Husband doesnt care...? !!

[Supermummy]

Hi ladies,

I hope someone can help me I'm 17weeks with my 2nd pregnancy and it's been horrific for me. I have fibromyalgia and i am sick and in pain all day I am taking cyclizine since 4weeks pregnant I've been in and out of hospital with dehydration. I am going through hell I don't have any friends and my parents are far away. I am ver depressed i dont really want to go out ofthe house or talk to anyone. My husband has been uncaring and very unsupportive...I have asked for back rubs and he always falls asleep my feet are swollen and I ask for rubs and he pretends to rub me and then rushes off he finds the fact I feel sick amusing and tells me I'm getting fat and round knocking my confidence to the ground and just today has said what your going through is nothing it's normal just pregnant all women go through it and just found it funny. I told him to leave me alone and I was in tears after that. I feel alone unloved and even more depressed sometimes I wish I could just die! I feel like a burden. Please help me... xx

[graceee]

I'm so sorry I do understand you.

When I got to know I was pregnant I was over the moon. It was long awaited pregnancy, I couldn't believe it all has happened to us. At first my husband was really nice to me, I felt his support and understanding. Then something has changed i suppose it was all because of my hormones. i became nervous and couldn't control my emotions. he started to say that I had changed and he couldn't accept me like a woman, I was getting fat and it scared him.

But thanks god it has passed, he understood that he was wrong and now he is so nice again.

So what I wanted to say, try to speak with your husband, talk to him all the time. Try to explain that you feel offended with your words, I do believe he will understand and accept your words. You are just a pregnant woman and he should wait till your baby will arrive.

Good luck

[KellyTrip]

Hi. Sorry you are going through this and are feeling this way. You should really talk to your midwife about this as she will be able to give you advice etc. Also, look for local pregnancy and baby groups. There will be other ladies to meet and talk to! Definitely speak to someone!

[USMomsey]

Hi,

I'm 29 weeks pregnant and I understand your loneliness and depression. This is my third pregnancy and it sometimes feels very isolating and lonely especially when my spouse says and does things that seem either very offensive or very unsupportive. I've talked to him but the truth is some men just don't understand what pregnancy is about. As much as they may empathize, some just don't get it.

Sometimes when I talk to him he shows empathy but he still really doesn't get it and so even that support feels forced or not real. Keep talking to your husband about your real feelings and how he hurts you and ask him if he would have spoken like this to his own mother when she carried him. There are other scenarios to play out - like sending him articles that you and I would probably read around the tribulations of pregnancy - described as normal but not easy which requires strength to deal with - all the time. These are things he may not know and may need to get educated on. I bet you he has no clue and sees other pregnant women walking around for all of 10 seconds and uses that viewpoint to suggest what all pregnancies must look like. Easy.

Of course - he didn't follow that woman home, watch her struggle to walk, see her complain of her aching back, see her swollen feet, wake up with her countless times at night so she can pee, see her get only 4 hours of sleep that night, get breathless, etc. etc. etc. No - what he saw was a woman for 10 seconds in public putting on a brave face. So - he just doesn't get it.

On a lighter hearted note - to make myself feel better, I watch videos on YouTube of men who either try to simulate pregnancy, the pain of childbirth or wear pregnancy belts. Oh the joy of seeing their eyes open with the realization of what pregnancy or childbirth is, the strength of a woman like yourself to do it for nine months is especially gratifying!! That said - I also realized how little men actually know, which is next to nothing - even for the most caring if husbands in so many cases.

That said, take heart that you are in an elite club of strength that while you may not feel you deserve it, you've earned that badge. After all, when you are in a parking lot and another man looks at you, he probably sees a normal pregnancy and may go home to his spouse and wonder why she's complaining. He is clueless that his partner is not alone with her cries for support and that if you could, you would also share encouraging words of support to her.

Hope that helps and remember - your little cherub will soon be here.

--- Sending warm hugs from a fellow woman who knows you are not alone and that you have an inner strength that many men know very little of.

[mrsoneill]

I'm so sorry to hear your feeling this way. It is so hard when you have other health problems and are dealing with all the pregnancy hormones and changes. I struggled to enjoy my pregnancy as was going through a stressful living situation. My husband was mostly supportive but did make jokes about my weight etc especially when I was at the end of my pregnancy and struggling to get about. I explained to him how his comments were hurtful as he hadn't realised he was upsetting me. Talk to your husband and try to get him to understand how you feel. There are some support groups online you can join to chat to other mums and vent. Also as other posters suggested have a talk to your midwife. What area are you in, visit groups or a children's centre if you have one. I go to a group at a children's centre and it is a lifeline for me to be able to chat to other mums. I hope things begin to get better for you, sending big hugs your way xx

[Georgina_D]

Try talking to your hustand when his brain is fresh (so not after a tiring day at work or during footall or bedtime!) Maybe see a counsellor or consider couples counselling via relate.

Yes some men do not understand but in any relationship it is important to make your partner feel loved and supported, not made to feel alone x

[Mels27]

Honestly that seems beyond 'uncaring' and bordering emotional abuse. Knocking your confidence down, telling you your fat (inference being unattractive), stupid, overreacting etc that's all worrying behaviour imho.

Perhaps he just doesn't know what he's doing, and you need to talk to him. But if he does know and understand the impact of this on you than it's utterly unacceptable to treat anyone like that. I definitely think you should look into conucilling (alone, as a couple etc) and talk to your midwives. Obviously I don't know him or you or your relationship, so cannot say really, but from an outside perspective the way you appear to be experiencing this raises some serious red flags for me.

I hope you get some support and manage to work through things. Good luck with the pregnancy also.

[Supermummy]

Thankyou to all the ladies who replied to my post I really appreciate all your thoughts and advice I wasn't able to reply sooner as I've not been well so I've not able to get on the Internet. I was down with high fever and what was thought of as a chest infection I have still not recovered from the chesty cough but one doctor said it was a chest infection and then when I went for a second opinion the other doctor said it was asthma. You really can't rely on doctors these days...which is really quite frightening.