I Cheated On ...

[Beaujie]

... the only person I've ever loved in this life, and I lost her forever.

She cheated on me, too, sure. But I don't care. She was the one soul who saw the real me and said, "I love and embrace you." Hell, I wouldn't blame her, necessarily, for needing to find some support elsewhere, because she certainly couldn't get it from me all the time.

But I cheated on her when I had her love and understanding. It was a gross betrayal, and I did it, anyway. She didn't deserve that. We met in high school, and it was all over with. We got engaged eventually, and we both moved to Nashville to pursue different, but similar, career paths.

During that period I was sexually abused by a powerful mogul in the country music industry, and she graduated university and went on to work on Music Row. She went there for the right reasons, and I went there to chase stardom. Her motivations were altruistic and attainable; my motives were selfish, short-sighted, and altogether ignorant.

After I cheated, she took me back. It didn't last much longer, but we both knew we had to try again. We were the other half of one another, after all. It turns out not to have been meant to be, but I'm convinced that's my fault.

I'm the one who has an entire book coming out about my own victimization at the hands of another in the Nashville scene, but the love of my life deserves her own volume on all the ways I dismissed, used, and took our bond for granted.

Does this mean it wasn't love? Absolutely not. Love is messy. Love is elusive. Love doesn't care about the trivial things.

I love her to this day, and I don't think that'll ever change. I love her with all my heart. She isn't the one that got away, but rather the one I didn't appreciate and watched walk away. Even if I wanted to love another, I wouldn't be able to. She is inside of me, and, eighteen years later, she is always with me.

... and I deserve everything that has happened to me since.

-B-

[Catlover456]

I think you have great self awareness and learned a lot from your relationship. Relationships are hard work and require both to make growth. It sounds like you shouldn't feel bad about making the choices you did holding resentment and anger towards yourself will have negative impact on your future relations. Remember to take it as a learning experience and look at it at maybe that time of your life you weren't ready for long term commitment. It's still very normal to love someone and have feelings for them after separation. We create a life with those partners those memories don't just go away. I'm very positive you will find a good match for yourself and you realize you made a mistake but don't ever feel you ruined the "one". Everything happens for a reason they were not the one you were meant to be with forever. That's okay some people come in or lives for shorter time frames. You've learned a lot and hurt a lot. Don't allow yourself to keep hurting. Allow yourself to be loved and grow again. Allow yourself to love again. Allow yourself to be a better version of you.

[Beaujie in reply to Catlover456]

Catlover,

It meant a lot reading this. It seems like continuing to love myself and to let myself move on would be natural and obvious - but at times the pain of the past is just so thick and controlling. I try each day to do like you say - not to let it keep me from moving forward and to remember that I've grown and learned from my past choices. I think he hardest part, for me, is thinking about what could've been if I'd known what I know now, back then. I guess that's why they write so many songs about wanting to go back and change the past. But, I know you're right, at the end of the day. I have to let this trauma go in order to make a lovable me going into the future. There's someone else on here that I talk to about the fact that we're not getting any younger, and that we have to try to make the right decisions in the moment, every day, and I think your advice falls into that same type of thinking.

Thank you for taking the time to reach out.

[Catlover456 in reply to Beaujie]

Dont ever hold on to your regrets and guilt it will harm you more then anything my friend. Remember you deserve forgiveness too. Sounds like you've learned a lot from the experience and you don't want tobever hurt that way again or hurt your future partner. I'm sure that with your understanding and self awareness you won't make the same mistake. Unfortunately it sounds like you may be struggling with your own demons to let yourself be loved and have love. Everyone makes mistakes and we all still deserve someone special and healthy positive relationships.

You're welcome reach out anytime if you need a friend.

[Beaujie in reply to Catlover456]

Hey there. Oh, absolutely, I'm struggling with my own demons, both from the past and the ones that are still haunting me today. One of them is that I don't let myself agree with the idea that she was only supposed to be in my life for a certain short period of time to teach me something - I think this is because I don't believe in "fate," if you will, but mores that we make our own fates. I think you believe in fate, right? I feel that I might have walked away from a person who was in my life that - had I made better choices - might have changed the trajectory of every single part of my life, and for the better. I might not be sitting here typing this because I might not have begun to struggle with so many types of mental illness. Ugh the thoughts just continue on and on .....

-B