Equality

[Seabird55]

My baby is 5 and a half months old. I love him like no other love. I am married and love my husband. Before the wee one we shared household jobs etc However, I am really struggling with what feels like doing everything for our little one. I am exclusively breastfeeding but as my husband said the other day when talking to a friend, "She's doing great. I'm just the assistant." I don't want him to be an assistant! I want him to be a parent. He is working loads at the moment - before 7am, evenings and weekends. I don't want to nag at him to perhaps change a nappy, take the laundry out etc, play with his baby (not just put him in the bouncer whilst having tea or leave him in his cot letting him amuse himself for an hour). He takes the baby monitor at 6am to let me sleep until 7am, which seems nice but the wee one wakes, he leaves him looking at this light disco ball and when I come into his office the baby monitor screen is off, he is working and the wee one is awake but no new nappy, not dressed. So then I have to rush to grab a 5 min shower, get dressed etc before wee one is really bored and awake. I do bath time, bedtime routine. And it is the same at the weekend as he likes to go cycling. He does do most of the cooking in the evening though, which I appreciate. I know I shouldn't compare, but I see other partners doing loads and most importantly wanting to. I feel like I have to ask him to do anything for the wee one, otherwise he wouldn't do anything. I feel my whole life has changed but his really hasn't at all. Perhaps only he is working more than before! I feel rubbish complaining as I know how lucky I am to have a partner and he is basically supporting us financially but it is really hard feeling like a sole parent when I'm not actually single. Any advice?

[Seb9]

Speak up! He probably thinks he's doing everything brilliantly! My husband thought coming home and doing the housework was what I'd want, when it actually just made me feel guilty that I hadn't done it and all I wanted him to do was take over baby duties and go for a shower or drink a hot coffee.

Ask him to take over bath times and all nappy changes when he's home and free you up to do some things for you. I was able to wash the kitchen for once and it felt like I'd been in a spa day for the amount of joy I got from it.

I've learnt to be fairly blunt about what I need and although sometimes I feel a bit selfish sometimes but I'm a much happier and nicer person and mum the rest of the time and not seething with resentment.

I've also had to learn to leave them to it and not step in, even if I don't think they're doing quite right. I still struggle now and the kids are 2 and 4, because I spend more time with them, I can read exactly how they're going to react and which battles I would pick to have, so I just have to walk away and do something else.

I also did a finding myself course through my local NHS mental health service which I found really helpful. Becoming a mum felt like it reduced all my other parts abs it was nice to find myself a bit again

I hope it gets better for you and that you're husband is receptive to your needs xx

[Seabird55 in reply to Seb9]

Thank you. I really appreciate you writing. I think you've written to a post from me before. You are very kind.

[Seb9 in reply to Seabird55]

I remember seeing a video the other day where the mum is thinking about all the things becoming a mum is going to mean to her...... body changes, baby being dependent on you, taking a career break, the mental load, the things she'd need to buy to be ready for baby cooking, the pain of labour, the recovery, breastfeeding, sleeps nights

.... then it went to the a Dad and he was thinking ...... I might do a triathlon...It was so accurate!!

Good luck with it, it does get better s the baby gets older and relies on you less, but I do think a lot more communication is needed as partners just don't seem to see the struggle that the monotony and responsibility of childcare is soul destroying and families have changed so much now, we aren't raising families in a village with mums, sisters, aunts just round the corner. Sometimes family members live hours away.

I don't think the Instagram mums make it easier either, they give such a unrealistic view at what life is like. You just cannot live up to the standards they seem to be setting. I don't follow any mums like that now it makes me too cross

Xx

[SRA8]

I recommend the book 'how not to hate your husband after having kids'. I think every new parent should read it. Men and woman are different. For example men are more likely to wake up to the sound of wind than a baby crying. You need to be really clear on communication and defining roles.

[Hidden]

Just to say you are not alone, I could have written this post. My husband works crazy hours and travels a lot with work, he works from home when not travelling. He will look after baby if I specifically ask but more often than not that will be lie her on the bed when he gets on with things. He too cooks the evening meal maybe 3 days a week but that’s after I’ve decided what we are eating, shopped for ingredients, told him what to cook and when etc.

