"How are you?"

[ecnico15]

Struggling daily with chronic neuropathic pain often leads to prying questions. "How are you doing?" "Are you alright?" I hate sympathy more than the pain itself. How do you answer?

[Hidden]

Hello

We all are asked the above, only you the sufferer know how you are, people are I suppose taking an interest.

I suppose you can take the questions that are been just spoken as a question that they need to ask, although they are awaiting a cursory reply. like well I am ok, the subject is now dead, they move on to what the puppy is doing.

The question you will need to ask yourself is what do you want people who know you too say??.

Sadly I have been in chronic pain now for thirty years, I like you wonder what we want people to say ??

Would you want the person not to acknowledge you, Able bodied, ask their friends how are you, how is it hanging,? whatever.

Take it for what it is a greeting that can get lost in a conversation, do you extend and elaborate, or just say fine.

We can be too techy, you want to be treated as a healthy human who does not accept acknowledgements,

Life is a bitch, do not make it worse, be you and accept what you are, let people acknowledge who you are or you will loose that acceptance.

Good luck,

BOB

[ecnico15 in reply to Hidden]

Wow, right, ok. What you say makes sense. Thanks

[welshnut]

How are you?

I usually answer with the required response, all fine here thanks how are you?

Good friends and those that really care will say ok now how are you really? and then I know they are asking because they really want to know, because they are my friend and they want to make sure I am coping and if not why not.

I do not like false sympathy, that patronising 'you cope so well' comments but true understanding or an attempt to understand is always welcome. If one of my friends is struggling I am genuinely concerned about them and want to help it is nice to get that reciprocated.

I hope that this helps

nutty

[ecnico15 in reply to welshnut]

Thank you. I hadn't thought of it like that.

[pinknosedcat in reply to welshnut]

I completely get where u r coming from Bob but in my experience people ask questions for

all sorts of reasons and some are not entirely altruistic. For some reason using a wheelchair or stick seems to give certain people the idea that your medical status is open for public debate/information. Over the years you must have had the same kind of experiences...people appearing over interested and just using your situation to make themselves feel bettter. Then there's the competitively ill brigade...who no matter what u have been through have to have been worse. Then there's the folks that think they are in possession of the elixier of life and/or u just aren't trying hard enough! I could go on but am bored with myself already

[earthwitch in reply to welshnut]

Yes, I do the "social response" if I get a social kind of question. The people who know me well won't ask how I am, they will say something like "you look like you are in a lot of pain today, are you managing OK?"

[mr-flibble]

I find I just say I'm OK as most people only use it as a pleasantry you can see them glaze over if you try to elaborate how c**p things really are, it would be different if you had a physical disability but pain is invisible so most people make a judgment on how you actually look.

[Julez1961]

Same old question, but at least they are asking this question!

So many people just dissappear as they don't know what to say so they don't say anything.

I would rather people ask than ignore me. My rule is tell them as much as you feel comfortable divulging. Some people are really interested, but some don't seem to care

[Kat3]

I hate this question as it's usually asked at the very beginning of a conversation, where you know the other person (except for a very good friend) only means it as a conventional courtesy. And yes, the eyes usually glaze over, or the conversation abruptly changes if you try to expand on how you actually are.

I kind of wish people wouldn't ask it, unless they are really interested. And when people ask about the condition you have, they often just do it because they feel they have to, to be polite. But they don't really want to hear a long answer, they just want to hear a very short answer, specifically that you are doing better, as anything negative makes them feel uncomfortable.

And the worst is, when they tell you you look so well. As I get this a lot! No one can see my pain, or see inside me, for that matter. The outside looks fine, so I keep getting people telling me how I look so well, and how they can't believe I even have a problem. Does anyone else get this? It is soooooo frustrating!

I think we live in a culture where the outside is more important than the inside, therefore most people aren't really interested in the inside, and just assume if the outside is fine then everything is.

[ecnico15 in reply to Kat3]

I feel exactly the same. In fact, my mum has worked it out and now doesn't ask. Sometimes it slips out as conventional greeting, but we always just skip past it and move on.

