Lost and scared

[Mummabear91]

My partner has been abusive mentally and emotionally for a good 4 years (please don’t judge, I wanted to leave but to scared to) calling me a cunt of a thing and a fuckwit etc in front of our son we had a massive argument and he told me to get the fuck out the house. I left with my 1 year old son. Now he’s threatening to take full custody of my son (which I literally do everything for) my ex partner is a lazy pig. He also threatens that I’m an unfit mother as I’m on antidepressant and I “apparently” leave my antis lying around. Now he wants full custody when he hardly had time for him before hand. I’m so scared of losing my son. He

[Jwarby]

I can’t give you legal advice but please do not worry about your MH affecting your ability to fight a custody battle- the courts will not find this a reason to give your son to your partner. Please be strong for your little boy and don’t give up- good luck xxx

[Mummabear91 in reply to Jwarby]

Thanks mate. That’s helpful. In my honest opinion he’s the one who has mental issues not me thanks for the response

[Hidden in reply to Mummabear91]

He definitely does have the mental issues. Please don't blame yourself for not leaving. Many many people are involved in mentally and physically abusive relationships and by the time you realise it you have been belittled so much that you are under their hold. Have you thought about calling one of the helplines for support? It sounds like you are ready to leave? Somehow, someday we all get the strength from somewhere to leave. You will find that your mental health improves and you will get the support and help you and your child needs. There is no way that a court would give custody to either of those men you describe, the threat of taking your child away is another way of keeping you down so please stay away if you can. Get help and support from one of the many agencies and get your child away from that toxic environment.

Big massive hugs lovely. You can do this, you are strong and you are an amazing human. You and your son deserve so much more. Xxx

[Kata89]

Make sure you’re somewhere safe, get some legal help. Wright everything down if you’re able to. The mother generally gets custody, I know it’s generally speaking, so hold on to that. Try and be strong for your son. Hope everything works out well for you

[Dreamingofbaby]

Bless u Hun not nice at all. You do not deserve this abuse and def not your fault. Contact woman’s aid helpline on 0808 2000 247 and they can direct you to who the local DVA service is and go from there to get support. You will need legal advice and support to help you through this process but know you should get legal aid as you experiencing domestic abuse. Go to a gp to share your experiences and then that can be proof and evidence for legal aid and they can also refer you to help to. If they trained get the gp to refer u to am iris advocate then they can help you with all of this. They will support u in a safe way and look at all the safety options with u. Know that just because he threatening this does not mean he will be granted it. Prob best not to allow him custody at this time though if is as can be harder to get a child back at times. You can tell him to go to a solicitors and get through the legal channels then all be looked at more fairly. Best wishes. Pm me if want any more advice. I work in this area so lot experience with this. X

[roxannacar]

If every person in anti depressants were unfit parents social services would be over flooding with children. Ever considered you're on anti depressants cause your husband is not very nice!

Keep and texts/voicemails etc that he might send that he is threatening you. Get some help irisdomesticviolence.org.uk... there's lots of info and you can contact them for help.

[Mitt45]

Please please please go to the police and report this. He is abusing you and you do not deserve this.

In no way would I judge u for not leaving sooner, it is a very hard situation to leave. Noone will judge you.

Please please believe in yourself and report this and seek help from womans aid.

Do not worry about losing your son, this is a form of abuse,he is saying this to degrade and have a hold over u.

He is in the wrong.

Please seek help now.

Take care xx

[Sophia34]

Chloe go to the courts near you,go to the reception desk or information desk ask them for an emergency parental responsibility form it will cost you probably about 200.00,take any evidence you have that shows he lives with you and that your his mother,a family judge will sign it I’m not sure if they still do same day services but they used to, if he ever tries to take your son you can call the police and he would have to hand him back to you because you have written confirmation he is in your care,other wise police usually can not do anything as it is a matter of the courts this also saves a lot of time and money

[Hidden]

Hi Chloeee, firstly, well done for walking away with your son! You may say he kicked you out, but you didn’t go back, you made a choice to protect your child and yourself - not an easy thing to do after years of abuse.

I worked in child protection for over 9 yrs so have seen and helped quite a few women in difficult situations like this. Firstly, I am reassure you that taking antidepressants would be considered a sign you’re trying to manage your mental health, not a sign of weakness or a reason for social care (if they were involved) to want to remove your child. I imagine a significant part of why you’ve struggled with your mental health is because of this man’s behaviour towards you. In saying these things to you he is using familiar tactics to scare you and wear you down - because he’s scared of losing control of you. He’s too blind to see that the ‘evidence ‘ he considers could be used against you to gain custody would possibly actually be a lot worse for him. The key thing to remember is that, all the time you’re acting protectively to keep your self and your child safe, that will always be viewed favourably by professionals, whether that’s police, a judge or social care.

I don’t know if you still have contact with your ex, but as much as possible limit any communication with him, for example, could messages be passed via third party? (e.g. Family/friend); preferably change your number or block him, but if that’s not possible then limit communication to text messages (the added bonus being you then have written record of his behaviour if he becomes abusive). He will probably get pissed off about this, again because he loses a bit more control over you. But the distance allows you time to think and not be pressured into making decisions you don’t want to.

I echo what the lady above said re going to your GP. They can record injuries and conversations you share with them in your notes re your ex’s behaviour towards you that can be used later on to support you if you go to court for custody or any other related reason. I’ve seen this work really well for women escaping abusive relationships. Speaking to your GP may also feel more do-able than speaking to police, but if you can speak to them too (even informally), again it’s good to get something on record for later use.

Support for you is also super important right now. You’re being really brave and it would be understandable if you feel overwhelmed at some point. Hopefully you have supportive family/friends around, but sometimes they aren’t around or just can’t support you in the way you need. There are lots of organisations that can off help and advice, women’s aid is great and can help with accessing legal support and, if you want to, help you to put an injunction in place. This website nationaldomesticviolencehel... offers lots of info and can link you into a refuge too if you need it.

If your child still has contact with your ex, then it’s helpful if you can arrange handover via a third party so it limits his opportunities to be abusive to you and in front of your child. If you’re worried about how he treats your child, or you in front of your child (as that would be a reason for you to safeguard him too) you can ‘prevent’ access and tell your ex he needs to go through the courts to make formal arrangements. He won’t like it (obviously), but it would force him to follow through on his threats re custody (or not) and would mean you could then seek legal aid (on the grounds of Domestic violence) to put across your case against your ex and highlight his treatment of you. Again, having the support of an organisation like women’s aid or Solace would be invaluable and mean you won’t be trying to handle this alone.

Lastly, it’s worth putting any key documents (passports, birth certificates, bank cards etc) with someone you trust.

Just to say, I’m not telling you that you HAVE to do any of this stuff but just wanted to pass on info re what I’ve seen work well for other women.

Above all I sincerely wish you the very best. I promise you that you’re stronger than you probably think you are and things can get better x