Why can't I decide? Out of my mind.

[VickyMiracle]

I have always been on the fence about whether children were for me. When I was 35 I decided to get fertility testing, just to see the results. I was diagnosed with a low ovarian reserve. Doctors recommended IVF/donor eggs if I ever wished to get pregnant, but still no guarantees. Shortly after these results my marriage ended and I was content in knowing children where not meant to be for me. I met someone new, I'm head over heels in love. He has 2 children (11 & 13). We both came out of relationships where we were never ourselves in and we finely feel loved, understood and have so much in common. We are finally getting to travel and have so much fun together. Now at the age of 38, I have shockingly found out I am pregnant after going for tests for menopause! I have no idea what to do! How do you even begin to decide what you want, when you have no idea? My partner would rather not continue given the choice, but also cannot deprive me of what probably would be my last ever chance. HELP!

[Lydialego123]

I’ve got two children, but also decided to have a termination in between them, so I can tell you my experience of both.

I always knew I wanted children, but wanted to wait till I was married and settled down, my husband would have had them when we were in our twenties, but I wanted to travel and do things that can be harder when you have children. Now I have my two - I love them very dearly and they are the main focus in my life at all times. However, it does change your life completely, you can make them work around your life to some extent but ultimately they are the biggest responsibility. We can’t just pop out in the evenings or do whatever we like now like we may have done before without considering them, or getting cover. That will change as they get older though and was something I was content on giving up when I did. I know in 5-10 years time when I have more freedom, I’ll miss spending all my time with them.

In regards to deciding to terminate a pregnancy, it’s a big decision and I found it helpful to consider reasons for and against. I deep down knew my choice but had a 5% doubt, I spoke to BPAS and had a session with a counsellor which really helped me gain clarity and peace with the situation.

I think with deciding to terminate you need to really know you feel content with the decision, especially if this might be your only chance given your background & age.

Best of luck whatever decision you make x

[FlyerFlower777]

Congratulations! This little baby was sent to you and created from this new love you’ve been blessed with. Like you, was never sure I wanted children… met my partner at 41 (went through too many frogs and toads) and was pregnant at 43, not trying and my little girl arrived. She is our world and the light of our lives. I’m so glad I lived my life- work, travel, adventure… she came at the right time for me, for us, and I consider us IMMENSELY blessed.

I’m against termination for many reasons. So my answer has some bias but I wish you very well. You’ve been gifted even more love in this little miracle! Yes, life changes, but you adapt and I say with confidence, it’s changed for the better in my view. Everything comes at the right time….. including your new love! Xxx

[Jumpppy]

Not sure how far along you are. But maybe get a test like Harmony done to see if it is viable first and then decide? 11 and 13 means your partner has just gotten through the "kid" phase and has mini independents so a baby may feel really scary right now as he's been reveling in "freedom." It doesn't mean that he won't stick around etc., just probably really scared at the life impact. Also appreciate that even if you do terminate he may be sufficiently "scared" that he may leave anyhow. After a termination your hormones will still be strong and you may get mega baby fever - he may not respond the way you'd hope. You just don't know either way.

If you want to be a mom, this may be your only chance or not. It must be your decision. (I wouldn't even discuss with him until you've made your decision as to not be swayed, especially since he wasn't immediately on-board.) He can decide in 5 years he's ready to be a dad again and it would likely be too late for you. Main thing is if this is viable I would hate to see you on the fertility forum in 2-5 years asking if anyone has had success at 40 and regretting your choice. If it's not viable - it's a different conversation. This can be your miracle and not his and that's OK. Or you are OK with whatever happens in the future and will have no regrets.

Good luck!

[July2020baby]

Having a baby is such a life changer. I too didn’t think having children was for me. My marriage failed and I spent my thirties on my own. When I met my current husband I was unable to conceive naturally and so ivf was our only chance. After several failed ivf cycles and early miscarriages and the menopause I finally managed to have a baby at almost 50. Three years on and I can honestly say I have loved every minute of being a mum and don’t miss my old life of freedom. Having a toddler in tow is much easier than I imagined it would be, most places are child friendly and we can still do most of the things we did before ( travelling light is a thing of the past and there are costs in taking a child along too). Make sure you make the right decision for you. Just make sure you don’t look back and regret not becoming a mum. I dont think anyone is really prepared for a baby, we just have to get on with it and learn as we go along, it wasn’t so scary once my baby arrived. If you are not sure I would say just go for it and accept the love and joy a baby brings and forget about what you could be doing without one. If you really are not ready and have absolutely no doubts about terminating the pregnancy then do that. Whatever you do don’t worry about anyone else’s opinions. Good luck.