I too find this with the whole internal/external thing. I don't like to fib and say I'm fine when I'm not. But I almost don't like to be honest because I hate the inevitable, "oh, I'm sorry to hear that", etc. I'm lucky to have an understanding family and friends. But with people who don't know me and what I'm experiencing, I feel the judgemental questioning looks that suggest (to me) that they don't believe me or that I'm attention-seeking.

I've thought about this a lot recently. Chronic illness is a very lonely business, even if you are surrounded by sympathetic people. For most of us, it is invisible, and no one can truly understand, however hard they try.

Thanks for your response, Nic

[Kat3 in reply to ecnico15]

You're right, it's a very lonely business! People don't ask the right questions, so never seem to understand. And sympathy can sometimes feel even worse than ignoring the problem. As I have 1 friend who is over-sympathetic and keeps telling me how awful my life is, which makes me feel even worse!

I also find it hard to lie and say things are ok when they're not.

Hmm, it's a difficult one....

[ecnico15 in reply to Kat3]

I've lost touch with an old friend who would not stop simpering, "I'm so sorry you're having a tough time" etc. We were practically inseparable all through senior school, then this hit me, and we now haven't spoken for three and a half years.

I feel lucky to have such a good network of support though. Friends who know when all's okay, and also when a discreet hug is all that's needed.

[pinknosedcat in reply to ecnico15]

I have had exactly the same experience. Freinds that just were unable to accept the situation and adjust to it. I think it depends on the individual, but one friend told me up front she found it really difficult to see me in so much pain and she couldn't cope with it. Which I think at least is more honest than people who just dissappear. Think of it as a true friend filtration system. The ones that stick with u through thick and thin are worth their weight in gold.

[Julez1961 in reply to Kat3]

I usually lie through my teeth and say I'm fine but some times I say I've had better days!

When they tell me I look so well and I've got color (yellow = tan?) I say yes but don't Xray me or test my blood

[Hidden in reply to Kat3]

Kat, the how are you question is just a polite way to start a conversation. Nobody actually expects a full rundown of all your ailments, they just want a fine, not so good, have had better days etc. As others say, true friends don't ask this because they know. Just play the game. I'm always 'fine' whatever aches and pains I have. Because in truth Iam. In the short term I may have set backs or worse days, but in the long term bigger picture, I am fine. I have pain. I live with it.

If people are telling you that you look well, you must be doing something right. Enjoy the compliment. Focus on the compliment. Even if it's just been said as a kind confidence booster, let it do the work. Belief in being well when you are not, goes a long way in taking control of the pain, illness or condition. It's a lovely compliment to focus on.

[superannie]

I remember years ago before I started suffering with this chronic pain. We had a certain person in our circle of friends that everyone avoided asking " How are you" because we knew we would lose at least an hour listening to every condition available to man! In fine detail, also I noticed that it was never, for example, a thyroid problem, it was always MY thyroid. As if the person and the problem were a couple. So ever since when anyone asks how I am, I reply fine, how's it going with you? Life is too short to impose our daily struggles on someone else. Everyone is struggling with something in their lives and nine times out of ten it is worse than our own. Always look on the bright side of life is my signature tune. Of course there are friends and family I can let off steam to. mostly my fantastic husband. He puts up with everything! On this note can I just say that we celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary yesterday! Stay well and always look for the silver lining, it is there, we just need to search for it now and again. Ann

[ecnico15 in reply to superannie]

Thank you, and congratulations! Nic

[sharelle]

If I get asked I reply depending on the person asking or depending on the mood I'm in. If I can't be bothered to discuss it I usually say same as usual then change the subject. If I am really down and need to talk about it I do so but only with people who understand. For example my sister has no concept so I don't discuss it. However I am a contradiction cos I had 3 close friends staying and although everyone discussed their stuff not one of them asked how I was and I was really upset. I don't see them very often and things had changed and worsened so I had a lot to say. Hey ho how strange are folk? !

[Kat3 in reply to sharelle]

I know what you mean – most of my friends just talk about their stuff and don't ask me how I'm getting on. Maybe they're scared of the answer? Or maybe they just think my life is so boring now that I can't do much, that I'd have nothing to say? But I find that most of my conversations now are about the other person. Which does upset me too, as I would like to talk about things sometimes. I am always aware of trying not to bore people, so I never go on too much about my stuff, but yes, it would be nice to be asked by someone who actually is interested!

