Unsure what to do :(

[hackett92]

I found out yesterday I was pregnant and was really excited and scared at the same time, because my partner already has a little boy from a previous relationship that he does not get to see at present he isn't happy and doesn't want to keep our baby because he says that we are not in the right place at the moment, I want to keep the baby but don't want to make him unhappy or ruin the relationship, but getting rid of the baby will make me unhappy... we both work and earn good money so I don't understand why he feels that we would struggle... I think I am 5 weeks gone and have an appointment with the doctor on Monday, I am so upset with what to do

[Crs13]

Must be very difficult for you to hear he doesn't feel the same way as you do. Being a mummy is the best feeling in the world so please go with your heart as it sounds as though you want this baby. I know you say you don't want to make him unhappy but what about your happiness? Maybe it is tough for him if he is not able to see his son from his previous relationship and that's why he is saying that he doesn't want this baby. Perhaps he will have thought about the baby more since findin out and change his mind but even still it is your decision. I hope everything works out for you.

[hackett92 in reply to Crs13]

Thank you, I am finding it really hard to make a decision, he says that we will struggle because of our current living situation, but isn't having a baby a struggle anyways? I just feel so stuck and all the excitement I had has now gone because of things he has said but he said that saying he doesn't want the baby is not what he wants to say he just feels the time isn't right, but is there ever a right time to have a baby?

[Crs13 in reply to hackett92]

exactly, having a baby can be daunting for anyone but it is so worth it. It truly is life changing and you wonder what you did with yourself before having a child. If you want this baby, you have got to keep it as you would always regret not keeping them and always wonder what if. Does he say why he doesn't feel the time is right? You live to your means so money can't be an issue when you both have good jobs.

[hackett92]

That's exactly how I thought and I have never lived my life looking back and thinking what if I have always took the risk and the chances when they have been handed to me, and that's how this feels to me. He feels because we live in shared accommodation atm that it isn't right, and that we wouldn't get help with being re housed, and I have tried to explain that we would, he feels that he has finally got his life back and is able to go do the things he couldn't in his previous relationship, but that wasn't because they had a baby that was down to his ex partner more than anything and the type of person she was. Im just scared me doing what I want will ruin us, its making things so much harder.

[Kittyy]

It must be so hard for you. Having a baby is hard but I wouldn't change being pregnant for the world. He may come round if you explain to him it's what you want etc

[hackett92]

I hope so because I don't think I would deal with not having this baby, its killing me the thought of saying to the doctor I don't want it, when that's far from the truth

[Dips4]

My comment is going to sound harsh and I don't mean it to as the last thing I want to do is add any stress, there is only you who knows wether your relationship is right, wether you have strong foundations, if your answer is no then do you want to risk been a single mum? I was in your exact situation along time ago and right up until swallowing the pill I wanted to go ahead with the pregnancy, or did I? I think deep down i more wanted it to cement my relationship, which is wrong and no reason to have a baby. My relationship ended 3 weeks after and I was in bits, but now ten years on and my world is completely different I really feel not going ahead was the best for me, at the time I didn't know what to do. The only advice I would give is stop listening to others and make this decision for you and you only good luck with everything and remember there is no wrong answer here xxx

[Hopeful15]

It's your body. The choice therefore is yours. The decision is yours. Your baby will be a part of you. Relationships are built on foundations of trust, friendship and love. A truly loving person would support you in whatever decision you made. It takes two to tango. Think on this: whatever you choose to do, your baby will always be with you - whether physically or in your imagination. Ultimately you will have to make the decision you can live with.....I've made both on my lifetime and I'm happy I made the right decision for me and the baby in both. Money is not a good reason. Keeping or leaving because someone else told you to is not a good reason. Being true to your heart and making a decision based on what is best for you and your baby is the only way to reconciie the consequences of what you decide to do with how you will feel about yourself in the future. You're never really ready financially even when you're earning loads and have secure jobs because one of you'll be out of work full time or paying serious childcare fees for a couple of years...but that's all. The rest can be begged, borrowed and stolen. You make it happen. Do this test: sit in a warm bath and hold your tummy - think about what kind of a mother you'll be - can you keep this baby safe and can you provide this baby with love so that it will be happy? That's what matters. Make your decision, then test it by looking at yourself in the mirror....the answer will be clear as day....and remember - if he truly loves you he will stand by you and support you in whatever decision you make and you'll his support either way. Good luck.

