What can I do about my relationship after having a baby?

[MEHTA2615]

My baby is 12 weeks old and since I gave birth my husband has been pushing me to exercise. Today I went for a walk with some friends but did not stretch when I got home. It is now midnight and he woke me up by shouting that I am not trying to get fitter. He believes I am going to get fat and that I have terrible posture. He then admitted that he felt adulterous thoughts and that he does not find me attractive any more. He said that he is considering not having another child with me. I feel like breastfeeding and chores are taking a lot out of me and he keeps moving the goalposts. Would be grateful for your advice.

[MissEd]

Hi,

I'm sorry to say that he is emotionally abusing you. You need to seriously consider your relationship and personally I would be thinking about ending it.

[Msze]

Leave him! He sounds like a total piece of sh*t! I would be heartbroken if my husband spoke to mr like that!

[Beanybeanz]

Hi Mehta, so sorry you’re experiencing this - it’s not right and not ok.

Are there cultural / financial / familial implications involved here? It would be very easy for me to say leave him (which ultimately if this is his genuine behaviour I think you should do) however I know a lot of women are in very difficult situations that are not as easy to get out of.

There are lots charities that can help and hopefully lots of women on here who can give you practical advice as to how to move forward.

Unfortunately what you’re experiencing is a type of emotional abuse but because you’re so far into it you may not realise this (or you might which is why you’ve posted).

Is this his typical behaviour and are there any other behaviours he displays that are also concerning? Do you have a network of friends / family you can talk to about this?

Xx

[Supergirl87]

I’m so sorry! That’s abuse to me! He has absolutely no right to treat you this way. Is there any where you and the baby could go to get away from him? Please don’t suffer with him sending hugs!!

[sweetchild1989]

Hi ya I'm sorry to read the way he is treating you its bloody awful, if your husband dont love you the way you then he ain't worth it, I mean you just had a baby for god sake, I would seriously consider your relationship with him, to me it sounds like you are better off without him, go your own way hun think of your baby and your mental health the impact this is having on you , love the way you are hun dont let some idiot tell you different xx

[triplecats]

Good morning Mehta,

I feel for you so much. Nobody should have to go through what you are going through. In my first marriage this is exactly how my husband started his abuse, after our son was born he would constantly tell me I promised him I wouldn't put on weight after having the baby, it was made worse because we lived with his family and I hardly ever saw my family. We ended up having another child 1 year later and after that all the physical side of our marriage just stopped. The only time he physically touched me was to beat me. He had numerous affairs which I blamed on myself, I stayed with him for 13 years before 1 day I woke up and told myself if I don't leave now I will end up dead.

What your husband is doing is emotional abuse, its how domestic violence starts, first its just words then it's violence, affairs, and you become lost within yourself.

My advice to you would be to walk away, take your child and leave, if you can't go to a family member then get in touch with charities like the samaritans, find a women's shelter and don't look back.

Don't allow your child to grow up seeing how your husband treats you, the child will grow up thinking its normal behaviour, break the cycle and leave.

I wish you the best of luck with whatever decision you make, take care and stay safe

[Applequeen]

First of all, congratulations! I, myself have a 11 week old baby and I know about what you are feeling and the level of tiredness especially because you are breastfeeding. I, unfortunately stopped as my milk supply has now gone because of a tongue tie and because I just couldn’t manage the time to express. So, I feel for you as you need all the help you can get and unfortunately he is abusing you emotionally. You definitely don’t need that! You need all the support that you can get and don’t need the abuse. What he needs to understand is that you are not only very tired at the moment but also very fragile and vulnerable. I do agree with all the other and you need to reconsider your relationship. He sounds like a horrible person and he doesn’t deserve you. If you have family that can support you, talk to them and ask for help.

The weight will go eventually especially cause you are breastfeeding and the woman’s body is a wonderful thing especially with the curves and if he can’t appreciate that then he isn’t worth your time. He should understand that your mental health is very important especially now and the focus should be on you and baby. Also if he doesn’t want a second baby with you, his loss.

Heads up, momma! You are wonderful and every inch of you is beautiful!!!

