So, the Scene is set and a Lifetime's Ambition fulfilled...
After my recent talks to PMRGCA local groups, I receive a phone call out-of-the-blue from a BBC researcher and am invited to appear on the BBC’s long-running weekly ‘Meet the Author’ programme, hosted by the venerable James Naughtie. So, I set-off excitedly on a long journey from WSM to the BBC HQ in London UK for a Once in a Lifetime opportunity.
(For those of you who aren’t BBC followers and / or live outside of the UK, James (aka ‘Jim’) Naughtie is a veteran TV journalist and interviewer with a soft but solemn Scottish accent. Famed for his incisive intellectual analysis of Best Selling authors’ Lives and often Autobiographical writings about the deeper - and sometimes darker - side of Life, Society and Humanity, he pulls no punches in getting to the Truth).
To be honest, I don’t enjoy the Limelight and always feel a bit nervous about appearing on the Telly after countless sightings on CCTV at my local supermarket. But this is a Golden Opportunity, and too good to miss. Not just to promote my silly book but, more important, to promote PMRGCAuk and its valuable work.
So, I’m going to give it my Best on behalf of Us Lot of PMR and GCA Survivors.
The pre-Show preparation goes quickly. First, Security. No, I am not a ‘Risk’. Then, Make-up Department. Sharon diplomatically tells me that, at my advanced age, I’m (q) “too far-gone for any mascara to make a difference, Luvvie”). I quickly get passed-on to the Production Team who tell me which cameras to look at, when, and why.
Ok, sorted and ready to face the formidable Jim…
The studio lights come on, the credits and cameras roll, and the interview commences.
Jim (with usual gravitas): Tonight on ‘Meet the Author’ I talk to Mark Benjamin, creator of the Best Seller ‘Write Me Funny - Ramblings on The Lighter Side of Polymyalgia Rheumatica and Giant Cell Arteritis’. I hear that you’ve sold more than 1.3 million copies of your first novel in the first 2 weeks of publication. What was the inspiration for your ground-breaking book?
MB: Well, I was struck-down with a Life Changing illness called Polymyalgia Rheumatica a couple of years ago and… (goes on to tell personal PMR story, about the HU blog, and how the book got wrote..).
Jim (slightly incredulous): but 1.3 million sales of your Humorous Novel in just 2 weeks? This is a phenomenal achievement for a previously unknown author. What, exactly, is the secret of your uniquely engaging Humour?!
MB (cheekily parodying Mr Spock from TV’s Star Trek): It’s Humour Jim, but not as we know it…
Jim (grudgingly going along with the joke, but raising the game): So what’s your impression of Mr Spock?
MB (in tit-for-tat style): Sorry Jim, I don’t do impressions - I’m just a humble Author!
Jim (now groaning): Give me strength, this is supposed to be a serious, intellectual TV Show. Please play the Game!
MB (getting back on message): I can’t verify the sales figures, but that’s what six-and-a-half of my dedicated PMR and GCA Followers have reported SHOULD be the case. Personally, I’ve despatched about 100 copies. Maybe there’s been a mistake in the sales data? Us Lot with PMR and GCA can easily get things mixed-up in terms of concentration and detail. Also, it’s NOT a Novel - just a collection of silly and humorous ramblings on my own PMR journey. I’ve sold 2 copies in the USA and 1 in Australia. So the ‘International Author’ bit is accurate, at least.
Jim (irritated, but fighting back): So, Mark Benjamin, for reasons that escape me you manage to get on to my BBC Show under the guise of being a Best Selling Author. But you’ve only sold a pid**ing 100 books?! What will my Producer say - and my Audience too?! My reputation with the BBC is at stake! Oh well, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. So, what’s the Central Philosophical message in your book?
MB (rising to the challenge): It’s simple really. People with chronic Auto-Immune illnesses like Us Lot with PMR and GCA often welcome some innocent fun and laughter to cheer us up when we’re having a Tough Time. And.. ANY publicity in raising awareness for our Cause is better than none - however we achieve it. We at PMRGCAuk are in a Minority here, compared with the Major Charities. Does it matter whether I’ve sold 1.3 million or 130 books so long as the Word gets around? And, as for the ‘Fake’ Sales Data? Better check things out with your Researcher. Ha - Touchee!
