Dans brother passed away from cancer yesterday. I took a Dan to see him twice last month in a care van. Dan’s brother lived a few hours away and we usually only saw him a few times each year. Until recently, he was strong, healthy and athletic. When Dan got sick he made a point of checking on him and seeing him when he could. He was a few years older then Dan and although they were not real close, Dan loved him dearly and always felt they had each other’s back. He told many stories about their childhood etc.
Do I tell Dan his dear brother has died. Dan is frail and cannot communicate, yet he seems sensitive. It is impossible to know what he understands. We normally would not see his brother until spring or summer. I believe Dan is sad and discouraged. I know that if he understands he has lost his brother he will be devastated. Is it my moral responsibility to Dan and his brothers family to tell him and take him to the memorial service? I worry that he will be sad and that his brothers death will also make him worry more about his mortality. My concern is he can not communicate his feelings or completely understand. Or, do you think in his condition, the news will have little impact. Thank you.
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Karynleitner
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Difficult, but could there be a time later that you have to tell him, that would be even more devastating to him, as he may not understand then why you tried to protect him. It could have a positive affect knowing his brother will be there waiting for him, did he know he had cancer.
Love and hugs to you xxx very difficult decision x
Yes a very difficult decision, maybe it would be good for him to go to the memorial service, if it was me I think I would tell him, but you must do what you think is right. It’s very difficult, he will be sad, but he could say his good byes to his brother. Sending you a big hug I think you need it. Yvonne xxxxx
Actually, I don’t think he’d never have to know. We would normally not see him for several months. Dan has no concept of time . He is driven more by emotion now. I think I will take the advice, because it seems right, but I’m not certain it is right for him. More sadness may be too much to bare. He may just put it out of his mind and not react at all.
How wonderful that you were able to take Dan to visit his brother last month. How did Dan handle the visits? It is a difficult decision.
Personally, I would tell him. My mother had a massive stroke but lingered for eight months before she passed. I have no idea if she understood anything. Although she could not speak and/or move, I spoke to her as if she could. I swear at times we connected.
I guess you could always contact Dan's doctor and get their opinion.
Fortunately, I was able to take Dan to see his brother 3 times. Dan wanted to visit and seemed to know we were going, but was disconnected when we were there. Yet, the nurse that sees Dan each month feels he definitely knows what’s going on.
This has made me very sad and I can at least verbalize my feeling. His just remain trapped. It’s tough
I can’t really suggest anything to you. You know your guy best. But I can tell you about my recent experience. We lost three close family members last year, in three months time. It started with my mom who my husband had adored. Then his brother - they did not have a good relationship, and then my sister’s husband - again, we were close. I told my husband on each occasion right away and I got the same reaction to all of them...NOTHING. Except perhaps his understanding that I needed to leave to attend to things.
He is very expressive when he isn’t happy about something that effects him but like I said, I don’t think these deaths phased him much at all.
Just my experience. It can be a tough one but it wasn’t for me.
I think that may his reaction too, yet sometimes he seems so sad. Just startes at old pictures on the wall . I just hate to give him something to upset him when he can’t talk about it, I think if it were my brother, I would prefer to think he was still calling and checking on me and there if I needed him.
The memorial service is not for two weeks. I’ll tell him this week .
From what you say it seems Dan will not be very affected as he only reacts to what concerns him. Chris was like that towards the end, although he had always been a really caring man.
How will you feel about not telling him. ?
If it leaves you feeling guilty then you have your answer. If you feel it's protecting him from pain that's the right thing to do.
Honestly, I feel somewhat guilty telling him. I think we feel the need to share our grief.
It’s sad he has to go through this now. I am happy I brought this question to the forum. I see that even though I question his reaction, telling him is perhaps the only way to respect his right to be treated with honesty. Thanks.
Sorry to hear this- but good you managed to get Dan to see his brother. I guess you have to go with your gut reaction. Withholding the information may cause you more stress than Dan knowing.
If Dan knew his brother had cancer, he may be wondering how he is. My husband appeared to understand everything right until the end and I tried to include him in everything so he still felt as “normal” as possible. All of his close family died before him but during his 6 years of needing care, many close friends and relatives died and his thumb went up every time I asked him if he wanted to go to their funeral/service of thanksgiving. A few years ago my mum’s sister died when mum had Altzheimers. I was talking to my cousin and said I didn’t know whether to tell mum. Her response was, “ Well if you don’t she’ll have a shock when she gets to heaven and finds her sister beat her to it”. That sounds like a flippant statement but believer or not, no one really knows and my husband had no fear of dying and went peacefully as he “knew” he would see his parents and brother again.
I had a similar situation last year where brother in law died .we myself and Matron made the decision not to tell him straight away but in the end days before the funeral I told him as his family from Scotland was coming down and was calling to see him before they headed back and to be fair he wasn’t too bad
I think you should tell him. My husband understood everything that was going on around him right up until the end. He would have guessed straight away something was wrong and not been able to communicate, would have worried what I was keeping from him.
I had a similar problem last year with my mother who has Alzheimer's. We did tell her, she took the information extremely well. Fully understood, was able to grieve for her brother, even stood up and read a poem at his funeral. It is surprising what the brain can do, when faced with a traumatic event like this.
Thanks I will tell him. My heart just breaks for the sadness he is already feeling. He was always a very happy guy, full of life and mischief. This will be a big loss. He may sink into more depression, or choose to ignore it. Sadly, it will be hard to tell.
If something like had happened to Dad and I, I would have told him. I tried not to hold anything back and be completely honest, it was his life. Unfortunately no matter what is going on in our lives, good or bad, there are external events that we have no control over but I feel we should be aware of.
Whatever decision you make will be the best one for you and your husband.
In the last year I have had to tell my Mum her brother, her best friend of over 70 years and her brother's partner have all died. Not one of them was easy but it was the right thing to do and she thanked me for letting her know and not keeping it from her.
It will be hard but I think you will feel better for having told him and I think he will appreciate having been told. I also wouldn't want to run the risk of him finding out through some comment that may slip out inadvertently at sometime in the future.
I think everyone handles every situation differently. For example, Just like grieving, some people keep crying when talking to others but I keep it to myself. I Just had a good cry at church one time and that's about it. I feel sad when talking about my deceased husband but I do not cry anymore.
So back to your dilemma, to tell or not to tell, I think you need to have your own judgement in your situation . You know him well to see what is best for him.
In my experience, everytime I told my husband that so and so passed away, I could tell he was so upset for a few days thinking someday it would be his turn as he loved to live.
After I realized that, I never told him anymore and his carer agreed with me.
So again, only you will know from your past experience what is the best for him, if you should inform him or not about his brother's passing. Do not feel guilty from either decision that you are going to make.
Good morning, that is a hard call but he has the right to know his brother passed away, probably better now then down the road, one thing about psp is most know what is going on they hear every word spoken, I just had to tell my brother about a death in are family.
My gut instinct would have been to have gently informed Ben if his sister had died before him. I was never put in that position but knowing Ben did understand everything I said, but was slightly disconnected from the world outside I don't think he would have reacted too badly, his emotions to anything outside his direct world were definitely blunted but his understanding was intact. I think if I were him I would have wanted to know. Hope that helps.
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