I'm about to be a dad, I currently live in london, and the only one in my family that does. All my family lives in South Africa (long story)
I have community in London, they great, however they all single and are weird about babies for some reason lol.
But really want I wanted to know (maybe mostly from women) how can I support my partner, besides financially.
So things that you wish your partner had done, or is doing to support you. My goal is to have a good balance of parenting roles, so we both have energy to keep some of our current lifestyle.
Maybe this is too ambitious, but I'd like to really carry my share of the load. Fully carry the load.
Thanks
Tito
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SibusisoTito
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Firstly the fact that you're asking means you've probably already nailed it.
But things that you can do are:
Take the baby out of the house - she'll need to nap / rest / just have a bit of time when she isn't attached to a baby. There is such a thing as being "touched out" so space is good.
Understand that her hormones will be all over the place - there's no sense to them but just go with them.
Tell her she's doing an amazing job and take pictures of her and the bub - it's one thing us mums tend to do is take all the pictures - she needs some of her too that aren't just awful selfies!
Something my husband and I found was that we had different ideas on what was seen as helping.
He would come in and do washing up, make dinner, put the washing on etc. Because I hadn't done much because I was looking after the baby. This actually just used to make me really cross. I felt like he was almost highlighting all the things I hadn't done.
What I really wanted was for him to swoop in and take the baby, let me cook dinner or tidy up, because I'd been looking after the baby all day and doing chores was more like a rest.
When we communicated about it, I said please can you just ask me what I'd like to do. If I want to cook or put the washing in, you can look after baby and if I want to look after baby, you can do the washing etc. It was a small change but it really helped me to not feel so guilty and cross for my husband being helpful.
Mental load is so hard to help with, at best I would say just don't add to it. Just little things can help like:
Don't rely on your partner to remember birthdays of your family members, or get the cards or gifts
If the car tax, mot, insurance is due sort it out.
If there's a maintenance job needed in the house, sort it or arrange a professional to sort it.
If theres shopping that needs picking up get it ordered and delivered. I say delivered because I would be itching for my husband to get home so I could have a break and if he was late back after a hard day, every minute was like an hour.
Things like that can make a massive difference to a person's mental load.
Let your partner get rest whenever you can. If baby goes to sleep in the buggy, go for a walk and let your partner sleep out take a bath etc.
If baby falls asleep downstairs, hold the baby and let her go to bed, sleep deprivation is cruel!
Read up about the fourth trimester and purple crying. It'll give you an understanding of the first few weeks with baby and how tough it is. If baby is crying and crying some days, let your partner go out for a walk or take baby for a walk. The crying can be so overwhelming, identifying when you both need a break from it is really important.
If you can get hold of a book called 'hoe not to hate your husband after kids' and read that. It's great. It covers all the ways in which the dynamic changes after kids and how you can help with things you may not even realise are an issue. You should both read it if possible.
hi Tito congrats on your new addition to be! I’m glad more dads are thinking in this way. My partner is sooooo much a partner to me in so many ways and still he thinks I do more. I’m not sure I feel I do. In the early days I had a c section so that was when I needed help most. I also had to go to hospital and be away and there was a lot he had to do. He was told by my midwife to have the cot on his side of the bed and so he should do all the wake ups and pass to me for feeding. This was before my emergency c section but I think this planted the seed in his head. He did a lot of night wakes. Perhaps more than me. I struggled with breast feeding so I wasn’t all there and with the c section made things harder. I was truly glad I had a proper partner. Even now she’s 13 months, we Share morning wake ups etc. I definitely needed his help and am grateful he sees it as his job too.
Congratulations! You are doing a great thing by asking the questions.
Pregnancy is smooth if a lady is lucky, but it doesn’t normally happen. Especially at late pregnancy, there many discomfort because the bump is getting bigger. Have a look ‘watermelon challenge’ on Facebook or Instagram you will get some ideas lol.
As the people said above, hormones is so powerful before and after a child birth. She will experience mood swings more often than usual, please do put her feeling as priority.
A new mum is very busy and very often has no time to eat, take a shower, no mention to have a sleep. Do the chores without being asked. Take the baby for a walk so your partner has a bit time to look after herself.
I would recommend you and your partner to get NCT new parents lessons. It covers from birth to life with a new born. The lessons helps you to understand your partner and the baby, so that you know how to give strong support. You will also meet new parents who have close due days and live nearby at the course.
Being thoughtful and caring will make you a great dad and partner.
My other half always asks me what he needs to do which I find so helpful. It could be that it’s been a long day with the baby so all I need him to do is take over with the baby so I can do adult things or there is washing up and dinner to be cooked and he can do this. He knows I’ve always got a list of jobs so knows it’s better to ask what needs to be done!
Sounds silly but we learnt very early on that we are a team so even tho he may have had a long day at work, I have probably had a long day with the baby (and toddler!) so altho the evening is time for us, it’s also time for us to get things sorted for the next day but we share what needs to be done so we still have time together after bedtime
I would also suggest that at the weekends or when you’re not working, take the baby out to give the chance for mumma to have a chill or catch up on things. I really appreciate when my other half does this and it know it’s great bonding time for them.
Hope that helps and good luck with everything, you’ll be great
congratulations on your baby to come! Great idea to post! I think for me it quickly became apparent that we needed to scale back our expectations of what’s achievable besides caring for a newborn for a few months. Depending on how your baby sleeps will factor a lot into what matters most to you both.
If you are together? Then something my husband does which is very helpful is all the nappies during the night so I only have to get up to feed. He also exclusively does bath time which he has from birth but that’s a great way for him to bond with baby and for me to have 20mins to myself.
Ie mental load- you could take responsibility for planning all the meals, keep stock of what’s needed and make sure mama has things to hand easy in the day. Like overnight oats for breakfast she can just get from the fridge when your at work and make her a flask or tea that’ll stay hot if that’s her thing. It’s really just about keeping things ticking over in the house so there’s no crazy build up of washing or no food. It will be hard for both of you so maybe agree now to allow each other 30mins per week to do whatever you want for yourselves and make sure each person gets it. The tough times won’t last forever so just remember it’s all temporary.
Re your friends- make sure they contribute when they come over- make their own drinks, wash up a bit. Pick you up some shopping or nappies.
Best thing I did before I had my lo was to ensure the freezer was stocked with meals which we lived off of the first few weeks.
And remember to talk about how you are both feeling- it’s a rollercoaster! Have fun! You’ll smash it!
Congratulations!! I had nothing more to add than what was already said - so I just wanted to wish you both all the best!! It is the most beautiful journey becoming parents, but also the most challenging in so many ways!! Be kind to each other 🥰❤️
That you are asking already means that you are going to be there for her and the little one. What we did that helped a lot was divide the nights . I did weekdays, he did Friday and Saturday (he works during the week, I work a bit in the weekend). This meant that I got more rest and a proper recharge in the weekend to deal with work. Even when I was still breastfeeding he than on his shift woke the baby up, changed nappies if needed, put him on my boob (side lying feed), kept track of time, got the baby away from me and put the baby back to sleep. It was a blessing.
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