Grieving

[dadzone43]

You see a lot of our sense of loss during this journey. Loss of strength, lost of continence, loss of penile function, loss of sexual urge, loss of sexual energy, loss of hope. LOSS brings on GRIEVING. Grieving is not just a condition it is also a process. What are your thoughts and experiences in adding the process of grieving into groups you might attend or into your daily home life as you are a care giver?

[SteveWife]

It's a powerful question. I grieve the loss of my husband's energy and ability to walk the way he used to. He fights fatigue all day and in the evening he sleeps with me on the couch as I watch TV. But to answer your question: I believe it's important to acknowledge difficulties like this while at the same time, limiting the time one spends thinking and talking about them. Whenever I feel a sense of loss I IMMEDIATELY turn my attention to the positive. You can imagine the list of positive things and at the top of the list is that we are here, still, enjoying life. I focus on that and put the negatives in a box, close the lid and sink it into the deep blue ocean. So, don't think I would want to spend more than one minute for each person acknowledging grief and what we have lost.

[dadzone43 in reply to SteveWife]

Thank you foryour thoughts and ideas.

[spw1]

As my husband lost his abilities, I was still able to see the same loving soulmate. Our daily lives changed, roles reversed a bit in some situations, but we made efforts to accept where we were as the new normal. He cooked me a dinner after work while he could. Brought me a cup of tea in the morning saying he wanted to do it while he could; he always made the tea for me. Slowly he could not do many things on his own. But, we did not spend too many moments thinking of what used to be or what might become.The grieving has come after he has gone. But while he was here we focused on doing what we could do together; that changed each day bit by bit. I had read someone writing on this forum from the hospice of what he would not give to go around the block in a car. We wanted to have made the most of any day or moment that we could so that we did not have regrets about simple things like walking in a park. As the diagnosis was delayed, we were not going to be doing a bucket list of difficult stuff. When he was in the hospice, I spent the whole four weeks day and night with him. He did not want doctors to tell him how long he had. I looked at the tests and reports; he did not want to know. He chose to live right up to the moment he passed. He was an inspiration in tough times as he just got on with whatever life thew at him, with a sense of humour, and I miss him every day, every moment.

Now when I grieve, some days I do think that I cannot mope too much as he would have got on with living and focusing on what we have (two lovely daughters). He would want me to be grateful for having life, relatively good health and the girls. No matter how hard things got with him, we got through them with love. Love is all that matters.

[HikerWife in reply to spw1]

Thank you for this. We are not far along in our journey yet (just over a year with Stage IV, multiple mets), but this is comforting. I know I will be there some day and I wonder how I will get through it all. You have helped show it's possible.

[spw1 in reply to HikerWife]

Hang in there with as much love and positive thought as you can,♥️

[dadzone43 in reply to spw1]

This is strong and true. The tragedy is when the affected person may not permit himself to grieve or even know how to do it/how important it is to do it.

[Blue-Mockingbird]

This exists but is really very underused.

healthunlocked.com/prostate...

[Avanat]

Yes, there has been grieving for some of the losses along the way and also some anticipatory grief. We talk about this in the support group I am in and also in one on one therapy but it’s only one aspect of this disease we talk about. It’s not something I think about too much now as I did when my husband was first diagnosed. We both choose to think about the present and try not to worry about what may happen in the future. When things take a turn we will deal with it then so why worry and fret over things now when things are pretty good? It’s a waste of our energy and disrespects the here and now. I’m lucky in that my husband and I had a great marriage before his diagnosis and we feel even more intimacy now because our perspective has changed. We’ve had a lot of hard conversations about life without him if he goes before me. We are leaving nothing left unsaid and are enjoying every day we have with each other.

Having lost my dear mother last year I felt such grief but have found ways to help myself get through it (not over it) and will use those same tools if something happens to my husband.

[Faith4us]

Thank you dadzone43 for putting this out there. I've heard it described as living with "waves of grief". Like others in this chain, as a caregiver I made the commitment to enjoy every single moment together and take no day for granted. Keeping a 'gratitude journal' helps me maintain and focus on the things we have together: time with our family, laughter during a funny movie, time to talk, a tender hug, good medical care, supportive friends, and more. Filling my mind and heart with gratitude helps put grief in a corner--it is still there, but I won't let it color our life together.