I think my wife is suffering with PND but I'm worried that i don't know how to help.

[Russell132]

My wife had our baby girl just over a year ago. She has always had feelings of depression before our child but over the last 6-9 months its got a lot worse. We have had a stressful year for sure. We have moved house 2 times and moved to the other end of the country to be near her parents. She started to get irritable and find things to fight about. She doesn't want to go out if she can avoid it. Her family help out where they can but when they cant help it hits her really hard and i know she thinks that she is stuck in the house. She cant drive and doesn't do secular work so feels trapped.

It took me a long time to come to the realization that she suffers with PND. After a lot of denying that there was anything wrong she finally "snapped" and had a really bad anxiety attack and withdrew in on herself so much that i had to take half days to help look after the baby.We spoke a lot about going to the doctors. She spoke to her mum and agreed to go to the doctors. She had her appointment in July(ish) and they prescribed her medication. It took a long time to start helping and it defiantly is helping even though she cant see it herself.

I'm really worried that the doctors haven't done anything else other then give her pills. As i cant be there for her appointments ive got no idea whats said between the doctor and my wife so I don't know if she is expressing her self to them as much as she does to me. Her family I think are getting frustrated because it appears that she doesn't want to try to help herself. As a man I will never know what it feels like to have PND so i really struggle to understand her even though ive had depression myself in the past.

Could she be doing more for herself? IE making her self go for walks and joining baby groups etc or is it a case that, as she says, she cant do these things?

She is a fantastic Mum and i try to tell her that as often as possible but sometimes I worry a bit that when i'm not there (I work full time 50+ Hours a week) that the baby doesnt get as much attention as she needs. It seems no matter how tactful I feel im being im always in the wrong when im concerned that the baby isn't getting her nappy changed often enough for example.

I'm sorry that ive rambled on a bit but i'm feeling a bit helpless at the moment and really don't know what I can do to support her and help her on her road to recovery. Any advice on how to communicate to her in a way that wont put her on the defensive will be very much appreciated.

[Hertshopeful]

Hi Russell, I read your message and it brought all my memories of PND come flooding back! I too suffered in a similar way to your wife, although as I'm a single mum I managed to keep it hidden a lot of the time. I found the health visitors (in the early days) and the doctors useless to start with. I kept telling the HV that I had PND and she just brushed it off and said I was tired and overwhelmed (understatement!) Eventually after much pushing and a change of doctor I got them to recognise that I was ill, not just tired. I was prescribed meds which I resisted for a long time, but eventually took, and they also referred me for counselling and CBT.

Like your wife I have had periods of depression before but PND was off the scale. I pushed people away, was anxious, panicky and at times just didn't want to be here. You ask what you can do to help and it sounds like you're being amazing. I wish I'd had someone by my side to support me. You can't do much more other than be a rock, but you are right that your wife needs to take baby steps to get better: taking walks, going to groups etc. It may be a slow process but it's the little things that make the biggest difference. CBT helps you to see this; if your wife cab get a referral then the CBT counsellor will help her put back things that give her pleasure, however small. These then eventually grow and the balance is restored. Eventually the most helpful thing for me was going back to work - being away from my son helped my brain to calm down and for me to feel human again.

I hope this helps, please get in contact again if you want to talk more, you are doing an AMAZING thing for your wife, she is a very lucky girl and soon she's come through this and you'll have her back again.

Debs xx

[Russell132 in reply to Hertshopeful]

Thank you very much for replying. I was apprehensive at first about posting on forums because a lot of forums are not very nice!

Its good to hear that i'm doing the right things (and not doing anything drastically wrong) and from somebody who has suffered with this too. Its nice to know that if we keep working like we are that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I was thinking about CBT and am glad that you found it helped. Ill defiantly suggest she mentions it to her HV and DR.

Thanks

[rocky77]

Hi

I just came across your post and just wondered how you managed with your wife's pni. It's an extremely awful illness which affects not only the sufferer but also their nearest and dearest.