Goodbye & Good riddence

Dear 2015

I don't like wanting to put a year behind me, but I am so pleased to watch 15 fade. There were of course many magical moments, days with friends, laughter and kindness. However a hideous scar cuts deeply, leaving in it's trail a wake of blackness and despair.

As I desperately tried to cling onto my life my fingers slipped and I fell. No one saw me, it was invisible. No one could hear my silent screams. No one came, because I didn't call. Until it was nearly too late. I stood on that abyss for a long time, not even knowing I was there. One thing and one thing alone has saved me. A man. So compassionate, so honourable, so noble. He watched a monster consume me without knowing how to help, or what to do. Then through the tiniest of cracks as it all crashed down around me I held out my hand. He recognised it, it was his wife's.

I'm getting better, it's a long painful and slow process. I have my sleep back, I am finding my self again, I am so grateful.

Illness throws up many challenges. I never expected to have to fight to save my sanity, but that was on the line.

The drugs we take can do untold damage, I understand and know I was a victim.

I won't spend my time consumed with blame, injustice, or self hate. I have an apology for the untold damage, full responsibility taken for what happened to me and that's enough. I have helped to set up a water tight procedure to ensure it does not happen again. Line drawn.

I'm busy getting my life back, letting it go, and looking ahead.

Thank you to those who have helped me so very much. And to everyone your compassion tolerance and patience is deeply appreciated.

Peace & gratitude



27 Replies

  • Colleen,

    It has always been so delightful sharing with you, admiring your strength and wisdom. In this forum, we often fail to notice when someone goes silent, as we all will some day.

    I am so happy to hear that you have ferreted out the cause of your recent discomfort and have dealt with it. This path is so difficult. They are the professionals. Are we just being impatient, or paranoid? It takes wisdom and self-confidence, yes and GUTS, to make a stand. I admire your courage.

    I wish you the very best for 2016 and beyond.


  • My heartfelt thanks to you for your generosity x have a lovely Xmas and much joy in 2016

  • so many do not reach out or ask for help. I know my husband was very stubborn that way. I would try to anticipate his needs so he wouldn't feel like a failure asking me to help him.

  • No we don't for me it was denial and pride. Luckily I married a noble man, a man of great integrity. I count my blessings.

  • 😘

  • Colleen

    I have missed your posts, but had no idea you were having such a traumatic time. A lot of familiar names have disappeared, for one reason or another. There are very few names I recognise now. I have enjoyed seeing your name and knowing you would not disappoint. Do try to stay strong and if you need a friendly shoulder to lean on, I will always listen.


  • Sue, thank you so much for your unbending support it truly means so much

  • I am so very happy to read your comments again. I have been wondering about you and how you were doing. Your posts are so very lovely and positive. Please hang in there and get strong again. You have been an inspiration to me since I found this site. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and hope that things get better for you.

  • You are so very generous and kind. I thank you deeply

  • I am new to the forum. May I ask what happened to you and why?

  • It's a very long story but I had an acute reaction to one of my drugs.

    Main thing is I am getting better :-)

  • Are there any lessons you'd pass on to the community and so we don't fall foul of the drug Colleen?

  • Yes definitely....

    1. Be very mindful of any behavioural changes

    2. If you start to feel numb/emotionless please talk to someone

    3. If you become obsessive about anything recognise that it could be potentially damaging and if it's new to you then it's not 'normal'

    4. Be honest with yourself and everyone who matters

    5. Don't hide things

    6. If you find yourself in difficulties however 'bad' the situation is it CAN be resolved

    7. Don't put on a brave face

    8. Be strong and have courage

    If you think any of the above applies to you, act straight away. If you feel you have no where to turn you can turn to me

    I have proved that no matter how strong you are, you can crumble.

    In my case it was 100% not my fault. That's taken me a long time to accept, and I'm not fully there yet. But I will recover. I have the support and care of my husband and Neuro team. I'm

    Lucky. :-)

  • So its more like attitudinal/self awareness dangers than specific meds that you'd counsel us against? Were you averse to a drug that you hadn't taken before?

    I'm new here Colleen; How long have you been dx'ed out of interest?

  • I'm 13 years. I wouldn't give any drug advice it's not my place to. I suspect any drugs can be potentially destructive when we are involving the brain. I had an acute reaction to one of mine, and it exhibited itself in behavioural changes. They became catestrophic for me. My list identifies some of the symptoms/signs I had that something was wrong and I ignored them.

    I want to be helpful but not alarmist. I'm trying to be responsible.


  • Thank you for sharing your experience with us Colleen and your excellent advice. Thank God the nightmare is over. Welcome back!

  • Thank you so very much

  • I to had a problem with my meds. To me my actions seemed normal. Try and listen to the ones that are close to you they will see the problems. It only cost me money because my love ones new that it was the drugs and not me. If any one wants to know what i went thought just send me a message and i will tell what happened and what meds i was taking.

  • So glad you are ok :-)

  • What is your email Baily_of_ Texas?

  • Dear Colleen,

    I'm so very sorry you went through such a difficult time and that none of us knew that you were suffering. Things can creep up on us so subtly sometimes. It's shocking really what our brains can do to us. I'm so glad you and your husband were able to figure out that it was your med that was the causal factor. I wish you the very best and hope the next year is much better for you.

    Aloha nui loa,


  • Thank you so very much

  • The dawn that comes after the darkest night floods the space around us with light.

    To capture that light and save it for the next dark night is the hard part.

    Thank you for your transparency. As another "teenager" 14 in this journey I appreciate the light you show that is a beacon to many.

  • Sincerely appreciated

  • Always glad to hear your check-ins, Colleen. Your honesty is therapeutic and, thankfully, contagious. You've been through a lot. Hearing you, I feel like I, too, can adopt that courage. You deserve a clearer, brighter 2016. I'm in there rooting for you!

  • You & others keep me going, thank you so kindly!

  • I missed this the first time through. I think the drummer gives good warning so I thought I would bring it back to the recently active so others will see it also. One of the strongest most self reliant people we have here , fell into a hole. It can happen to anyone, beware . I have climbed out of one also caused by medication, well not out but I can see the top from here. Colleen a poem from you might help, ( help me that is) or maybe a drum solo.

    May you be happy Colleen. don't stop posting.

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