I think I have PND

[BabyO]

write this while watching my little boy on the monitor with tears in my eyes for actually writing down my feelings for the first time.

I'm not sure if I've got PND but it's the only explanation I can come up with for how I feel and I found this website whilst looking for help online. I dont really know where to start so I'm sorry for the rambling.

I had my little miracle boy through IVF with a donor and he compleyes me, I feel like I was put on this earth to be his mum.

I has him through c section and on the way to the ward afterwards with my mum they informed us that my bay visiting hrs were over so she had to leave immediately. I cried into my baby while my mum left in tears and I felt so alone.

I hadn't had chance to ask my mum for advice on what to do in the first 24hrs with feeding ect and I was left to it really on the ward. It sounds so stupid to type it now but I thought my baby needed to be kept wrapped up and his hat on like he was on the recovery ward and it didn't even cross my mind to check with the nurses and its always in the back of my head like what if I'd made him too hot ect.

Also I just fed him (bottle fed)whenever he woke up, approx every 2hrs and it took him months and months to get to going 4hrs between feeds whereas all of my family told me their children were feeding every hrs 4from the first night in the hospital and i feel like if id have had even half hr on the ward with my mum I could have discussed all of these things with her and not just second guessed myself all the time. I dont know why I didn't ask for help I think I was just in a bubble and I just keep thinking could I have given him a better start.

for months and months my little boy hated being in the pram/carseat and much preferred to be on me/in the carrier and I think its because I didnt put him in the pram because I was in alot of pain so he sat with me alot on the sofa or he was having cuddles with famuly/friends and I keep thinking why didn't I just walk him around the house in the pram or just have him next to me in the pram. Also because I couldn't drive he only went in the carseat after 2weeks and it was only once a week to go to the supermarket and I wish I'd put him in it more to have prevented all the crying in it further down the line.

with feeding I used aptamil/aldi version because that's what everyone said to use and it was easily accessible but my little boy suffered with wind alot and I eventually moved to hipp organic and the difference was instant and I keep thinking if only I had started on that my little boy wouldn't have gone through all that discomfort in the first few weeks.

I am still so emotional and cry so easily , especially when i think of all these things that i could have have done better.i hate leaving my little boy to the point that I've changed my job so I only have to leave him(with my mum)2 days a week but the anxiety it gives me leaving him is crippling and I have to fight back tears everytime, even if he's going for a quick walk to he shop. I don't ever want to be away from him to the point where I don't enjoy things that I used to unless he is with me and I haven't spoken to anyone that feels the same, most people say they can't wait for some time away which makes me think that I have PND.

I struggle to sleep when he's in his cot because I feel like I just need to watch him and still check that he's breathing.

I dont know what I hope to achieve from this but I think even just writing it down might help me. I dont know whether anyone else feels like this or if I'm just losing it but anyway thanks for listening.

I dont feel like I can talk to anyone else and I feel like family think I'm doing fine.

[Maria_at_APP]

Hi BabyO,

I replied to you under the APP forum chat, but I am also a member under here. Please feel free to DM if you feel like having a chat. Take care

[PNI-Admin Partner Volunteer PNI ORG UK]

Hi BabyO

Welcome to the forum and glad you’ve found us.congratulations on the birth of your baby. Firstly and most importantly, you’re doing an amazing job as a mum. It isn’t an exact science at all - it’s a steep learning experience with lots of trial and error amd it’s the same for EVERYONE!

I too remember that shock of being clueless with my eldest. I didn’t change his happy for about 10 hrs as I thought he’d let me know when it was full - to my horror I discovered that wasnt the case! We have this incorrect belief that as mums we should instinctively ‘know’ exactly what needs to be done - we don’t though!! Same as you don’t know how to drive a car the first time you sit in the drivers seat, it the same with a baby. You make mistakes, change te hniques plus sone babies easily fall into a routine, others have trouble feeding, pooing, sleeping and that’s noones fault. You are doing your best and doing a brilliant job so try to focus on that and allow your confidence to grow .

It’s really positive you’ve identified certain things that make you realise all is not how you’d expect it to be with the anxiety, health anxiety about your baby, not enjoying things you once did. I’m not a professional so can’t diagnose you but certainly these are symptoms of post natal illness. The good news is that you will recover. I would advise you to speak to your dr or health visitor as there’s lots than can be done to make you feel better. The symptoms you’ve spoken about are very common and 20% of mums have this illness so you’re really not alone at all.

Talking therapy can help massively, maybe medication admitting how you feel, getting support from family and friends, making time for you , exercise are all really great and will help recovery. Do you think you could speak to your doctor? X

[BabyO in reply to PNI-Admin]

Thank you very much for your lovely response x

[PNI-Admin Partner Volunteer PNI ORG UK in reply to BabyO]

Hang on in there - recovery can be a rocky road of ups and downs but you will recover ! You’re doing an amazing job xxx

[PNI-Admin Partner Volunteer PNI ORG UK]

Hi I was just wondering how you were doing? X

[BabyO in reply to PNI-Admin]

Heya thank you for checking in. Erm I'm trying to stay positive and live in the moment as much as I can. I dont want to look back on these early years with my little one and feel like I didn't enjoy him. I havent found the courage to speak to a gp ect yet, I did say something to my cousin but she's the only 1. I had a rough couple of days emotion wise, leading upto my period which always effect me more so I feel like I need to do look into some herbal remedies to help with that x

[PNI-Admin Partner Volunteer PNI ORG UK]

Apologies, I didn’t get a notification to say you’d posted , hence my late reply.

Well done on your efforts into staying positive. It can be hard to do at times or sometimes all the time.

What’s preventing you from talking to gp? It can be hard taking that first step but hopefully it’ll be worth it. 20% of women feel similarly to you so gp will have heard it all before. If saying those words out aloud is difficult, wrote something down and hand it to the gp.

What did your cousin say when you talked to her?

Pmt can be awful with Pni. I had it dreadfully. I was advised that vitB/ evening primrose oil can help or starflower oil and it really helped me. Obviously ask for advice if taking other meds/breast feeding.

Sounds like you’re handling the difficult times brilliantly! X