Jim (un-phased - and now pressing MB intellectually): Ok, we all like a bit of ’Silly Fun’ - even me. But what’s the Unique and Compelling Existential Message around its purpose and benefits as you describe in your book? In other words, how does ‘Bonkers-ness’ - as you describe it - confront our Societal Notions and Cultural Norms in an increasingly Anarchic and potentially Subversive Literary World? And.. how do your, er sorry but, Inane Ramblings contribute to this in a Quantifiably Therapeutic way?
MB (groaning and rolling eyes): Ohh, sorry Jim - but with PMR, the Preds and Brain Fog and I don’t do big words and concepts. I just like to make people SMILE - however I do it. It’s 4 p.m. and I'm overdue for my morning ‘nap’. On a separate note - have you got any FAGS on you? My brain hurts and I’m gasping for a smoke after all this Intellectual Analysis-Paralysis.
Jim (hastily orders the cameras to ‘CUT!’ - and now adopts a more informal tone): Ok MB, meet me behind the BBC bike sheds in 10 Minutes! Row 27D. Me, Jeremy Vine and John Humphrys often meet there for a Roll-up fag and a moan about the sad state of ‘Aunty BEEB’ nowadays. On our pitiful salaries of a few hundred grand per year that’s all we can afford in the smoking department! Rumour has it that even some of the BBC ‘Girls’ will be joining-in soon. I’d like to see THEM try to make and smoke a proper ‘Rollie’ like us Lads do. That’ll sort-out the Men from the Boys, ohh, er, Girls. OMG.. I need a drink. This Gender Equality stuff is doing my head-in. Fancy a beer..?
MB (now in un-characteristically Hard Negotiating style): Ok Jim, Here’s The Deal! YOU broadcast our interview and promote PMRGCAuk and I’LL keep your BBC secrets, er, secret with my Followers in PMRGCAuk. Like with the Brexit negotiations: DEAL - or NO DEAL! And, yes please, mine’s a pint.
Jim (now, unusually contrite): Ok MB, and just for your PMR GCA ‘Lot’, you have a Deal. My precious Show will be aired nationally next week, and I wish you good luck in your equally precious Mission. By the way, I’ve been feeling very stiff and painful in my neck, shoulders and back recently in the mornings. To be honest, it’s a Bu**er as I can’t get dressed without some help from my young and fit Taiwanese Housekeeper - but she’s away on holiday next week. I can’t do my Show in just my boxer shorts - I’ll be a laughing stock with my viewing audience. You seem to be a bit of an expert in these things. Any idea what it might be..?
MB: I’ll put you in touch with a few people who can help via the Charity PMRGCAuk. I’m well-connected with some other ‘Aunties’ there who might just know how to advise you.
On that note, 'Jim' and I shake hands. I say Goodbye and, dodging the Paparazzi, jump into the back seat of the trusty Limo where my chauffeur ‘Tedski’ is waiting to whisk me back to the South Wing at Benjamin Mansions in a peaceful WSM UK.
Result? BBC ‘Meet the Author’ Mission Accomplished: and, more important, a well-deserved ‘plug’ for PMRGCAuk in the national 'Mee-Jaa'.
And then…
I awake abruptly from my night of Exciting and Surreal Dreams, the enigmatic Tedski standing obediently at the foot of the bed with my daily 3 mg Preds, a mug of strong coffee, a bacon sandwich and a curious smile on his furry face - as usual.
Tedski (eagerly dispensing the morning goodies): Meestaire Krrayzzee Markovitch, er, ‘Boss’, you haav funny drreemes agane iznit? You rrroll fags een yourrrr sleeep and talk in fuernny lingo. A beet lika daat Jim McDoughnut guy who yoo often votch on zee TV. You ok-ski ‘Mate’?
MB (rubbing sleepy eyes): Ohh, Tedski, I’ll explain some other time - you couldn’t make-up this kind of stuff.
...Or could you..? As usual, I blame YOU LOT for encouraging me to write this nonsense - and for reading it in the middle of the night. Haven’t you got better things to do?! 
Happy Days - and may Dreams come True for all of Us Lot whoever and wherever we are in the World.
Best wishes and try to keep smiling on the PMR GCA Journey.. 
‘Uncle’ MB
Ohh, read between the lines..! ;-). Just another (as usual) spoof story - but hopefully it will raise some interest in the right places and with the right people. We'll see. Wow, meeting 'Jim' and HRH must have been a great privilege!