[Bigblueskies]

Hi

I’m sorry you are experiencing this behaviour by your husband. At this time you need support and validation, not someone setting up more standards for you. Keeping a little baby and yourself alive at this stage is a high enough standard, you really don’t need any more.

I agree with others that this behaviour can be emotionally abusive and you need to protect yourself from it. If he can’t be your ally then there is no space for him in your head right now. You are more than a body and a relationship is more than sex and physical attraction. It took me 9 months after giving birth to feel my body was my own again and some women take even longer. It can also be dangerous to exercise in the first 6 months after birth.

I would consider whether your husband is suffering from post-natal depression. Fathers can also be affected, babies bring so much change in a home! Depression can sometimes sound angry and demanding. If he is already having adulterous thoughts then a part of him is perhaps finding the change too much and is looking for reasons to escape. It’s easy to blame you for thinking about checking out rather than admitting this is all too much for him.

It is very difficult to tell what might be going on in his mind but I would advise that you seek urgent help by the perinatal mental health team in your area so that you have someone to talk to about the difficult feelings this conflict might bring. I am concerned about your need for support at this time. Your GP should be able to make a referral. Your husband might also be able to get some help through this service if you decide to access it, but he can decide that after you get the urgent support you need.

Look after yourself and your little baby! It’s an intense time and if you can ignore his mean words and get some support please do! Xxx

[ToniaB123]

I just want to send you some love and support. You’re every bit as beautiful, if not more beautiful after your baby and if he doesn’t see that he doesn’t deserve you. It’s so hard being a mummy so such a little baby you have enough on your plate without having to put up with that. He should be being supportive. Leaving him is an option. He may also be struggling emotionally after the arrival of your little one, many dads do, so it may be worth him looking into support he can get. I’ll just add that any emotional struggle of his is no excuse for abusive behaviour. You and your baby are the most important ones, so just remember to put yourself first. Sending you loads of love and wishes. Enjoy being a mummy and hope you’re ok xxx

[SimCity]

No man will ever fully understand the pain of having children, the toll it takes on our body, the aftermath, and then having to look after a child at the end of it all no matter how much pain your in. But when a man does not do his best to support the women who has had his baby is truly inhumane. When he tells you he doesn't want another child with you, tell him you dont need one with him...its not his choice. When he tells your not attractive, think about how he treats you and if that is attractive? Also when you look at your body in the mirror, love every curve, every stretch mark be they are mummy body battle scars that are beautiful. Love your new body because your beautiful child came from you. Don't t let anyone tell you that you are not attractive!

[Oliversmum]

Another prospective here.

Is this unusual behaviour from your husband? Is this the sort of thing he would have done before baby was born?

If not he could have post natal depression. (Whether it is or isn’t - there is no excuse for his behaviour). Check out the symptoms and see what you think, if not addressed (medication/talking therapy) things will escalate. Reflecting (blaming) their feelings onto another person is a common symptom.

If you don’t feel like this is the case, consider the environment you want to bring your child up in.

Wishing you so much love and luck at this time, reach out to others for support. Everyone needs help with a new born.

[Sanlare]

If he can find a full time job it will be wonderful including extra weekends . He will be tired sleep eats and go no time to look t you just afew minutes play with the baby and sleep. This is if you still want him to be with you. This how my frien was suffering and when her husband found a full time job he became a good person,before that he used to abuse her mentally and physically but now he is busy with work and don't have time to see any thing and he is a good hasband now.

[Olivecraven]

I’m so sorry to hear your going through this. So many people just assume our bodies will go back to ‘normal’ after birth but it’s not the case. It can take up to a year to fully recover!! He should see your body and love it more knowing you’ve made this sacrifice for him so you can have a child together!! I was told a couple days ago by 2 males, one being my partner that a woman’s body after having a baby is a lot more sexy than a body before a baby, it means your a woman! You’ve been through the most beautiful, emotional, amazing but painful experience! Your body has been through more than it can handle yet you will wake each morning to feed, change, burp and care for your child. Just remember a lot of men would not be able to handle this and not being horrible but I think your partner would be one of them!

I really hope things work out for you! But just remember you have your little one to worry about now, think of them and make sure your both safe!