i’m Missing.
Your combination of experiences as a sufferer / carer/ coach and spiritual person may help - I can assure you I am not spiritual but I have been asking the man above for help.
Thanks you for even caring / listening to this but I do & will always love my wife
Hi! Just wanted to clarify, this is actually our early-stage breast cancer community. Our metastatic breast cancer community is here: healthunlocked.com/share-me.... Thanks for your thoughtful, insightful comments Pam!
It sounds like you've been an amazingly supportive partner so far. It's really great you want to be even more supportive. I'd suggest attending one of SHARE's caregiver groups. They're held in NYC but if you're not local, perhaps they can dial you in so you can participate remotely. I imagine you'd have a lot of helpful suggestions from attendees. The next one is on October 10 at 6 pm. You can call 1-212-382-2111 to register or to ask about dialing in.
Living int he US or Canada please call our helpline and we can connect you with a male care giver peer who has had the same experience Dial 844-275-7427
Hi Kevin, I'm assuming you've told your partner about your desire to be supportive? That in itself may be very helpful! My husband was wonderful, though I don't know whether I showed my gratitude at the time. Among other things, he did most of the household chores, which was hugely appreciated. He found movies and books that he thought would distract me from my anxieties--and they did! He went to followup appointments with me, and discussed concerns that came up. He also gave me a lot of time and space to process the cancer cataclysm: brain fog from chemo, fear of recurrence, depression about my changed appearance. I'm now 12 years out from diagnosis, but I remember the two years after my treatment ended as being very difficult emotionally. My husband was very patient ...
Greetings: KevinPeters God bless you for trying to help your wife, and for asking what you can do to brighten her day. I am a 9 year breast cancer over-comer, and now have no evidence of disease. I was told by an experienced oncology Dr. I would not live to see 2009. My husband at the time was in denial, and when he finally realized I did have breast cancer, my 195 lb man who could bench press more than his weight started crying and, his legs started weakening as he almost fell to the floor. Picture this, me at 135 lbs was trying to hold him up by his elbows, as I kept saying baby I'm okay, and you have to be okay. My husband who already had some depression, went into a deep depression. I felt like he was waiting for me to die and, was mourning my physical death everyday I was alive as if I was dead. He was emotionally distant. He did bring me food and,moved both our cars. My mom and dad felt it necessary to start picking me and, my husband up to take me to my chemo treatments. After awhile ,it was just me my mom and my dad, who are praying Christ believers. I thank God for my mom and dad , who were so supportive. At the time I was looking for a mens care giver support group for my husband. I found a small caregivers support group hosted by Share in Manhattan N.Y. during my husbands working hours. Suffice to say my husband at the time took days off in the beginning to take me to my chemo treatments, but would not take time off to attend the caregivers support group he so desperately needed. I now no I am never alone, I stand with and talk to Lord/God when no one else is around, and this brings me joy. There are stresses in life that can bring a family closer or tear a family apart. I pray that you and your wife become closer than you ever have been .Amen
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
Seeking wisdom from those of you that have \"been there done that\"
Mom detected with invasive ductal carcinoma
What happens after Chemo?