[sharelle]

It's a horrible problem as people can't see your pain. Even in my own home and struggling my husband just ignores it so I literally go ow ow ow until he looks up and says are you ok!! It is a lonely condition and very frustrating x

[Hidden]

Believe me when you want the help of the medical profession , benefits or social services you will want to be believed and for them to be interested. Chronic Pain can be invisible, like mine, and people, including most friends, cannot understand why I am not working, why I sleep all morning, why I am emotionally labile and why I live a very slow life when I look slim and fit. I find this very painful. What's worse is they also pick up my vulnerability, unconsciously and I have become a target for bullying. I just don't fit in and have moved to the remote countryside where I feel safer. enicholson15, it is a difficult one but I would make and keep as many friends as you can: I generally say I am very well, plus /minus "I'm sorry I haven't been out lately I've not been well", so they know they haven't been rejected. With some invitations I have to say, "I'm sorry I'm not up to it just now but please do ask me next time", otherwise they won't. For these replies they must have an idea of your condition but it's not appropriate to explain it on first meeting unless they get into "what do you do?" then keep it honest but short. Some people genuinely want to help, some will acccept you as you are and want to be friends. One day you might need them. It is very hard to adjust to not being fully independent, it is a loss that has to be mourned. It takes a lot of energy to pretend to be other than one is.

[ecnico15 in reply to Hidden]

Bowbells, sounds like you've had it tough. Thank you so much for sharing, and I hope you, like me, find some comfort in this forum and in sharing experiences with people who can begin to understand. Nic

[Julez1961 in reply to ecnico15]

Yes you can feel that in your message and I'm sorry for that too! Sending you a big hug with no strings attached. In your last part I realized this is my problem my lovely but silly psychologist thinks I'm depressed I keep telling him I'm not I'm just peed off. But I'm actually mourning the loss of my busy life and independence I want it back. Thank you for making me realize this. Keep smiling.

[nanaber]

I always respond with "not too bad, how are u?" I believe no one except loved ones want to really know how u are and then even loved ones love to here you say "not to bad"

[pinknosedcat]

I decided some time ago to just take the p**s by telling people it was a problem on the tip of my elbow...point to it and say ' look... it' s just there, can u see it?!!' Then ask them about their medical history...i have done this to people it certainly gets them to shut up! the thing is it's not just sympathy you have to confront, it's peoples morbid curiosity veiled in sympathy and until I know someones motives I see no good reason to play their game. Totally agree with u, it drives me up the wall too. People can be so rude and innapropriate. Just cos I'm in a wheel chair or use a stick what rivht does that gve complete strangers to enquire in to my medical status. They are just nosey.

[Hidden]

If people were more empathetic than sympathetic then there would be no problem although I've never really understood why its so important for others to need to know how much pain you have, or how difficult it is to live your life with an illness or condition. Life is what YOU make it.

Today I saw a picture on fb of a surgeon who was paralysed from the waist down. He got a standing up motorised chair and carries on with his work. He's not worried about whether people understand his pain or not. He had a problem : I can't walk any more. He solved it by getting a specialised wheelchair. He's getting on with life. He could have sat down in a wheelchair and said my life is over, nobody understands me. I can't work anymore. But he didn't.

We are all able to make something of our lives with illness and pain as our companions. Just need to work out how to do it. If you think people don't understand your particular illness or condition, then collaborate with health professionals, charities, sufferers etc to produce a presentation to take to schools, health professionals, coffee mornings etc, start educating people. Become an ambassador for your cause.

[teadrinker]

"Not so bad, how are YOU?"

[misty1942]

I usually reply " I'm ok" even if I'm not.

[jinger]

My hubby has a habit of asking how I am as soon as I get up in the morning. I have no idea - I've just bleeding got up! He soon gets told I won't answer until I've had coffee!

I'm forever getting asked how I am at work as everyone is aware of my conditions and they know I'm in pain a lot of the time. My stock reply nowadays to colleagues is "I'm upright and breathing!"