Partner backing off

[Paganmilo]

I'm 19 weeks pregnant with a planned pregnancy. My partner was against kids for a long time and I was on the fence. As time went on and we saw our nephews growing we decided to go for it.

It's been an adjustment to say the least over the last 19 weeks but I feel I'm starting to get excited about what's coming and I'm trying to prepare mentally and physically for birth and motherhood.

Problem is my partner still gets freaked out a lot. He can talk about the practical aspects of it all but we got some knitted baby clothes from his mum he freaked or when we had a taster session for hypnobirthing he was almost in tears during that as he was so overwhelmed and scared.

More than once he had said to me are we doing the right thing. I told him to stop saying that as this is happening and I'm scared too but we need to look positively to the future. I know he's just scared and would never leave or say we should not have this baby but while I reassure him i can't keep hearing negativity or have to 'mother' him through this.

I love my partner and have had to deal with his issues throughout our 9 year relationship. He has depression that lock down has made worse. He functions fine but it comes out in over eating and staying up late. I support him in every way I can.

But I need him to support me now. I need him to be positive as this is a big change for us both not just him.

He also hardly touches me intimately since I found it I was pregnant. We still cuddle but he says he doesn't want sex at all. That has been an issue in the past and I know depression has a hand in that but after trying for baby then going to nothing and having a growing belly doesn't really make me feel great about myself.

Sorry this is long. I do tell him all this but feel it goes in one ear out the other.

[Octoberbaby2019]

Hey there, I think if your partner isn't seeing a counsellor then it would be good for him to do that. And/or maybe couple counselling. It sounds like he's trying to support you just really overwhelmed. Some fathers will come through once the baby is here but its not a guarantee. Not really sure what to advice. My husband also didn't want to have sex once my belly got bigger like 25+ weeks I know exactly what you mean with making you feel down about it but just remember it's weird for them and they still love us just showing it a different way, my husband just said he didn't want to hurt the baby and sounds like your partner might have the same worries. So he already loves you both. Be strong and also it might be good to have counselling yourself too. Pregnancy is hard, I saw someone until about 7 months and then unfortunately moved but it really helped me take a step back and chill.

[Hidden]

I can relate to the sex part my fiancé just doesn’t like the idea of it it weirds him out knowing there’s a baby inside me. We’re still affectionate I still want it but at the same time I’m achy, sore & can’t really be bothered lol I think it’s very natural for both to be scared of the unknown of being a first time parent I’m having my 3rd & still have some worries yet my partner is so laid back he’s looking forward to it it’s his first baby so he doesn’t know what really to expect I hope he’s very hands on or he’s just thinking I’ve done it twice before so I know what I’m doing so less for him to worry about lol

[Sevy571]

Hi, not sure what to advise but just wanted to send some kind words. Pregnancy is a huge adjustment, for both mum and dad. Men often times see this as a huge responsibility put on their shoulders (even if they did agree to it) and it can be really overwhelming per se, not even mentioning lockdown and his depression. I don't think, from what you say, that he is backing off, just that he is very overwhelmed and doesn't know where to start. Counselling would be good, talking to other dads would be good - can he set up a Whatsapp group with other dads from the hypnobirthing class? - and I'm sure there must be some self-help books for dads to help accept, and adjust to, this big change. One book my midwife recommends warmly (and that my man recommends, I just asked him) is Men, Love and Birth from Mark Harris. There is also this online course given by a male midwife (Birthing for Blokes, birthing4blokes.com/oc/ , 29$) which can probably help him see things from a male point of view. "How to Be a Dad" by Oscar Duke is good too. Sorry I don't have resources for beyond the birth because that's only what I have looked at, but these might be good starting points!

Out of curiosity I also Googled "help I'm going to be a dad" and there are a few articles coming up that could interest him. Or there are books on Amazon with interesting titles like "Man vs. Child: One Dad’s Guide to the Weirdness of Parenting" by Doug Moe or "The Expectant Dad's Survival Guide: Everything You Need to Know" by Rob Kemp. Other interesting books come up on Amazon if you search "parenting for dads" for example.

I think it's important to acknowledge his difficulties. I totally get you though, when I was early in this pregnancy, I felt entitled to more support from him, until I understood that he couldn't give it to me if he wasn't also feeling well in his own skin about this. I'm sure if you give him time and space to grow he will support you ten-fold!

Good luck (and congratulations!).

[Paganmilo]

Hello, thank you for the replies. We have had more of a talk recently and things seem a bit better. He still can't read the baby books though he does read some links I send him online about pregnancy and birth. We have our 20 week scan today and hope to find the sex. I think that will help us both bond a bit with the bump.

Things are generally stressy for us both as we're moving house so hopefully one we find a place to live we'll be a bit more settled.