Could you cope if your partner left you just as you are starting your third trimester?

[widdler]

Hello all.

My wife has just entered the third trimester and our relationship has broken down completely.

Back in November I discovered that she was having relations with at least two other men via the internet - she is adamant that it was only texts and pictures but one guy only lives a 5 minute walk away and he is a house-husband, and I work away a lot and so there is no trust in our relationship and I have to suffer the humiliation of getting my sons and myself tested now.

We already have a 20 month old son and our second boy is due in April.

I am preparing myself mentally to split and try to provide a nice home for my boys to come to, but I am concerned that if I put the wheels in motion now then it may affect the pregnancy as my wife does tend to act childish when she is challenged and can neglect herself.

My question really is to ask you if you were in our shoes, would you rather things just get done and dusted and we move on with our lives or would it be best to wait till the baby is born and we move on from there?

I have sought some professional advice, and I am also visiting her therapist next week to discuss but I thought I would ask for the opinions of other people going through a pregnancy for their thoughts?

Many thanks

[chamama]

Hello Widdler, this is probably too serious a question to be asked in a forum. Relationships do break down and you seem to have already decided that the relationship can go no further. Are you certain that that is what you both want? You have said that you have sought professional help and your wife is seeing a therapist but what about going to a couples therapist? It is up to you but sometimes relationships that seem completely shattered can be mended if both partners are willing to put in the effort. If you only found out about your wife's online activities in November you probably have not had enough time to come to terms with it. Knowing how to forgive and move on can be the most important part of maintaining a relationship. There are probably other issues in your relationship for your wife to feel the need to go online and for you to disbelieve her when she insists it has only been flirting. Personally I would prefer my husband to stay with me and help support me emotionally through the pregnancy and make genuine efforts to try to reconciliate. You could come to agreements and discuss what you both need and want from a relationship. After the glow of a wedding comes the hard work and our parents, grandparents etc understood that a relationship is something you have to tend like a garden and that you will have bad years as well as good years. You are going to have two children very soon and you owe it to them to at least put in the best effort you can to repair your relationship. Divorce really is the easy way out and should be your last resort - not one of your first options.

[Hidden]

I wouldn't say it would b a pleasant experience but I personally would deal with the situation! I have always prepared myself as unfortunately numerous friends partners walked out on them b4 baby was 6 months and after a few months of visits then stopped seeing the children all together! They coped just fine after getting over the shock of them initially leaving.

Even after 5 years together, a 3 yo and now pregnant again I still won't allow my boyfriend to live with me as I don't want to have to depend on him, incase for some unknown reason he decided to up and leave, I feel it's unlikely as our relationship is fine but still there's a chance so I just never let that escape my mind.

If she's the 1 cheating even if it is cyber she should face the consequences of her actions .

Saying that u lead me to believe she would be left unstable and you would become primary carer of the children ! From the way ur asking.

Does she suspect that the relationships over? That you will actually leave? Could u not cohabbit under the same roof as exs untill the baby comes ? That way u can keep an eye on everything and get yourself in a position to sort suitable alternative arrangements.

How much does she depend on u? Who pays bills/ rent ? Does shopping? Brings money on? House cleaning? Child care?

I take responsibility for the majority of these and my boyfriend wouldn't know where to start but if forced to I think he would manage.

Only u can answer the question ur asking! But she's the 1who put u in that position the 1st place.

All the best

[Skyblueboston]

It's up to you, I have been through a similar situation. The best advice I was given was do not rush into a final decision too quickly, at the moment your feelings and emotions are raw and fresh and like myself I thought I had no other choice but to start again on my own, BUT after councilling, time on my own, time with my friend and family and some serious hard heart to heart conversations between me and my hubby, with absolute truth even though it was painful, slowly and surely I understood were we both went wrong and how things got missed between each other. Two years later we are happy and looking forward to our first baby.

It took me a year to come to a proper decision about wanting the relationship to work, in that time I rebuilt myself but also made changes to help our relationship repair itself.

You say u work away lot, my husband started working nights and we never saw each other, loneliness is a big factor in relationships, I don't know the full story but just maybe she is extremely lonely, not a reason to cheat but definatley a factor!

Could u live in the same house till the baby is born? If u could then i would, if u decide to end the relationship, it's best your there mainly to support the kids coz as u said she could neglect herself maybe the kids, yes she is in the wrong but I feel she will need support coming to terms with the fact that soon you won't be there.

Good luck, I really understand what your going through as I was the hurt person. Xx

[Megzey]

If you do work away alot and she is seeking company/attention from else where then she is probably lonely. It is not fun being at home with a toddler at the best of times and especially if you are away, I look to nothing better than my husband coming home and having "adult conversation". May be try and be around for her abit more if you want it to work. If you have already made your mind up to break up then you have got to do it for all your sakes and not just stay together for the sake of the children. Good luck.

[Monkeyfish]

Im so sorry you are in this situation. Only your wife will ever really know what the true situation is however, as others have said, being alone a lot with a small child can be very stressful and tiring. Add into that being pregnant and you could have a very stressed out, tired emotional woman. I am currently 38 weeks pregnant and also have a 23 month old daughter. My husband works regular full time hours and i am now on maternity leave and i love him to bits. But i find life very difficult at the moment. entertaining my daughter can be challenging and very tiring and preparing meals and doing house work is monotinous and boring! I feel very unattractive (particularly now as i am the size of a whale and can hardly move about!). Assuming that your wife has only been in contact with these men recently it is quite conceivable that it is a bit of escapism for her and nothing more. I think counselling is an excellent idea especially as there are children involved here and dont make any rush decisions. You need to find out the root cause of the problem first and then see if it can be fixed and then if you want to fix it.

I really hope it all works out for the best for you.

[Blue321]

I really feel for you. It is never easy being the one who carries the financial burden, who works hard away. To come home and find that everything you come home to may be a lie, a mirage, must be earth-shattering. I have no idea how I would cope in that situation, even though my father had an affair when we were small and he was working away and was pretty ready to leave. That was no easier for either of them to resolve. In marriage guidance they both had to face up to the parts they played. They have just had their 45th wedding anniversary and are well and truly growing old together with us children and many grandchildren all about. But I know one thing, I would try and clear out any deception from my end. There is a lot you don't know, can't know, about yet. How can you make such a big decision that will affect so many people for the rest of their lives without all the information? Dig deep, find some stillness and ride it out with support from marriage guidance until you have all the facts. At least you will know you have done the right thing.