out in the wild west a skinny little cowboy goes to mount his horse when he notices that ssomebody as painted it bright orange,seething with rage he runs into the saloon bangs his fist on the bar and demands to know which dirty low down son of a gun painted his steed,rising to his feet this six foot man mountain growls i did why? the little fella looks at him all sheepish ,gulps and says i've just come to let you know the first coat is dry
.
Nice one Floppy,
So lets get the funnies flying
Al
An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.'
The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'
The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'
The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'
The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'
True tale but funny!
My Uncle took his Grandma to the seaside in the 50s as she had never seen the sea before.
When they arrived at Scarborough the tide was in so could not go on the beach and took the tram to top o'town.
Later in the day they went back to sit on the beach the tide was out.
Gran said ''wheers all t'watter gooan''?
Uncle replied. ''Weea, thev bin sellin' it a penny a bucket''.
Gran. ''Eebygum, thev selt a lot o' watter''!
You guys are a scream. Thanks. xox Pat
so...... these two Irishmen walk out of bar........
what?......... Well it could happen!
Drowning me shamrock
down by the bay
Dreaming about a Brit who was generous and loving...
Well it could happen
More more
LOL!
In a village in the mountains, a little old man with a beard and a young girl set up a stall in the market place one day, selling bottles of homemade medicine, labelled ‘The Elixir of Life’.
‘Come on, everyone!’ the old man called out. ‘Don’t miss your chance to beat ageing. This is your opportunity to buy Archie’s miracle medicine. It’s the only medicine that cures old age. You only have to look at me to see the proof. I’m two hundred and five years old.’
A crowd quickly gathered around the market stall, and the old man and the girl were kept busy handing out the bottle of medicine and taking the money.
There were two younger men in the crowd, and one of them said to the other, ‘You don’t really think he’s genuine, do you?’
‘I don’t know. He might be telling the truth. He’s got an honest face.’
‘You’ve got to be kidding! said the man. ‘He must be lying. It has to be a trick.’
‘Well, why not ask his assistant, then, if you don’t believe it?’ suggested his friend.
So the man approached the girl and asked. ‘He can’t really be that old, can he? That’s completely ridiculous. Tell me the truth, is he really two hundred and five years old?’
‘I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t really say.’ the girl replied, ‘I’ve only been working for him for the past seventy five years.’
A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
The Scotsman man shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor thatâs full Oâ coos Sharn'
(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow s ** t.)
The man shouts back 'I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you'.
The Scotsman man shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.'
And he did!
Brilliant,my hubbie loved the jokes ,he is sitting laughing now what a brilliant pick me up.
A true story, but appropriate for this mood:-
I went to my local Sainsbury's this morning, and they are promoting their reward card, the Nectar card.
Several of the young ladies had been given teashirts to wear with the word Nectar boldly emblasoned accross the front.
I didn't dare ask which aisle I could find it on.
Adrian
nglish man ,irish man scotsman plummeting to certain death in a plane with only 2 parachutes all of a sudden the irish man grabs a chute and says he is the irish quiz champ and is in the final tomorrow and disappears out the door the englishman turns to the scotsman and says dont worry theres still two chutes the brain of ireland as just left the plane with my rucksack!!! meanwhile the irishman falling to earth opens the bag and out tumbles a flask and a sandwich and he says ar bejapers it must be a long way down they've packed me lunch!!
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.
As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt." She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth.
Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us! Now, he must be rewarded!" So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away.
Some time later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt... and saw where the blue ribbon was tied. After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said... "I donna know where y'been lad... but it's nice ta'know y'won first prize!"
Thanks for all of the good laughs! We need jokes everyday on this site...Have any others, Alsh59?
A plane was shot down over Iraq and Saddam Hussain captured a Scotsman,an Englishman and an Australian. Saddam says "I'm not as cruel as George Bush says I am You will be given 50 lashes each but you can have whatever you want on your back"
The Australian goes first and asks for the finest Kangaroo hide there is to cover his back. This is granted and he receives the kangaroo hide before he receives 50 lashes. His back is all torn and bleeding but he survives.
The Englishman says "I will take it as it comes I will have nothing on my back and will be proud to bear the scars" he shouts defiantly"Stiff upper lip you know eh what" His wish is granted and he receives his 50 lashes, his back torn and bleeding, his ribs fractured and protruding, a terrible mess to behold.
"Now Jock It's your turn you have the same choice as the other two what would you like on your back" says Saddam.
Jock replies quickly and without hesitation "I'll have the Englishman"
heard about the new irish parachute ...........it opens on impact
what do you call an indian kareoke singer.........gerupta singh
whats black and white and red all over....... a newspaper
what do you call a muslim with a sheep ....... mohamed asalamb
Jock & Jimmy were walking along a street in London.
Jock looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.
The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".
Jock said to his pal, "Look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of these and when we get back to Scotland we could make a fortune.
Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think we are cheap Scotsmen and try to screw us. I'll put on my best London accent".
"OK Jock, I'll keep me mouth shut" said Jimmy
They go in and Jock said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load them on, old chap!
The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Scotland, aren't you?"
"Well yes," said a surprised Jock. "What gave it away?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners........" !
I laughed out loud at both of these!
Keep this going! A laugh (or more) a day is good for the soul! Love this idea!!
Blessings,
Carol
Jock and a Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached. "May I get you something?" she asked. "Aye, a whusky" Jock replied.
She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he'd like one. "Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to America than drink whisky!"
Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying "Och, Ah didna ken there wuz a choice!"
Last one for today
Al
my wife asked me last night if i wanted super sex well i studied for a second and said i'll have the soup!!
Hooray for Choice!
Nice one
,
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Gabriel the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed
downwards through the clouds,
"Look Gabriel, look what I've made."
Archangel Gabriel looked puzzled and said,
"What is it?"
"It's a planet", replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".
"Balance?" inquired Gabriel, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example,
Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern
Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."
"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries.
And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly.
And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a hot spot.
Can you see the balance?"
"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a small country in Northern Europe,
"What's that one?"
"Ah" said God. "That's Scotland, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful snow capped mountains, untouched rivers, streams and lochs of exquisite, timeless beauty.
The people make a drink called Uisge Beatha or Whiskey which means "The Water of Life".
The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be
found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as warriors, engineers, inventors and pioneers.
Gabriel gasped in wonder and admiration but then said
"You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely.
"Wait until you see the bastards I'm putting next to them!".
Quasimodo walks into a bar and orders a whisky....barman asks "bells alright sir?"...quasimodo replies angrily "mind your own f***ing business!!"
A white horse walks into a bar and orders a drink....barman says "hey we`ve got a whisky named after you!"....to which the horse replies "what, Kevin!"
A man walks into a bar..."OUCH!!".....it was an iron bar!
Tapeworms and Parkinson’s
Dr Espay - The missing ingredient for successful disease modification in PD - Recording available
Had To Come Off All Meds and Supplements 5 Days