[Seb9]

I think like someone else mentioned the BPAS can offer good advice around whether a termination is right or wrong for you and can give you proper counselling around that decision. If you've been getting used to the idea of a life without children, it must be really hard to envision what life with a child might look like.

I felt for a while that life without children was going to be my journey and I was pretty OK with that, then my circumstances changed and now I have 2 children. I've actually found it really hard to adjust to being a mum and have struggled with it at times. I don't like the lack of freedom and having to even plan times to have a shower around what the children are doing, especially when they're little and need you 24/7, I find it hard not being in work full time and that my career is taking a back seat at the moment while they're small, even though I'm doing what I think is best for them, me dropping them off and picking them up and being with them as much as I can be.

I wouldn't change my life now and my girls are awesome, but I won't lie and say the adjustment has been easy for me.

[Ealasaid22]

Dear Vicky

I can imagine you're in two minds about your pregnancy, given you have found the man you want to be with. I hope that you have a long and happy life with him.

Can I just give you food for thought... for context, we are the same age.

I have done 15 rounds of IVF in the last six years trying to have a baby. I have not been successful yet, but I will continue to try. I recognise that I am lucky because I still have time, a normal reserve and a partner who wants the same as me.

If you weren't really sure about whether you wanted a baby, you probably wouldn't have bothered getting tested. Perhaps you just didn't think of it that way. But you have got right now, what so many of us are desperately trying to attain, losing our marriages, houses, friends and minds along the way!!

Whether you choose to keep this pregnancy or not is your decision, but I ask you this, what if this is your last chance. Fertility doesn't last forever, family does. Being a parent is far beyond any feeling you will ever have. Your child will come first before all others. Your partners children sound wonderful, but they're not babies. They're entering the 'teen' stage. A baby you raise from birth is a different kettle of fish, it's your baby. And the big kids may adore having a little sibling!

A partner could leave whenever, it's a voluntary partnership, but your child will always be your child. If you ever wanted to be a Mum, this is your chance, you may never get another one.

I wish you all the best with this decision. I hope you and your partner choose the right thing for you BOTH.

Ealasaid x

[Tryinglate]

I have struggled with the decision a lot too, although my circumstances were different. I even tried to do my own research on why people have kids and came up with a few categories to lump up the answers. Still, I don’t know if any appealed to me to the point of actually wanting to have kids. I was pretty single for most of my life until I met my current husband in my early 40s. I had tried to do IVF before leaving my employer as it was a benefit. And when it failed, I also had mixed feelings. I knew I didn’t want to be a mom so desperately that I wouldn’t to be a single mom, but now that I am in a loving relationship (and he has two kids 9&13) things had changed. And I still didn’t know. We finally did IVF (donor eggs) and I now carrying twins. Reading the book single mom by choice helped highlight some of the key questions, so you might find it helpful food for thought even if you are not a single mom

And if you are curious as to why I changed my mind, here are some of my reasons:

1- logistics. I went from a life of constant travel to yearning some stability. And my husband doesn’t like flying much. And his ex is close by (shared custody, every other week), so that meant that logistically I was bound to this place until the little one turned 18 at least. Since I was half parenting and cooking and all that, might as well do it for my own too. The difference in added work is not huge (after the first couple of years)

2- identity. I wanted to incarnate a bit of me and us in the new kids. The existing ones and I have a great relationship but I am not their mom no matter what. So if we end up in a divorce or if my spouse dies early or they decide they don’t want me in their life or whatever, it is gonna be a bad investment for me - so to speak. Yes, the same can be said about your own kids too, but I would hope we would have an even tighter bond and at least the legal ability to decide on a few things in their lives such as their schooling (I don’t like what I am seeing with the “old kids” for eg).

3- heritage. I am from a foreign country to where we live. And while everyone has been super welcoming and I do speak the language fluently, I am still the one coming from the outside who is accepted. But I want to be able to speak to my own kids with my own language, have them visit my home country, eat my/our foods and have part of my heritage as theirs.

4- needs. As my friend put it, on Maslow’s pyramid of needs, kids for me would fall under self-actualization as I have pretty much fulfilled most other needs and this is about the only new experience I haven’t had in life. I am also a very loving person (read: extremely) and I have done a lot of work on myself in terms of self and professional development. I find this could be very valuable to give to someone and could bring me a deep sense of bonding. Maybe?

All in all, if you are hesitating it is because there is no black or white answer and both choices have merit, otherwise the answer would be clearer. Try to work with a coach perhaps? Or try some creative exercises to get your deep thoughts out on paper? Like write a letter from your future self describing how fulfilled you are with having had kids and see what comes out. Then write letter to a friend explaining why not having kids was the best idea ever.

Hugs