When my dear husband Cleodman got diagnosed with prostate cancer stage four, we didn’t even begin to have an idea of the loss and grief we were about to face. Cleodman was an emergency physician, and I am a nurse, so we were somewhat familiar with the diagnosis. The doctors were there to answer questions and our friends and family for support. But there was an element missing. No one talked to us about our emotional pain. There was no medicine for it, no one to take care of it. It was only us. Between our four walls, we cried, we laughed, we hoped and dreamed. Outside our four walls, no one except those going through the same thing could relate. That’s how Cloedman found his second family, HealthUnlocked.
I am not an expert on prostate cancer nor grief, but I am an expert on my grief and pain. We all are. I once was the woman who knew the world before cancer, then the woman who became a caregiver and now a widowed. I am also the woman that saw the love of her life go through his grief and while trying to keep herself together, tried to be that rock for him.
Unfortunately, we all have this in common, and through this community, I am hoping we can help each other carry our grief together.
Peace to all of you.
Written by
Cleodwoman
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I followed your husband's journey with so much hope. His last few posts brought me to tears. And then came your post. I was heartbroken. I haven't followed the caregiver group much but read and follow the advanced prostate cancer posts every morning and evening looking for similar diagnosis and treatment options to a point of obsession. I seldom talk about what we're going through. It's hard for me to talk without breaking down. I don't want to worry the people I care about. My brave husband would prefer if noone knew at all. He'll share things with me occasionally and painfully. We talk about doctors, symptoms, procedures but the emotional stuff rarely. I feel a build up of something and I'm not even sure what the build up is. I find myself crying on my way to work almost as a scheduled event, just to get it out of my system. My husband & I work together and have been able to find a lot of happy moments. I'm able to stay strong so far but I know it's just going to get harder. And I'm already feeling tired.
Yadifan, thank you for following and supporting my husband's journey. I am still not ok and don't think I will ever be. But it is now that I have the time to somewhat process all of my feelings. I know that just like you, there are so many on here that have that build-up you are referring to. I know I did. It is a mixture of fear, hope, confusion, sadness, anxiety, and grief. Our lives were changed overnight. We are supposed to live a happy, healthy life but when cancer enters it, nothing is ever the same.
We have to learn to live with cancer and the constant fear of "will this be the last year together? The last birthday? The last Christmas?"
I wish I had done more research for my husband.
Emotional fatigue is a real thing. I know how it feels to feel tired of being strong when there's so much uncertainty in our lives.
Let those tears flow and remember you are not alone. I am here. At the time, the only person that understood exactly what I was going through was of course my best friend, Cleodman. He comforted me while he was going through his emotions. I know sometimes we don't want to add to our loved ones' pile. That is why I hope this community can lean on each other and together learn to process the feelings no one talks to us about.
The last! I think that often and try to snap myself back into the moment but I go there anyway. I hate it but I think it also forces me to absorb all those moments. I remember trying to drive home from Greer when it hit me that this might be our last trip. I was thankful for dark sunglasses and empty roads and the Jackson Browne song that started playing.
Thank you Cleodwoman for responding and putting feelings into words for me. Thank you also for moderating this group. I can't imagine how hard it must be to open this website after all you've been through. I know Cleodman made it his mission to inform, help & educate. You must possess those same traits. I hope it helps to know that your words are comforting and helpful.
Thank you all for being here, helping me navigate this new normal. I agree. No matter if it is our husband, son, or father, we all have that one thing in common.
So sorry to here of your lose. Cleod was a brave man who fought his best. You are brave too. He is lucky to have had such a supportive partner. May you find peace in knowing that and in remembering the love you shared. Peace and love to you.
Thank you Cleodwoman for being vulnerable, available and caring.
I followed your husband's story closely and was heartbroken with you at his passing.
My husband is nearing the end of treatments available after a 5 year long battle. I struggle with a daily a rollercoaster of emotions as my Mom just passed as well, so double grief. My children don't want me to be sad with whatever time he has left. I can't fake and hide the emotions that come. I can't think positive or act through this like they want. It's like they are denying the grief or not facing the pain of losing someone we love dearly. Grief is a hard and lonely path to be on, but I know it's okay to cry. Healing comes in the tears we cry.
My wife is still in denial after 4 1/2 years on our journey. She has only gone to a couple of appointments with me. Just erased full post...made her sound bad. She is there when I need her. Hope she will reach out when the time comes.
I am devastated to learn of your husband’s passing. Like so many others in this sucky club of ours I followed your journey through the various threads. We shared a doctor with you and have completed, and look for many of the same treatments As you. You’re absolutely correct about lack of emotional support. I literally have a lump in my throat as I write. Thank you for taking on this group -
I am Flydoggy's wife, posting on his site as he has kind of stopped reading. We are 5 years from diagnosis with a Stage 3, Gleason 9 score and RP. I feel like we have had a sword hanging over our heads for all this time and although he is doing quite well, all things considered, I fear that I am wasting the time we have left together worrying so much about what is to come. This is so very difficult and there is so little understanding and support. Happy to find you Cleodwoman. I followed your husbands posts, he was inspirational and helped so many. Thank you for carrying it forward.
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