[LottyB]

When I found out I was pregnant last August my boyfriend was not particularly impressed. He'd never really thought of having kids and our relationship, as much as we loved each other, something was always there to push our buttons and cause difficulties.

After sitting him down and explaining how I felt that this was right time for me emotionally, and putting all the arguments across, after a few days he came round. It really made him step up as a man. He would tell me to rest, and eat all the time.

Now our gorgeous baby girl is 4 weeks and 4 days, and yes its hard, and I cry lots, but she's the most rewarding thing ive done. 😍 and Patrick adores her!

Whatever you decide is best for you, there is support out there. Just remember it is your body and ultimately he can't force you to get rid of it. You need to properly talk with him and find out exactly what it is about your current situation he thinks is making it the wrong time. A lot of men are scared of having babies, whether they've got some already or not, having to 'provide' for the family is scary. Just give him a chance, I'm sure he'll come round.

Xx

[hough]

I agree wiv all the above comments & say u must make best decision for you & baby, factor in ur boyfriend's concerns & discuss wiv him at all stages; reassure him won't change relationship & free time & ask for his support & blessing. Really be sure cos u may regret either decision eventually. I am pretty sure (I used to work for Connexions advising 13-19 yr olds) that if u do decide to have baby u could get re-housed as mum & baby (single or wiv partner) will be a priority - if ur circs mean u wouldn't have space for baby, which u won't if shared accommodation at mo. If after discussions u decide to keep baby, go to ur local council about getting on housing list asap as u could have a wait of 6 months or more.

[hough in reply to hough]

My lo is 11 weeks now & I'm 38 & been married 10 years; trust me the time will never be "right" & being parent will never be easy, but all the really need is love, food, nappies & a safe, warm place to sleep - everything else is just so shops can sell u stuff - 2 different toys for variety a car seat & buggy are all u need to buy otherwise, u can get baby clothes & maternity clothes from supermarkets, eBay or FreeCycle. My car seat & buggy were £110 total from Mothercare - if u keep baby, shop around.

[mrsamy]

Hi. I agree with all comments above especially hopeful15. The baby will aways be with you either way and you may end up resenting him for pushing you to make a decision you didn't want to. Plus you never know with a relationship; what if it doesn't work out anyways?

I've been there, and I took what I thought was the easy way out. years later I always think about my baby and there's help out there.

Here's a helpline for professional counselling if you want to talk

0808 802 5433

It's called life charity. Yes, they are prolife but they give non directive counselling, that is they help you explore all the options open to you either way. they can also provide practical support

[rachf]

Hi hackett92,

I'm sorry you find yourself in this position having to weigh up this kind of decision. I've been there too, infact I've been there twice. The first time I found out I was pregnant, I felt worried and not happy. Fortunately my husband felt the same way. Our situation was a little different to yours, our relationship was secure, but we were living on separate continents and the timing wasn't right. I never felt really connected to or happy about the pregnancy, but it was still a difficult decision to make. I had an abortion, I was 7 weeks along. After the abortion I felt relieved, and I've never struggled with guilt about it because I know it was the right decision for me at that time. A couple of years later, and I find myself pregnant again. This time our situation was different, we were now living together but it would be a struggle financially and would change our very free life. To be honest, my husband wasn't exactly happy when I told him, but he wasn't against it either as we'd originally said maybe the following year we'd think about trying... And what's a year... But the biggest difference this time was that I felt ready, and I was happy to be pregnant. Now we have a 6 month old son, and I don't feel regret about that either!

The most important thing is that you are confident about the choice you make. Either one might seem difficult to you, but one will feel right. Don't let anyone tell you what to do, as it's you that has to live with the consequences of either decision. It's so important you make a choice based on what you feel is right/best for yourself. Your partner might not stick around if you keep it, but he might not stick around if you don't anyway. YOU have to make this choice, and don't be pressured into anything if it is not what feels right to YOU.

I'd recommend going to see your GP - in either case they will be necessary to refer you to the next step, and they will be able to help fully inform you of your options. Marie Stopes also offer free telephone counselling which is great if you want to talk to someone impartial and unbiased about your uncertainties.

Whatever you end up deciding, I hope you can feel positive that you have done what is best for yourself. Best wishes xx