Why can't anyone see how much im struggling and that i need help?? *Trigger warning this post talks about depression and self harm*

[Mumof3xx]

This is abit long winded because once i started to type i just couldnt stop so please feel free to just skim over it but please if you have any advice leave me a comment...Im 33 and have struggled with my mental health from being 13. I have attempted to over dose twice and was a self harmer all before i was 21. I have 3 children aged 15, 10 and 16months, i fell pregnant with my eldest at 17 ive always been the best mam possible to my boys they want for nothing. I left an abusive 10 year relationship 6years ago and avoided men for 4years until i met my now fiancee.. my mental health was the best it had ever been until about 6months ago. These past few months have been hell, i dont look after myself and as disgusting as it sounds the reality is i hardly shave, bath, wash my hair, some days i dont even clean my teeth, i cant sleep but struggle to get out of bed. Its like nobody has noticed and i cant understand why, i dont want to ask for help because i feel like it makes me weak and i already feel weaker than ever. I just wish someone would notice how much im struggling to stay afloat yet im still drowing i look at razers, knives and i get the urge to cut so badly because in that split second its something i would be in control of instead of all this darkness controlling me (i havent gave in to the urge) It feels easier to write here than explaining it to anyone else.

[Seb9]

Hi I'm really sorry to hear that you're having such a rough time. It's so hard to see when other people are struggling with their mental health and it's a really difficult subject to bring up with someone of you think they're not coping or that they're struggling as sometimes you just want to ignore it and hope the problem goes away.

Have you thought of speaking to your GP or referring yourself to a counselling service? It's the opposite of weak to ask for help because it takes bravery to speak out when everything in your head is saying to stay quiet. So don't feel that by taking about how you're feeling you're being weak, well done for coming here and talking about what you're going through, best of luck xx

[Mumof3xx in reply to Seb9]

Thank you for your response and such kind words they mean alot at a time like this..Ive been through everything possible from 13 starting with a physcoligist, cbt therapy, multiple medications, counselling, online conselling, talking therapy, weekly check ups with my GP even hypnosis and ive never found anything thats worked there just seems to come a point where i cant fall any further and things get better but this time feels different. Looking at my littlest boy in bed i think tonights the night i need to speak out to my partner. I just hope he gets it xx

[Seb9 in reply to Mumof3xx]

I hope you do talk to someone more about how you're feeling, even if your partner can't understand what you're going through, they sometimes can't understand that the person they probably think is a really strong amazing person, is struggling.

When my best friend was struggling with pnd, I would have said she was one of the toughest, happiest and confident people that I knew, so sometimes it's very hard to understand that how they feel isn't always how they act to everyone.

Sorry to hear that treatment hasn't been successful for yet, but it's amazing that you have tried and please keep trying. Have you kept in touch with your GP through this covid thing? Maybe it is worth having a chat with them just for bit of support. It's been a really tough time for mental health so please don't feel that you're not doing amazingly, the world is a really different and difficult place right now so just by coming here and saying how hard your finding it is so strong. You've had some lovely comments on here so there is definitely support for you here when you need it xxx

[stephkp]

Sometimes it’s really hard for people to see what’s going on right in front of their face, or they just try to explain it away. Could you write down how you are feeling in a letter to your partner. Sometimes when you try to talk to someone about what you’re struggling with, you can end up going off on a tangent, downplaying it, or you forget or don’t end up saying the things you really need to say. Also people sometimes have a tendency to butt in when you are trying to explain, and it can be off putting. Or it seems like they aren’t quite understanding what you are trying to tell them, so you just give up. Writing it down means you can explain everything all at once and then after your partner has read it, you can discuss each bit of it separately. It also means your not getting upset whilst trying to explain what’s going on. Maybe have a list of things that you think may help you out like looking after the kids so you can have a long soak in the tub, bringing you a morning cuppa, or a night where you just switch off the tv when the kids have gone to bed, and you can talk. I’m sure lockdown won’t be helping either so reach out. The bravest thing you can do is ask for help x

[Mumof3xx in reply to stephkp]

I do write things down as it was a coping mechanism given to me by my CBT therapist and to an extent it relives some of the burden. My partner once came across one of these notes and seen it was about him, he didnt take to kindly and called it childish and said that we are in an equal relationship so i should be able to discuss things with him. I mean he didnt really know the severity of my issues at that point and if he had i doubt he would ha e responded in such way but it puts me showing him any of it. I have went to tell him but i just keep taking these deep breaths as i feel its just going to spill out then when i open my mouth the words wont come out 😭. His shift work is abit of a nightmare hes either up at 4am or not getting in until 10pm so when hes on lates i try and let him sleep in and the other week hes out before im up. xx

[stephkp in reply to Mumof3xx]

I’m sorry that when he’s seen it before he didn’t give you the reaction you needed. If the words won’t come don’t force it, just don’t give up trying. It may seem daft but have you tried saying what and how you feel to yourself in the mirror? Just to practice getting the words out first, and you don’t have to worry about another persons reaction? Maybe for you, keep trying for one little success every day and build on that. You don’t need to do everything all at once. Be so proud of yourself that you are looking for the help you need x

[Mumof3xx in reply to stephkp]

I haven't tried the mirror thing as i dont look im them if i can help it because seeing how much ive let myself go makes me spiral even further but i dont have the strenght (if thats even the word im looking for) to change it. I have managed to tell him im struggling but those words 'im struggling' are all i could muster before putting my head on him and crying myself to sleep. Im up with the littlest one and hes still in bed at the moment and im hoping hes not going to push me for answers or big long explanations because i know that i can't provide that. I feel guilty because i know hes going to be blaming himself and questioning what hes done wrong or what he could have done differently but its not because of him in anyway. I guess its going to be hard for him to understand as hes never dealt with depression before until me so its alot to take in. Thank you for taking time out of your day/night to provide such kind and helpful words. I dont know if you realise just how much it means to me xx

[mrsabc]

Asking for help does not make you weak. It is one of the strongest things you can do. You have recognised that you need support currently so please speak up. Speak to your GP as well. I see that you said you have tried many different treatments and haven’t found anything that works for you. That’s not to say there isn’t help out there for you though as you have managed to overcome your mental health issues for some time. Thank you for being brave enough to open up on here & I hope that you receive the support you need xx