I am quite jealous of my NCT friends whose husbands get up at 5am so they can get a few hours sleep… mine gets up at 5am to go to the gym. I resent that I have to book him or ask him to do stuff, I feel like he should know what needs to be done! I am EBF too and baby currently going through all sorts of sleep issues (6 months) so he sleeps in the spare room and I am up all night! But then I am supposed to function and be happy and jolly all day. I am burnt out to be honest but last time I tried to raise it, it ended in an argument.

We never argued as a couple before baby came along but that has really changed now!

Keen to see what other tips people have!

[Seabird55 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you Daisy. Life sounds hard for you too. Sending hugs your way. Although it doesn't make it better it is good to know I'm not alone. X

[claire16c]

Id just say what you want doing. Don’t beat around the bush. Men don’t seem to take hints! Mine needs instructions. The mental load is real!

[Zeebee14]

Yep, exactly the same here, in fact talking to my NCT friends most of them have similar issues. I don’t have a solution other than to realise that men are different.

Life with a baby isn’t the pretty picture I imagined. I love my baby more than everything in the world and I adore being her mummy, but it gets frustrating when I do pretty much all of the parenting and my DH pops in for 5 mins every now and then.

[Millbanks]

Hi lovely,

Totally agree with the other posts here - I think a lot of men really struggle with becoming a parent in general.

I had a baptism of fire and really struggled to start with, but because I was with my little boy all day every day the learning curve was very steep and fast. However for my husband, he was drip fed over time all the information I was learning, how to look after him, how to feed, his likes and dislikes and don't forget that they change every few weeks. It was so hard for him to keep up and he struggled.

I really felt for him but also felt resentful that he didn't know what to do or when to do it. I had to literally tell him everything, pack every bag, prepare every meal etc - but now we're a bit further down the line, he has more confidence, is much better at making decisions and will take him out for a day so I can have time out. He still defaults to me on everything but I don't mind because I'm a bit of a control freak anyway....

We also both really struggled with my LB's preference for me - because what is harder than being rejected as a parent - my hubby was desperate for a baby in the first place and when he arrived and just wanted to be with me it broke him.

Now we're at 18 months, they have a much better relationship and things have settled down somewhat - our relationship is not the same as pre-baby but it is so much better.

It does settle down I promise xxx

[Lydialego123]

I agree with what others have said - have an open and honest conversation about what you need from him and how you feel.

In my house I’d say I do about 65% of the parenting of our two children, which works well for us. That’s on top of all the “running the household stuff!” I do. My husband is pretty hands on, but often defaults to me with decisions.

When we had just one, we’d alternate who did bedtime (we now alternate the children every night) and that helped me have a bit more time to unwind and get dinner sorted every other night.

I’m happy to get up in the night and early as I deal better with lack of sleep than he does, but If I’m knackered on the weekend he makes time for me to have a nap in the day.

Also we try to make time for both of us to do something we want to do, on our own every few weeekends where we can, so we both get some alone time being an adult.

When he takes over in any way I give clear instructions on what needs doing & when, then he’s pretty good at getting it done.

These set ups have come through some tough conversations between us along the way, but it’s been worth it. Having children is really hard (although lovely and very rewarding too!) but it takes work to find a routine of splitting the responsibilities in a way that is fair for you as a couple too.

All the best x

[Seabird55]

Thank you. Really helpful advice. X

[Hiyaaaaaa]

Just another comment to say you are not alone!But that doesn't mean you should not speak up and find your time out! I know at times emotions take over and even if you don't want to but the situation becomes argumentative which only kills the real feeling that you want to convey and puts you in a bad light. So choose right time, words and be gentle but be confident and not vulnerable.

My husband took all the initiatives when it came to work and what not in the first couple of months, still I missed the partner I had before birth, but because I couldn't deal with postpartum emotions very well could never convey my feeling of being left alone. He still says that I used to cry for no reasons. After I recovered the baby needs have become all mine. he still takes care of most of daily chores but when it comes to the baby he always have excuses that she doesn't want to be with him for cuddles, nap or sleep. Doesn't want to eat from him. He does all that's effortless with the baby like when she is good mood he will engage her in toys and start looking at his mobile and believes he is smashing it! Just then I have to challenge him with increasing difficulty levels, have to give instructions and leave the two together to find myself some me time.