Cancer leads to a reassessment of one’s relationship with the body. In the case of some cancers, such as prostate cancer, it is as if the body has turned against itself as a sexual being. I cannot speak about other cancers. I can only describe my own experience with the psychic and physical impacts of prostate cancer.
I am a proud gay man happy with my body and glad for my sexuality. If you offered me a pill to make me straight, I would refuse it. Before the surgery my deepest anxiety was that I would lose that sexuality, not that I would become straight, but that I would not be able to perform or act as a gay man. Irrational, I know, but there it is.
Although I am recovering well from the surgery (I have met or exceeded all the milestones for recovery), the incontinence, erectile dysfunction, and fatigue continue to plague me. However, I have joined the Restore study program to help gay and bi men with prostate cancer to overcome the first two of these impacts. It appears to be helping. At the least, it helps me to re-affirm my identity as a gay man.
As I work through this experience, I have come to see cancer differently. I realize that the impacts of incontinence, ED, and fatigue are not the result of the cancer, but of the surgery. Cancer is simply an aspect of my body, not benign, admittedly, but not foreign. It is part of my body as much as my skin color, height, or even sexuality.
It is the surgery that has thrown me into this maelstrom. The physical impacts remain the same, however I analyze it, but I can use this point of view to confirm my identity as a gay man, with cancer and as a survivor of surgery. The incontinence and ED will pass (let’s hope!) and I will get my energy back. The cancer may or may not return. I can live with that. It is part of me now. I am a gay man with prostate cancer.
Thanks for reading this.
Kind regards
Written by
ELPJr
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Thank you for sharing the very personal and intimate details of your experience, thoughts and feelings.
My ex bf (as of last night) had his surgery in December 2018. We began dating 5 days after his surgery. I've known him for 4 years.
The incontinence didn't bother me. The ED didn't bother me. I'm a nurse so it was not surprising or off put to me.
He is a bottom so after a period of healing we slow began anal exploration. He healed quickly so we were having full on intercourse after about 3-4 weeks post OP.
The incontinence slowly dissipated but the ED remains. Unbeknownst to me he tried cialis and Trimix with other guys. Thus the reason for the breakup. The Cialis did nothing. The Trimix did but he said it was painful to inject and when hard he said his penis hurt too much to even touch it.
Side note: I had a penile implant surgery 10 days before his surgery. I had ED for years Related to Diabetes. The implant is the BEST thing I ever did for myself.
There are solutions to most problems. Good luck with your recovery and return to a healthy sex life.
Thank you for sharing. Many of us have that perspective but may not have not expressed it so eloquently. I have tried to explain to others the profound loss of ED and the incontinence. Most of us define ourselves as "gay men". Our sexuality is in our identity. The surgery takes that from us. It is hellacious.
Thank You for your Essay!!! As a Gay man and facing the same surgery in a little over two weeks, I have had my doubts, my fears and my panic attacks. Thank you for lending your strength to all of us who are about to follow your path. Every day is ask myself whether I have made the correct decision, and every day I come to the same conclusion: YES! Why? Because I realize that my Bro-in-law went with EBERT and has regretted that decision for the past 10 agonizing years. What they don't tell you before embarking on the EBERT / Brachy path is that the prostate doesn't die during the process. it just shrivels up a bit, gnarly, potent and fully capable of growing new cancer tumors.Oh, the existing cancer is killed during EBERT. I will endure the panic attacks, the depression, my fears and doubts just for the assurance that the damned prostate is gone. I may not be able to function as a top anymore or at least for a significant period of time but I can still love life.
Having PCa with all the issues surrounding it is difficult. The sexual part is somewhat similar to what was happening back in the 1980's and early 90's with HIV/AIDS. Gay men had to re-think what it meant for us in having sex. The difference of course is that those of us not infected were still sexually active and were able to enjoy sex. However, the atmosphere in meeting men was changing in how we were going about it in being top/bottom.
Thanks ELPjr. Well written and heartfelt. I, like you, would now avoid a gay antidote. It’s too much of who I am and who I want to be. But like Mayor Pete, that hasn’t always been my life view.
I’m very scared. Yesterday was the lowest moment in my life to date. Total despair.
Today is better.
I have to keep focusing on the fact that I have been with many, many guys who struggle with erections. It hasn’t worried me before - there is heaps you can do with one erection between two that is hugely satisfying for both.
What a profound essay; you are very articulate. Wishing you a speedy recovery, and improvement of the ED and incontinence. My incontinence took about 3 months to almost completely improve (I still wear a pad for the odd unexpected minor leak), and still have ED - going to try the Trimix soon. All the best
I am officially a Trimix fan. Sildenafil was not effective. Two self injections in the last week have been a real positive experiences for both my wife and I. She has been my rock since RRP last October.
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I'm 9 months post prostatectomy and the ED (and penile rehab) continues...
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