Need online help for a stressed out carer

[Cinderella80]

Hi friends my mum has PSP and I am her only carer although she has two other daughters and two sons which the youngest and his wife are living in the same house as me and my mum. He is here with his wife. I have no one to talk to about the struggles I am facing. Looking after mum on my own is challenging but I can do it. What stresses me out more is my brother and his wife. I have to deal with all the house work including their mess which his wife does not help with. She walks right past a sink full of dishes while I'm tending with mum. She can clearly see what I do everyday but decides not to help. If I try to say anything to my brother he verbally abuses me and won't hear a word about his wife or himself. The first time in his life he washed some pots while his wife was just sitting scrolling on her mobile. I honestly haven't seen anyone as lazy as her. She doesn't even bother with mum she will just read the same script everyday consisting of 'morning' and 'goodnight'. I just need someone to talk to maybe anyone knows of any online forums which I can talk to about my personal problems nothing to do with mum but my stresses with my brother and his wife. I don't want him to know as he will make my life even harder. I have no one to turn to my best friend was my mother but she won't understand now. If anyone knows of any online forums I would be so grateful. Thank you.

[Hummingbird_]

Hello Cinderella80,

I am so sorry to hear about your predicament. Have you contacted your GP for a Carer's Assessment - it might be worth speaking to them as they may know of some help available to you locally.

There are several forums on Facebook, and people with similar situations to yours. Have you tried the PSPA Helpline to see if they can suggest someone to speak with, they might be worth a try too? Tel: [phone]

Try not to burden yourself too much with their work. If they are not paying you to do their chores for them, I would suggest you only cook, launder and clean for you and your Mum - it won't be pleasant but sometimes standing your ground helps (by the same token it could make things worse, you are better placed to decide). Perhaps you could ask your other family members to help support you and maybe suggest a family meeting to discuss your Mum's welfare. If they agree perhaps they may also agree to lighten your load and have a rota for chores (even if they don't live with you they may be able to help shop once in a while or do some gardening etc).

Have you tried Social Services, they may be able to get some help for you. They may be able to arrange carers to come into the house to take care of your Mum's personal needs (bathing, feeding, getting her in/out of bed - not sure how much care she needs), this would give you some time to take care of yourself. There may or may not be a charge for the service but there's no harm in asking.

I hope you can find some useful suggestions and much-needed support.

Take care, Tree Hugger

[Katynick]

Sending you lots of best wishes from another daughter whose mum has PSP. I live in London and thankfully my dad is around and can look after mum… but I find it very hard being away and every time I come home she has declined further (this is even harder as she is only 60!)

I’m with you and hear your struggle - it’s helpful to write posts on here, definitely ring the PSP association too. Have you thought about online therapy? It’s something I am considering taking up.

Keep being strong and remember how much your mum appreciates your time and energy and love, that is the most important thing.

[Hidden]

I imagine there have only been two responses because the problem is such a knotty one. Everyone wants to help on here....my question is why is your brother and wife living with you and mum? That is the crux of the problem perhaps....let us know then we can help move things on.

[Cinderella80]

My brother is the youngest he was living in the family home anyway. He got married last December and his wife moved in with us. Our father passed away suddenly just over two years ago. Dad was a great help to me and mum. Before my brother got married he would say my wife will help you around the house to take a load off you. But it's been just over six months now and he has changed his tune. It's like she has bewitched him. If my dad were here he would not be happy with his attitude but if I mention that he gets furious. That's why I would like confidential help online just to talk to someone because it's mentally exhausting. I don't want him to know that I'm talking about him otherwise he would be more verbally abusive towards me.

[bichonbear1]

Hi, this is a very tricky one and only you will understand your family situation and reactions. Sorry to hear you have this added complication in what is already a horrible situation. Maybe speaking to The Samaritans may help initially just to chat through, just talking to someone may be a great therapy. They may then be able to advise on other support mechanisms. I hope this helps.

[Cinderella80]

Thank you bichonbear1 for understanding and thank you to everyone else for responding. I really do need someone to talk to without my brother knowing. Thanks again.

[Richard33]

Cinderella, It is not getting any easier for you! I am so sorry to hear that. I am not even sure which country you are in, but if you are in the UK search for Care For Carers - a charity to help people exactly like you (and me).

Hang on in there.

Richard

😄

[Marinab]

Hi Cinderella80 if you are in the UK what area are you in?

[ambartlett]

Hi Cinderella.

I guess I could give you loads of advice but I think the key is to make a start in seeking support . If you are in the UK then have a trawl through the CarersUK website, they also have a helpline. If it is possible also look for a local Carers support group in your area. This will either be through your Local Authority or the NHS.

Please don’t wait too long to get support, as I did, or your own health and well-being will be in jeopardy and that won’t help your mum.

Take care and all the best.

Tony